Sticking a loo roll holder up your backside

[rascal]

'A man was forced to call the emergency services after a toilet roll holder got stuck up his bottom at his house in Newport, South Wales. The unidentified man was reportedly unable to move and decided to dial 999 from his mobile phone. Firemen then removed the object, with paramedics providing medical attention at the scene. The Fire Brigades Union in Wales is quoted by the Mirror as saying: "We do have to deal with wacky things. Sometimes someone will tell you a story and you just think: "I can't top that". To be honest, if I managed to get myself into one of these sorts of scrapes, the last thing I would want would be a whole crew of firefighters coming to see me" - The Metro

 

[EFC David]

Lightweight. He would have been better with a butt plug or vibrator.

 

[Bungle]

BML resorting to drastic measures there.

 

[steken1]

I usually just use the echo of we run out!

 

[Reidy's Bottle Of Grecian]

What on Earth makes you say "Fire" to the 999 operator in this situation ? Since when were FireFighters experts on the removal of Anal Intrusions, at least there's a remote chance that a paramedic may have had to perform some kind of removal.

In fact he'd have been better off asking for a Customs Officer or Prison Officer than a Fireman.

 

[rascal]

Wouldn't some washing up liquid see to it?

 

[Bungle]

What on Earth makes you say "Fire" to the 999 operator in this situation ? Since when were FireFighters experts on the removal of Anal Intrusions, at least there's a remote chance that a paramedic may have had to perform some kind of removal.

In fact he'd have been better off asking for a Customs Officer or Prison Officer than a Fireman.

Or even a locksmith mate

 

[Big Fat Sam]

Would have been a lot better lobbing the round end of the toilet brush up his arse, to be honest.

 

[Big Fat Sam]

Or even a locksmith mate

That Gillian woman from I'm a Celebrity a few years back was an expert in fecal matters, she'd have had it out in no time.

 

[SingBlue]

Could've been worse...

http://www.arrse.co.uk/wiki/Hamster

I first read about this a loooooong time ago in Private Eye

Edit: found the text as published in Private Eye:

Subject: Fun with Mr. Gerbil...
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil." Vito Bustone told doctors in the severe burns unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kikki Rodriguez, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in," He explained. "As usual, Kikki shouted 'Armageddon.' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot up the tube igniting Mr. Bustone's mustache and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Bustone suffered second degree burnes and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later told reporters:"It's Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some queer's trademan's entrance."