Where is the Jokes Thread

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BLUENOWZ1878

BLUENOWZ1878

Player Valuation: £6m
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£37,000." ;
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £570,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
Anyone know who's phone this is?
 

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.



A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milk man was dead on the porch.
 
Supermarkets sell an amazing range of products. Yesterday in Waitrose they asked if I wanted to take out a mortgage.

But even then I couldn't afford the whole week's shopping.
 

There was this man wandering around a by lane aimlessly. He suddenly heard a group shouting “twenty…..twenty…..twentyâ€￾ in chorus as if in a trance. He saw a building with a tall fence from which the chant was coming.

Curious, the man went near the building, and found a small hole in the fence. He bent a little, put one eye to the hole and saw a group of men chanting the number over and over again. Before he could see further, a finger came out from the hole and poked him in the eye.

As he stumbled back, the chant changed to “twenty one….. twenty one….. twenty one.â€￾
 
What do you call a man in a bush?

Russell.



What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.



What do you call a man with ham on his head?

Hamed.



What do you call a man with a bit more ham on his head?

Mohammed.



What do you call a man with a bit more ham on his head, stood down a back street?


Mohammed Ali.
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 

15963_571148432911506_947524886_n.jpg
 
somebody robbed the joke thread?

They're having a fookin laugh aren't they?


It's ok....I've got my own coat.....
 
the Mrs was lying in bed last night, trying to be all hot and sexy sliding a lollipop in and out of her foof and licking it.
"Careful with that thing love" i said......"you've got to cross the kids over with that in the morning"
 
Brendan Rodgers was coming out of Anfield last week when he spotted an elderly lady obviously struggling up the road with 7 shopping bags and a pulling a shopping trolley behind her, he walked over to her and said " Excuse me love, can you manage ? "
she looked at him, smiled , and replied " Ha Ha, fook off, you took the fookin job "
 
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