MapleLeafEvertonian
Player Valuation: £10m
Alright the season has already started....if you want to be technical but Everton has not played yet so in my blue mind its still not on yet. So heres my god awful rundown of all these teams that have more money than us.
Arsenal
Arsenal are alot like us, if you know, we had a modern 60,000 stadium right in one the most expensive parts of London with season tickets in the thousand and players with a crazy amount of flair and skill. Okay they aren't really like us and Moyes will never be accused of being a professor anytime soon. However it seems every summer a top player of theres decides he wants to go away and cue the Arsenal faithful being butthurt about the whole experience.
Step up RVP, who at 29 years old decided he gave it his best and wanted to head to Manchester, and did so for a cool 24 million, and with Song ready to go and murmurs that Theo just can't stand all the overachieving hes doing over there and wants to leave to, you could understand the rise in bleach sales in Islington. Not all doom and gloom, with Podoloski and Park Chu Young added to their world class striking talent of Chamakh and Gervinho....... okay so it is all doom and gloom for Arsenal fans. But they shouldn't worry, Wenger will probably, right before the window shuts, panic buy Arteta for some stupid cheap price like 10 million or something.
Finishing place: 4th. Don't ask me how, they just will.
Player to watch: Well I would have said the ox but my arsenal supporting friend can't stop touching himself about Cazorla so **** I guess it will have to be him then.
Aston Villa
Once you get over how awesome it is being owned by a guy called randy, things at Villa aren't looking too bright. In fact one might say, what the **** happened to them? They were our rivals, our fellow chasers of the top four, we were like King Robb Stark and they were like King Renly Baratheon both going to march on kings landing. Enjoy that Games of thrones reference out there you big nerds. Now, last season was disaster for them so they got rid of Agent Mcliesh and brought in Lambert from Norwich to put the pieces back together.
So they saw how much of a ****ing man Hetinga is and so got their own Deutch CB in Ron Vlaar from Feynoord, who also is a spaceman. Started in a youth team called Apollo 68, how ****ing badass is that. Almost there with a hockey team that were once called the wheeling nailers. Anyways its hard to see what Villa can do this year, they have nothing of real quality upfront bar Bent, so his fitness is key, all the sudden Warnock is not the best (remember when he was fighting with baines to be 2nd choice england left back) and some players are getting on, like Dunne, bless him. But all talks of relegation should be laughed at like someone trying to buy everton from Bill, they got the players and unless Lambert is a ****ing disaster they should be fine.
Finishing place: **** who cares, mid-table gorgeousness..well okay 13th
Player to watch: Stephen Ireland, how can you not with the car he drives? Also I have him in my fantasy team.....don't look at me like that....he had a really good pre-season I swear.
Chelsea
Chelsea, always liked them, I admired how ****ing man enough they are that they can have a strippers name. Truly, there is a certain strip joint in toronto that has a stripper called chelsea, play your cards right and you could slot them for 250 a pop, and rumour has it they don't mind where you slot it either. Buddy of mine ended blowing 2 grand in that place, 750 for slotting strippers. Filthy stuff man, sheeeeeiiiiit.
Oh, the football club, well they did really well in lucking out against Bayern Munich on penalties to be kings of Europe, so bravo them! However they finished 6th in the league behind Spurs and Newcastle. So King Roman spunked **** tons of money of Brazilians and Hazard, the latter looked really good against Wigan before Wigan decided to dominate and not score at all. Di potatoe did really well in changing the direction of Chelsea last year after AVB's reign of ****eness, so he might do really well, but no Drogba this time round so their chances of winning the FA cup have dropped by 90%, unlucky. He's living the dream in China. A sentence not said about many in China.
Finishing place: God I miss the brass rail, oh and I guess 3rd, I mean Torres will come good right?
Player to watch: Hazard, that and watch how every headline maker puns out of that name.
Everton
**** who cares we all know about Everton. I guess we can say that it might be optimistic look to start the season. I mean Pienaar....Naismith.... Miraculous Mirillas (I swear if he comes good some punkass journo wil use that)...and maybe some more, we come into this season looking better than last. Tonight will no doubt put an end to all of this optimism once we square up to Utd. But hey for now why not be excited.
Sure we let Rodwell go, but up against Gibson and Felliani....and Neville...and that Junior lad...and Neville...and maybe Osman if Moyes would ever put him in the middle. Rodwell wasn't getting the consistent starting 11 football he needed to progress, so it made sense for all 3 parties for him to go to Man City, good luck to him. As for us, we're too ****ing man enough for anyone else to handle so have at am boy!
Finishing place: 6th, why the hell not, thats realistic right? Go banana.
