Garrick
Awesome, lid.
*Steps up on soapbox*
*Adjusts collar*
*Clears throat*
This match is bullshit.
This match is pure, unadultered, CONCACAFatastic bullshit.
CONCACAF is already the only confederation to have two continental championships, and it’s nothing but a money grab. It’s always in the US, where there are millions of immigrants of all stripes to spin the turnstiles. Let’s face it, CONCACAF is a garbage confederation that has no real revenue streams besides Gold Cup tickets. Two, maybe three middling soccer powers, no continental club competition that anybody actually cares about, yeah this is it. And it’s not even good. The 2015 Gold Cup was the single most painful international footie competition I’ve ever witnessed. Mexico somehow managed to fluke their way to a championship on the back of three of the dodgiest penalties I’ve ever seen. And by managed to fluke I mean this is the surest I’ve ever been of referees rigging a major sporting competition. The USMNT put in their worst performance ever, and the final was, no joke, a mostly one-sided competition between the two worst teams of the 2015 Copa America.
But it’s all about the money, baby. So much about it, that let’s have another match to determine who gets to go to the Confederations Cup! Even though that’s supposed to be decided by the actually confederation tournament, we’re gonna sell out the Rose Bowl one more time because, hey, MONEY!
Screw CONCACAF. Have fun in prison Blazer and Warner, we’ll keep the lights on in the cat condo. But I guess.
You could, in some instances, argue that a spot in the Confederations Cup playoffs isn’t even a thing you really want, as the three sides that did well at the 2013 edition all had pretty subpar World Cups, let’s be honest, neither the United States or Mexico are going to win the World Cup anyway, while both sides could possibly eke out a Confederations Cup victory. So let’s go for it, shall we?
Ironically, both sides are in various states of disarray now. The USMNT, as we said earlier, are coming off their worst Gold Cup performance ever. A garbage tournament of uninspired footie with Klinsmann, as always, experimenting with reckless abandon, playing key players out of position, and not dropping players who are clearly garbage. Same [Poor language removed], different tournament I suppose.
Even though their recent record may state otherwise, Mexico haven’t been great recently either. They fired Miguel Herrera for punching a reporter. After they won the tournament. Is there even a joke to write here? Herrera punched a reporter in the airport after his side won. I think that’s all the, erm, punchline you need.
Mexico will be without a few key players, namely Giovani dos Santos and Vazquez, but they’re still a side with plenty of offensive and midfield firepower. Chicarito has escaped the pit of despair known as Manchester and is in fine form for the aspirin makers in Leverkusen. Injury questions of Marquez and Guardado are both expected to start. This is a side that has a potent attack and midfield, but a questionable defense at best. So just take it to ‘em and be done with it.
As for the USMNT, it’s a side that’ll look way more like 2014 World Cup than 2015 Gold Cup. Praise to the gods that Chandler and Brooks got dropped after their abysmal tournament, but somehow Ventura Alvarado still made it on the squad and that upsets me to no end. I don’t care if Brooks is injured, that’s still a victory. It’s veterans abound in this crucial game, with names like Jones, Beckerman, Dempsey, Wondo, Cameron, and Zusi all making the squad sheet. Most of our best young talent is off bossing Olympic qualifying, thanks. DaMarcus Beasley and Timmy Howard both make their returns to the squad after both of their retirements, although only Beasley will start as Guzan will likely be retained in the net. Johannson’s out with injury so Altidore will be up top, just to piss everybody off. Jozy, Jozy, Jozy. Slot one please.
So here we are. I’m not really sure what to make of it all. We’re crap. They’re crap. Klinsmann is undefeated all time vs Mexico. They’re neckpunchers, garbage throwers, and they’re the one country on this planet fatter than us. The entire concept of this match is crap. The Rose Bowl is crap. I don’t really know how this is going to turn out, but really, we should win. So go do that thing, please. If for no other reason than I don’t have to change the title of the USMNT thread here then.