Player to watch: Mirillas...too much hype around this guy not to choose him. Tough choice between him and Hibbert though
Fulham
Fulham. The nice guy club. No one hates Fulham apart from Chelsea and everyone hates those bastards. They have Hugh Grant as a fan, hes gorgeous and that Michael Jackson statue, thats gorgeous too. I guess thats why the are happy with acheiving the square root of **** all.
Dempsey has decided to act like a little bitch and not play for them anymore until he gets sold to Liverpool to join his equals of Henderson,Adam and Lucas. I guess thats ruined everyones cheery spirits over there. Which is a shame, Fulham is so nice, they should be baking cupcakes rather than dealing with Dempsey. I mean c'mon they play in a cottage, someone please pass the pitta bread and humous please. Oh theres a game on? sorry I was distracted by Hugh Grant's face, god he was great in that movie where he played a mumbling insecure brit with romantic interests.
Finishing place: 14th, they won't get relegated, they are too nice for that nasty business. Oh look fairy cakes! My favourite!
Player to watch: Schawzer, pulling off some amazing saves will be a nice watch on MOTD
Liverpool
I put an image on Ina Garten as she is alot more lovely and pleasant than any liverpool related image. Great cook too, give her a pound of butter and some flour and she can do miracles. Anyways might aswell get this done with. It is a new era at Anfield, no not the Hodgson era, that already went, no not the Dalgish era that happened too, yes now we are in the Rodgers era, of lovely passing football. It is just a shame none of their back four are too sure how to do that.
But fear not! Brenny has got it all covered, his genius football mind has come up with such a brilliant plan. Making sure that Carroll and Adam know that they have no future here, but keep them around anyways. Buy the player he really liked from his last club for a inflated fee, a guy that never made it at Chelsea and a player that looked quite handy on youtube. No doubt West Brom was just first game jitters.
Finishing place: 8th, Rodgers style of football is going to take along time to work and thats assuming he has the right players for that. This will reflect in performances and results so I believe we will finish above them again.
Player to watch: Gerrard, the one guy at Liverpool that instead of talking out of his arse often pulls something out of it instead. No matter how **** everyone around him is.
Manchester City
We all know that guy. The one who isn't the best looking, going no where in life and is just a bad egg. Yet just has that angel of a girl who is always good to him, got it all. Thats Man City after some people who exploited the earth's resources took them over and spunk whatever it took to beat Man Utd and win the league..by goal difference. I wouldn't mind the money part honestly, but when they butchered that Frank Sinatara classic by having Liam Gallagher singing blue moon, man that kills the class that ole blue eyes brought to this world.Bastards.
Tevez has decided he does want to play now, along with Nasri,Dzeko,Ballottelli,Aguero its one hell of a forward attack to be raped by. They are now arguably the most ****ing stacked team in the league so it makes sense that their only purchase of note was our very own Jack Rodwell, who did very well in giving away the ball that lead to a southampton goal on the weekend. Lets just face guys we might do something against them but they will dick every again and do really well. But hey, their fans really deserve after sticking with through all these years. Tell that to other 91 clubs, hope that black eye doesn't hurt to much for you buddy:
Finishing place: 1st. ****.
Player to watch: Everyone single one, ****ing assholes. I guess Ballotelli as he is hilarious whenever.
Man Utd
After losing out to their noisy neighbours on goal difference for the league, it seemed that Fergie could only do one thing. That was buying the leagues top goal scorer in the biggest summer transfer saga, RVP along with Rooney could be the key to getting that 20th title, keeping those neighbours in their place whilst giving a cheeky wink to the Liverpool. Only if that works, and thats a big if, they could do it. But lets not forget their other players, Young who had a horrible time with England, will be a big player for Utd. The back with Rio and Vidic is crucial to any chance of winning the league.
They are the first team we play, so fingers crossed that the rooney-rvp still needs a little bit of work. After tonight I'll be hoping they pip City to the championship, though I'd prefer if none of the manchester teams won it. but thats but a dream. After hearing it from my die hard man utd fan friend ( hes been to O.T bro, like die hard.) telling me how better Evra is than Baines I hope we thrash them tonight. Whip them like soft Ice cream boy!
Finishing place: 2nd. Tough one to swallow, but they're good at that kind of thing
Player to watch: Robin-burgervan-Persie Who else.
Newcastle Utd
After watching Geordie shore this summer, its safe to say that your average geordie is quite happy to have the other known thing about their town return. Football and their club. They did very well last year, who knew Pardew could pull that off, and doesn't fat boy Ashley look good now? Mind you I guess the whole sports direct name kind of condem him. But the big question is can they do it again?
Some key players who were meant to go but may now decide to stay it is looking rather rosey up there, but I would still be surprised if they could do it again. Not saying they won't be around us, but I wouldn't be chuffed if they finished ahead of us. I just sure hope that Ben Arfa doesn't score another worldie against us. Anyways Newcastle need a season just to cool down after last years success, keep their fans expectations reasonable and their manner too. As you can tell I don't have much to say about newcastle. Apart from that movie they were in about that latin-american footballer was dead****e.
Finishing place: 7th
Player to watch: Tim Krul, wanna see if he can have another blinder of a season.
Norwich
Norwich the badasses of the league, Deliah Smith, Stephen Fry, complete badasses. Those Waitrose ads were the **** Delia and you know how to cheat when it comes to cooking. Thats a man thing Deliah. Spehen Fry man, you can tell by how he sounds he knows everything, he runs that Q.I show like no other and he has one hell of a followed twitter account. If he tweeted that Owen was signing for us, it would be ****ing right and everyone would know in seconds. Jeeves and wooster was hilarious too man, kicking it old school dawwwg.
As for the football, **** who cares, they got Chris Houghton to replace Lambert, kept hold of that really decent striker they have,Grant Holt, former toffee John Ruddy has been a success if goal, so we know who to steal when Howard has decided enough is enough. And they have good ole canadian boy Simoen Jackson. Thumbs Up. Lets go!
Finishing place: Gonna be a ****fest down there. first of the relegation fodder 18th. They are keeping it real though son!
Player to watch: Grant Holt...I guess
Queens Park Rangers
QPR, big money on average players. Thats the way to keep up in the Prem. Sincerely though, who cares about QPR, yeah they got some money and Mark Hughes( anyone remember the last time he had a club with money again??). But you're not going to be looking out for them are you? Mind you them ****ing around Joey Barton was hilarious, Fleetwood town then Marseilles, can't script that.
Anyways they have a first team that is the whos who are the nearly but not quite guys. Robert Green, Anton Ferdinand, Shaun-Wright Phillips, Kieron Dyer and a solid performer for us back in the day Andrew Johnson. Ji-Sung Park has now joined them and is captain. Good for him. But who cares about any of that.
Finishing place: Will be smoother than last time, I'll say 16th
Player to watch: I don't care.
Reading
Ah reading, like the boy who had one try out with the A-team got shunted back down to the B-team and now a few months later he is back trying his best again and people are fearing the worse. But with heston blumnethal manging the club how can anything go wrong. An exciting attacking line of Church, Pogrebnyak and Kanu could be the key to staying up.(Ohhhh not THAT Kanu...nevermind then)
The pride and glory of Berkshire are slap bang in Home counties country, a different world to Merseyside, full of the...middle class. Now theres nothing wrong with them...apart from alot of tory voting tendencies, but the work like the rest of us, just because they can afford that iddilic cottage and a gas guzzling 4x4 and you can't don't hating....player hater. I can't see Reading tearing about the league, its nice that they have come back for a visit, means we have a reason to clean the house and everything but I don't expect them to be around too long.
Finishing place:20th. Sorry Heston, cool food though
Player to watch: Pogrebnyak, apparently
Southampton
Southampton. Went there recently for a "lads weekend" with some dear chums of mine, its ****. Some asshole whilst squaring up to a friend, spills my drink on the floorand asks me if I have a problem. What do you think **** for brains. He was a student aswell, the future, I love students, I'm one of them. But this guy man was an asshole. Nothing remarkable about Southampton, its Watford but it just happens to be next to the see.
As for the football. Well they had a rough few years and now they are back at the top, good for them, don't think they will cut the musturd. But they deserve this shot. Think about it, if there were no such things as transfers they'd still have Gareth Bale,Theo Walcott and the ox. If they still had those three, might be a different proposition. But instead they have Jay Rodriguez, Billy Sharp and De Ridder. Football's dead **** eh southampton?
Finishing place: 19th Just what that ****hole deserves.
Player towatch: Nathaniel Clyne, meant to be decent, so why not.
Stoke City
You see that picture, thats why Santa doesn't shave for christmas kids. Anyway Stoke, Wengers wet nightmare. I like them, you see Stoke are how I like my women, rough and ready and can put me in a choke hold. They are hardly a inspiring side granted but when I hear frustrated teams cry over their style of play, it doesn't wash for me. Thats loser talk if you criticise another teams style,man the **** up and find a way to beat them.
Might be Stoke's hardest year in the premiership,no real big signings, those that supposedly know more(pundits like) worry about their attacking options. But with Jones and Crouch it is an unbeatable combination right? Right. Best of luck to them for staying up, but after five year shouldn't they been moving on from that stage? Regardless, I hope to see Stoke at their best, if not winning, then atleast bruising the other team, especially against liverpool. Shawcross on Suarez, beautiful
Finishing place:12th. Somewhere around there...