“CONCACAF Cup”
Christ.
*Adjusts collar*
*Clears throat*
This match is bullshit.
This match is pure, unadultered, CONCACAFatastic bullshit.
CONCACAF is already the only confederation to have two continental championships, and it’s nothing but a money grab. It’s always in the US, where there are millions of immigrants of all stripes to spin the turnstiles. Let’s face it, CONCACAF is a garbage confederation that has no real revenue streams besides Gold Cup tickets. Two, maybe three middling soccer powers, no continental club competition that anybody actually cares about, yeah this is it. And it’s not even good. The 2015 Gold Cup was the single most painful international footie competition I’ve ever witnessed. Mexico somehow managed to fluke their way to a championship on the back of three of the dodgiest penalties I’ve ever seen. And by managed to fluke I mean this is the surest I’ve ever been of referees rigging a major sporting competition. The USMNT put in their worst performance ever, and the final was, no joke, a mostly one-sided competition between the two worst teams of the 2015 Copa America.
But it’s all about the money, baby. So much about it, that let’s have another match to determine who gets to go to the Confederations Cup! Even though that’s supposed to be decided by the actually confederation tournament, we’re gonna sell out the Rose Bowl one more time because, hey, MONEY!
Screw CONCACAF. Have fun in prison Blazer and Warner, we’ll keep the lights on in the cat condo. But I guess.
You could, in some instances, argue that a spot in the Confederations Cup playoffs isn’t even a thing you really want, as the three sides that did well at the 2013 edition all had pretty subpar World Cups, let’s be honest, neither the United States or Mexico are going to win the World Cup anyway, while both sides could possibly eke out a Confederations Cup victory. So let’s go for it, shall we?
Ironically, both sides are in various states of disarray now. The USMNT, as we said earlier, are coming off their worst Gold Cup performance ever. A garbage tournament of uninspired footie with Klinsmann, as always, experimenting with reckless abandon, playing key players out of position, and not dropping players who are clearly garbage. Same [Poor language removed], different tournament I suppose.
Even though their recent record may state otherwise, Mexico haven’t been great recently either. They fired Miguel Herrera for punching a reporter. After they won the tournament. Is there even a joke to write here? Herrera punched a reporter in the airport after his side won. I think that’s all the, erm, punchline you need.
Mexico will be without a few key players, namely Giovani dos Santos and Vazquez, but they’re still a side with plenty of offensive and midfield firepower. Chicarito has escaped the pit of despair known as Manchester and is in fine form for the aspirin makers in Leverkusen. Injury questions of Marquez and Guardado are both expected to start. This is a side that has a potent attack and midfield, but a questionable defense at best. So just take it to ‘em and be done with it.
As for the USMNT, it’s a side that’ll look way more like 2014 World Cup than 2015 Gold Cup. Praise to the gods that Chandler and Brooks got dropped after their abysmal tournament, but somehow Ventura Alvarado still made it on the squad and that upsets me to no end. I don’t care if Brooks is injured, that’s still a victory. It’s veterans abound in this crucial game, with names like Jones, Beckerman, Dempsey, Wondo, Cameron, and Zusi all making the squad sheet. Most of our best young talent is off bossing Olympic qualifying, thanks. DaMarcus Beasley and Timmy Howard both make their returns to the squad after both of their retirements, although only Beasley will start as Guzan will likely be retained in the net. Johannson’s out with injury so Altidore will be up top, just to piss everybody off. Jozy, Jozy, Jozy. Slot one please.
So here we are. I’m not really sure what to make of it all. We’re crap. They’re crap. Klinsmann is undefeated all time vs Mexico. They’re neckpunchers, garbage throwers, and they’re the one country on this planet fatter than us. The entire concept of this match is crap. The Rose Bowl is crap. I don’t really know how this is going to turn out, but really, we should win. So go do that thing, please. If for no other reason than I don’t have to change the title of the USMNT thread here then.
“CONCACAF Cup”
Christ.