Player to watch: Palacios of Wilson
Sunderland
Sunderland, a team I hope will forever be in the premiership. We seem to have them licked, that 7 heaven victory a few years back is the cherry on top of slapping them around for the few previous seasons. Long may it continue! The Mackems might be a little worried upfront, lack of options even with the scorer of the fastest ever F.A cup final goal in Louis Saha signed up for the year.
But any thoughts of Sunderland being in trouble this year should be cast aside into the fire like Dan Gosling's proposed everton contract. They have the experience players to make sure they will merge into the mid table slaughter. If I was a sunderland fan, with their pretty 49,000 staduim...I'd wonder where the club is heading. Mind you, I say the same about everton, and I get the same anwser every time. Straight off a cliff.
Finish: 11th.
Player to watch: John O'Shea. Ah I'm only kidding, I have no idea who to watch there.
Swansea
New owners and a new logo change, it is all very exciting times in Wales at the moment. If I was a swan...for which I am not, I'd be very excited about this up coming season too. Michael Vorm in goal proved a success last season, and their style of football got Barcalona loving beauts all excited about Swansea.
Yes Brenny left to pursue mid-table glory with Liverpool so they brought in Laudrup, and after one game of thrashing QPR 4-0 it seems it is all going very well so far for him. With exciting players such as Michu,Scott Sinclair(c'mon guys....hes not really going to city right?) and Danny Graham(Yeah exciting...he did really well...at Watford) they could swerve the relegation battle all together quite easily. Also if you were looking for a second team in this league, they have a spainish CB by the name of Chico. That is all
Finish: 16th
Player to watch: After this weekends action...Michu of course.
Tottenham Hotspur
Another 4th place finished last year for spurs,which can be seem as a success, so they promptly fired 'Arry and put the man who had a horrible year with Chelsea in. Daniel Levy is the greatest club chairman in the game obviously. When they are not ripping off clubs left right and centre for players(You want how much for Pienaar? He was ****ings ours anyways! ....Fine whatever ****) they play some nice football.
But their ace Modric, who lets face wanted out a while ago, looks like he really will leave this time, but its been dragged on so much the transfer saga is as boring as hell, at least their rivals arsenal know how to have a good transfer saga. They stiill have the quality to battle for 4th, with Bale and VDV still kicking about, tad worrying about who is going to score the goals, but hey........you see Defoe's goal for England? They should be fine right?
Finishing: 5th Give us back the Pienaar money you cowboy gits
Player to watch: Sandros
West Brom
Hey aren't they ace, started last weekend by giving the R/S a nice 3-0 kicking, they are like the smell of coffee in the morning. Sniff sniff, let it all in guys, West Brom is brewing some caffeine filled beauty. Get me a large double double boys.
No longer relegation fodder with Ben Foster in goal, a half decent defence with a half decent midfield and shane long chasing anything and everything.They also have Lukaku on loan from Chelsea, who dicked all over Carra and looks like the proper stuff, supposed to be the next Drogba, and hes not far from it, not the whole deal yet though. West Brom should have a nice season and maybe that miserable git that smashed the fit bird from the one show will give us a smile. Boing Boing mother****ers.
Finish:9th
Player to watch: Lukaku
West Ham
Big Sam, that badass is back with a vengence and his not so real twitter account is ****ing hilarious.So instead of writing anything else, its just going to be some of his tweets. You'll understand.
notBigSam â€@TheBig_Sam
Singing 'Pump Up The Jam' at the lads in the dressing room, whilst firing scalding gravel into their faces. **** me, we're ready.
notBigSam â€@TheBig_Sam
If you put a whore in a Villa shirt in front of me right now, I'd tear her apart like cheap fudge.
notBigSam â€@TheBig_Sam
Feeling blue over my failure to lure big Andy Carroll to West Ham, so watched the last ever episode of 'Dawson's Creek' again. Big Mistake.
Amen
Finishing place- 15th
Player to watch: notBigsam's twitter account
Wigan Atheletic
Finally, last and the least. Wigan. Don't underestimate them, a club doesn't get called the pieeaters without doing some serious man****. Each year them and their millions of fans tinter on the brink of relegation, only to be saved on the last days and thus cue the throwing in the air of Martinez.
They get a look of stick about support and rightly so in certain cases but they have a good thing going, good scouting to buy players and sell them on for a lot of money and it may look like Victor Moses will be the latest in that. They are like that unpopular kid at the party, hes not looking to get on any girls, hes just delighted hes been invited. Except its like the 7th party hes been to and he hasn't even got near them, just gets quietly ****faced in the corner then walks home by himself. Good guy really. Nothing special all the girls think hes a bit creepy, I bet you he has a massive wang though.
Finishing place: 17th
Player to watch: Franco Di Santo.Why? Seriously its the end of this long ass post I really don't need to explain on this one.
Arsenal
Arsenal are alot like us, if you know, we had a modern 60,000 stadium right in one the most expensive parts of London with season tickets in the thousand and players with a crazy amount of flair and skill. Okay they aren't really like us and Moyes will never be accused of being a professor anytime soon. However it seems every summer a top player of theres decides he wants to go away and cue the Arsenal faithful being butthurt about the whole experience.
Step up RVP, who at 29 years old decided he gave it his best and wanted to head to Manchester, and did so for a cool 24 million, and with Song ready to go and murmurs that Theo just can't stand all the overachieving hes doing over there and wants to leave to, you could understand the rise in bleach sales in Islington. Not all doom and gloom, with Podoloski and Park Chu Young added to their world class striking talent of Chamakh and Gervinho....... okay so it is all doom and gloom for Arsenal fans. But they shouldn't worry, Wenger will probably, right before the window shuts, panic buy Arteta for some stupid cheap price like 10 million or something.
Finishing place: 4th. Don't ask me how, they just will.
Player to watch: Well I would have said the ox but my arsenal supporting friend can't stop touching himself about Cazorla so **** I guess it will have to be him then.
Aston Villa
Once you get over how awesome it is being owned by a guy called randy, things at Villa aren't looking too bright. In fact one might say, what the **** happened to them? They were our rivals, our fellow chasers of the top four, we were like King Robb Stark and they were like King Renly Baratheon both going to march on kings landing. Enjoy that Games of thrones reference out there you big nerds. Now, last season was disaster for them so they got rid of Agent Mcliesh and brought in Lambert from Norwich to put the pieces back together.
So they saw how much of a ****ing man Hetinga is and so got their own Deutch CB in Ron Vlaar from Feynoord, who also is a spaceman. Started in a youth team called Apollo 68, how ****ing badass is that. Almost there with a hockey team that were once called the wheeling nailers. Anyways its hard to see what Villa can do this year, they have nothing of real quality upfront bar Bent, so his fitness is key, all the sudden Warnock is not the best (remember when he was fighting with baines to be 2nd choice england left back) and some players are getting on, like Dunne, bless him. But all talks of relegation should be laughed at like someone trying to buy everton from Bill, they got the players and unless Lambert is a ****ing disaster they should be fine.
Finishing place: **** who cares, mid-table gorgeousness..well okay 13th
Player to watch: Stephen Ireland, how can you not with the car he drives? Also I have him in my fantasy team.....don't look at me like that....he had a really good pre-season I swear.
Chelsea
Chelsea, always liked them, I admired how ****ing man enough they are that they can have a strippers name. Truly, there is a certain strip joint in toronto that has a stripper called chelsea, play your cards right and you could slot them for 250 a pop, and rumour has it they don't mind where you slot it either. Buddy of mine ended blowing 2 grand in that place, 750 for slotting strippers. Filthy stuff man, sheeeeeiiiiit.
Oh, the football club, well they did really well in lucking out against Bayern Munich on penalties to be kings of Europe, so bravo them! However they finished 6th in the league behind Spurs and Newcastle. So King Roman spunked **** tons of money of Brazilians and Hazard, the latter looked really good against Wigan before Wigan decided to dominate and not score at all. Di potatoe did really well in changing the direction of Chelsea last year after AVB's reign of ****eness, so he might do really well, but no Drogba this time round so their chances of winning the FA cup have dropped by 90%, unlucky. He's living the dream in China. A sentence not said about many in China.
Finishing place: God I miss the brass rail, oh and I guess 3rd, I mean Torres will come good right?
Player to watch: Hazard, that and watch how every headline maker puns out of that name.
Everton
**** who cares we all know about Everton. I guess we can say that it might be optimistic look to start the season. I mean Pienaar....Naismith.... Miraculous Mirillas (I swear if he comes good some punkass journo wil use that)...and maybe some more, we come into this season looking better than last. Tonight will no doubt put an end to all of this optimism once we square up to Utd. But hey for now why not be excited.
Sure we let Rodwell go, but up against Gibson and Felliani....and Neville...and that Junior lad...and Neville...and maybe Osman if Moyes would ever put him in the middle. Rodwell wasn't getting the consistent starting 11 football he needed to progress, so it made sense for all 3 parties for him to go to Man City, good luck to him. As for us, we're too ****ing man enough for anyone else to handle so have at am boy!
Finishing place: 6th, why the hell not, thats realistic right? Go banana.
Player to watch: Mirillas...too much hype around this guy not to choose him. Tough choice between him and Hibbert though
Fulham
Fulham. The nice guy club. No one hates Fulham apart from Chelsea and everyone hates those bastards. They have Hugh Grant as a fan, hes gorgeous and that Michael Jackson statue, thats gorgeous too. I guess thats why the are happy with acheiving the square root of **** all.
Dempsey has decided to act like a little bitch and not play for them anymore until he gets sold to Liverpool to join his equals of Henderson,Adam and Lucas. I guess thats ruined everyones cheery spirits over there. Which is a shame, Fulham is so nice, they should be baking cupcakes rather than dealing with Dempsey. I mean c'mon they play in a cottage, someone please pass the pitta bread and humous please. Oh theres a game on? sorry I was distracted by Hugh Grant's face, god he was great in that movie where he played a mumbling insecure brit with romantic interests.
Finishing place: 14th, they won't get relegated, they are too nice for that nasty business. Oh look fairy cakes! My favourite!
Player to watch: Schawzer, pulling off some amazing saves will be a nice watch on MOTD
Liverpool
I put an image on Ina Garten as she is alot more lovely and pleasant than any liverpool related image. Great cook too, give her a pound of butter and some flour and she can do miracles. Anyways might aswell get this done with. It is a new era at Anfield, no not the Hodgson era, that already went, no not the Dalgish era that happened too, yes now we are in the Rodgers era, of lovely passing football. It is just a shame none of their back four are too sure how to do that.
But fear not! Brenny has got it all covered, his genius football mind has come up with such a brilliant plan. Making sure that Carroll and Adam know that they have no future here, but keep them around anyways. Buy the player he really liked from his last club for a inflated fee, a guy that never made it at Chelsea and a player that looked quite handy on youtube. No doubt West Brom was just first game jitters.
Finishing place: 8th, Rodgers style of football is going to take along time to work and thats assuming he has the right players for that. This will reflect in performances and results so I believe we will finish above them again.
Player to watch: Gerrard, the one guy at Liverpool that instead of talking out of his arse often pulls something out of it instead. No matter how **** everyone around him is.
Manchester City
We all know that guy. The one who isn't the best looking, going no where in life and is just a bad egg. Yet just has that angel of a girl who is always good to him, got it all. Thats Man City after some people who exploited the earth's resources took them over and spunk whatever it took to beat Man Utd and win the league..by goal difference. I wouldn't mind the money part honestly, but when they butchered that Frank Sinatara classic by having Liam Gallagher singing blue moon, man that kills the class that ole blue eyes brought to this world.Bastards.
Tevez has decided he does want to play now, along with Nasri,Dzeko,Ballottelli,Aguero its one hell of a forward attack to be raped by. They are now arguably the most ****ing stacked team in the league so it makes sense that their only purchase of note was our very own Jack Rodwell, who did very well in giving away the ball that lead to a southampton goal on the weekend. Lets just face guys we might do something against them but they will dick every again and do really well. But hey, their fans really deserve after sticking with through all these years. Tell that to other 91 clubs, hope that black eye doesn't hurt to much for you buddy:
Finishing place: 1st. ****.
Player to watch: Everyone single one, ****ing assholes. I guess Ballotelli as he is hilarious whenever.
Man Utd
After losing out to their noisy neighbours on goal difference for the league, it seemed that Fergie could only do one thing. That was buying the leagues top goal scorer in the biggest summer transfer saga, RVP along with Rooney could be the key to getting that 20th title, keeping those neighbours in their place whilst giving a cheeky wink to the Liverpool. Only if that works, and thats a big if, they could do it. But lets not forget their other players, Young who had a horrible time with England, will be a big player for Utd. The back with Rio and Vidic is crucial to any chance of winning the league.
They are the first team we play, so fingers crossed that the rooney-rvp still needs a little bit of work. After tonight I'll be hoping they pip City to the championship, though I'd prefer if none of the manchester teams won it. but thats but a dream. After hearing it from my die hard man utd fan friend ( hes been to O.T bro, like die hard.) telling me how better Evra is than Baines I hope we thrash them tonight. Whip them like soft Ice cream boy!
Finishing place: 2nd. Tough one to swallow, but they're good at that kind of thing
Player to watch: Robin-burgervan-Persie Who else.
Newcastle Utd
After watching Geordie shore this summer, its safe to say that your average geordie is quite happy to have the other known thing about their town return. Football and their club. They did very well last year, who knew Pardew could pull that off, and doesn't fat boy Ashley look good now? Mind you I guess the whole sports direct name kind of condem him. But the big question is can they do it again?
Some key players who were meant to go but may now decide to stay it is looking rather rosey up there, but I would still be surprised if they could do it again. Not saying they won't be around us, but I wouldn't be chuffed if they finished ahead of us. I just sure hope that Ben Arfa doesn't score another worldie against us. Anyways Newcastle need a season just to cool down after last years success, keep their fans expectations reasonable and their manner too. As you can tell I don't have much to say about newcastle. Apart from that movie they were in about that latin-american footballer was dead****e.
Finishing place: 7th
Player to watch: Tim Krul, wanna see if he can have another blinder of a season.
Norwich
Norwich the badasses of the league, Deliah Smith, Stephen Fry, complete badasses. Those Waitrose ads were the **** Delia and you know how to cheat when it comes to cooking. Thats a man thing Deliah. Spehen Fry man, you can tell by how he sounds he knows everything, he runs that Q.I show like no other and he has one hell of a followed twitter account. If he tweeted that Owen was signing for us, it would be ****ing right and everyone would know in seconds. Jeeves and wooster was hilarious too man, kicking it old school dawwwg.
As for the football, **** who cares, they got Chris Houghton to replace Lambert, kept hold of that really decent striker they have,Grant Holt, former toffee John Ruddy has been a success if goal, so we know who to steal when Howard has decided enough is enough. And they have good ole canadian boy Simoen Jackson. Thumbs Up. Lets go!
Finishing place: Gonna be a ****fest down there. first of the relegation fodder 18th. They are keeping it real though son!
Player to watch: Grant Holt...I guess
Queens Park Rangers
QPR, big money on average players. Thats the way to keep up in the Prem. Sincerely though, who cares about QPR, yeah they got some money and Mark Hughes( anyone remember the last time he had a club with money again??). But you're not going to be looking out for them are you? Mind you them ****ing around Joey Barton was hilarious, Fleetwood town then Marseilles, can't script that.
Anyways they have a first team that is the whos who are the nearly but not quite guys. Robert Green, Anton Ferdinand, Shaun-Wright Phillips, Kieron Dyer and a solid performer for us back in the day Andrew Johnson. Ji-Sung Park has now joined them and is captain. Good for him. But who cares about any of that.
Finishing place: Will be smoother than last time, I'll say 16th
Player to watch: I don't care.
Reading
Ah reading, like the boy who had one try out with the A-team got shunted back down to the B-team and now a few months later he is back trying his best again and people are fearing the worse. But with heston blumnethal manging the club how can anything go wrong. An exciting attacking line of Church, Pogrebnyak and Kanu could be the key to staying up.(Ohhhh not THAT Kanu...nevermind then)
The pride and glory of Berkshire are slap bang in Home counties country, a different world to Merseyside, full of the...middle class. Now theres nothing wrong with them...apart from alot of tory voting tendencies, but the work like the rest of us, just because they can afford that iddilic cottage and a gas guzzling 4x4 and you can't don't hating....player hater. I can't see Reading tearing about the league, its nice that they have come back for a visit, means we have a reason to clean the house and everything but I don't expect them to be around too long.
Finishing place:20th. Sorry Heston, cool food though
Player to watch: Pogrebnyak, apparently
Southampton
Southampton. Went there recently for a "lads weekend" with some dear chums of mine, its ****. Some asshole whilst squaring up to a friend, spills my drink on the floorand asks me if I have a problem. What do you think **** for brains. He was a student aswell, the future, I love students, I'm one of them. But this guy man was an asshole. Nothing remarkable about Southampton, its Watford but it just happens to be next to the see.
As for the football. Well they had a rough few years and now they are back at the top, good for them, don't think they will cut the musturd. But they deserve this shot. Think about it, if there were no such things as transfers they'd still have Gareth Bale,Theo Walcott and the ox. If they still had those three, might be a different proposition. But instead they have Jay Rodriguez, Billy Sharp and De Ridder. Football's dead **** eh southampton?
Finishing place: 19th Just what that ****hole deserves.
Player towatch: Nathaniel Clyne, meant to be decent, so why not.
Stoke City
You see that picture, thats why Santa doesn't shave for christmas kids. Anyway Stoke, Wengers wet nightmare. I like them, you see Stoke are how I like my women, rough and ready and can put me in a choke hold. They are hardly a inspiring side granted but when I hear frustrated teams cry over their style of play, it doesn't wash for me. Thats loser talk if you criticise another teams style,man the **** up and find a way to beat them.
Might be Stoke's hardest year in the premiership,no real big signings, those that supposedly know more(pundits like) worry about their attacking options. But with Jones and Crouch it is an unbeatable combination right? Right. Best of luck to them for staying up, but after five year shouldn't they been moving on from that stage? Regardless, I hope to see Stoke at their best, if not winning, then atleast bruising the other team, especially against liverpool. Shawcross on Suarez, beautiful
Finishing place:12th. Somewhere around there...
Player to watch: Palacios of Wilson
Sunderland
Sunderland, a team I hope will forever be in the premiership. We seem to have them licked, that 7 heaven victory a few years back is the cherry on top of slapping them around for the few previous seasons. Long may it continue! The Mackems might be a little worried upfront, lack of options even with the scorer of the fastest ever F.A cup final goal in Louis Saha signed up for the year.
But any thoughts of Sunderland being in trouble this year should be cast aside into the fire like Dan Gosling's proposed everton contract. They have the experience players to make sure they will merge into the mid table slaughter. If I was a sunderland fan, with their pretty 49,000 staduim...I'd wonder where the club is heading. Mind you, I say the same about everton, and I get the same anwser every time. Straight off a cliff.
Finish: 11th.
Player to watch: John O'Shea. Ah I'm only kidding, I have no idea who to watch there.
Swansea
New owners and a new logo change, it is all very exciting times in Wales at the moment. If I was a swan...for which I am not, I'd be very excited about this up coming season too. Michael Vorm in goal proved a success last season, and their style of football got Barcalona loving beauts all excited about Swansea.
Yes Brenny left to pursue mid-table glory with Liverpool so they brought in Laudrup, and after one game of thrashing QPR 4-0 it seems it is all going very well so far for him. With exciting players such as Michu,Scott Sinclair(c'mon guys....hes not really going to city right?) and Danny Graham(Yeah exciting...he did really well...at Watford) they could swerve the relegation battle all together quite easily. Also if you were looking for a second team in this league, they have a spainish CB by the name of Chico. That is all
Finish: 16th
Player to watch: After this weekends action...Michu of course.
Tottenham Hotspur
Another 4th place finished last year for spurs,which can be seem as a success, so they promptly fired 'Arry and put the man who had a horrible year with Chelsea in. Daniel Levy is the greatest club chairman in the game obviously. When they are not ripping off clubs left right and centre for players(You want how much for Pienaar? He was ****ings ours anyways! ....Fine whatever ****) they play some nice football.
But their ace Modric, who lets face wanted out a while ago, looks like he really will leave this time, but its been dragged on so much the transfer saga is as boring as hell, at least their rivals arsenal know how to have a good transfer saga. They stiill have the quality to battle for 4th, with Bale and VDV still kicking about, tad worrying about who is going to score the goals, but hey........you see Defoe's goal for England? They should be fine right?
Finishing: 5th Give us back the Pienaar money you cowboy gits
Player to watch: Sandros
West Brom
Hey aren't they ace, started last weekend by giving the R/S a nice 3-0 kicking, they are like the smell of coffee in the morning. Sniff sniff, let it all in guys, West Brom is brewing some caffeine filled beauty. Get me a large double double boys.
No longer relegation fodder with Ben Foster in goal, a half decent defence with a half decent midfield and shane long chasing anything and everything.They also have Lukaku on loan from Chelsea, who dicked all over Carra and looks like the proper stuff, supposed to be the next Drogba, and hes not far from it, not the whole deal yet though. West Brom should have a nice season and maybe that miserable git that smashed the fit bird from the one show will give us a smile. Boing Boing mother****ers.
Finish:9th
Player to watch: Lukaku
West Ham
Big Sam, that badass is back with a vengence and his not so real twitter account is ****ing hilarious.So instead of writing anything else, its just going to be some of his tweets. You'll understand.
notBigSam â€@TheBig_Sam
Singing 'Pump Up The Jam' at the lads in the dressing room, whilst firing scalding gravel into their faces. **** me, we're ready.
notBigSam â€@TheBig_Sam
If you put a whore in a Villa shirt in front of me right now, I'd tear her apart like cheap fudge.
notBigSam â€@TheBig_Sam
Feeling blue over my failure to lure big Andy Carroll to West Ham, so watched the last ever episode of 'Dawson's Creek' again. Big Mistake.
Amen
Finishing place- 15th
Player to watch: notBigsam's twitter account
Wigan Atheletic
Finally, last and the least. Wigan. Don't underestimate them, a club doesn't get called the pieeaters without doing some serious man****. Each year them and their millions of fans tinter on the brink of relegation, only to be saved on the last days and thus cue the throwing in the air of Martinez.
They get a look of stick about support and rightly so in certain cases but they have a good thing going, good scouting to buy players and sell them on for a lot of money and it may look like Victor Moses will be the latest in that. They are like that unpopular kid at the party, hes not looking to get on any girls, hes just delighted hes been invited. Except its like the 7th party hes been to and he hasn't even got near them, just gets quietly ****faced in the corner then walks home by himself. Good guy really. Nothing special all the girls think hes a bit creepy, I bet you he has a massive wang though.
Finishing place: 17th
Player to watch: Franco Di Santo.Why? Seriously its the end of this long ass post I really don't need to explain on this one.
