BLOEMFONTEIN. Scientists working round the clock at the Universiteit van Poggenpoelspoordam have determined that the practice of alcohol detox known as ‘Sober January’ causes the liver to rejuvenate by up to 18% with a corresponding happiness drop of around 97%. “We’ve crunched the numbers time and again, and the results are clear,†said head scientist Ivan Tawoman. “By January 31st you’ve got yourself a brand sparkling new liver, and a forearm scarred with knife cuts.â€
The results produced by a research team from the UVP are the culmination of a decade-long study into the phenomenon of ‘Sober January’.
“To give you a bit of background, Sober January occurs when the effects of cumulative binge-drinking over the six weeks prior to January 1st produce a potent cocktail of self-loathing, a general feeling of ill-health and an expansion of several inches around the midriff,†Tawoman explained. He said that it was easy to see why a period of complete abstinence seemed an appropriate solution.
“In past centuries, individuals who overdosed on flagons of mead over Ye Festive Seasone would traditionally punish themselves by donning a shirt of scratchy hog-hair and administering daily beatings to themselves with bunches of thorn branches,†Tawoman said.
Over the past two centuries, he explained, the texture of hog hair has become significantly less coarse due to factory-farmed pigs being injected daily with syringes of Dark ‘n Lovely conditioner, and deforestation in urban areas has resulted in a critical lack of access to thorn branches for the self-hating individuals who need them most at this time of year.
“As such, we’ve seen a gradual shift away from the time-honoured methods of self-torture to the more sinister, internalised form of flagellation we now term Sober January,†Tawoman said.
The team from Poggenpoelspoordam carried out their research by studying the moods of affected individuals for the month in question.
“A clear trajectory emerged whereby 15th to 25th January saw our research subjects barely able to get out of beds in the morning, declining social invitations in favour of rocking gently in the foetal position in the dark, and declaring themselves fricken sick to death of fricken fruit juice,†Tawoman said.
“By January 25th we saw a slight lifting of depression, with the evident emotional high-point coming for Sober January adherents on the evening of January 31st, when every single individual we investigated got themselves ****faced to the point of complete obliteration.â€
The research team’s ultimate finding was that the liver-cleansing benefits of Sober January were radically outweighed by the “life-threatening depression†that accompanied the detox.
“It’s up to each individual to make an informed decision about responsible lifestyle choices,†Tawoman summed up. “But basically, you put that bottle down now, china, and you’ll be crying for your mommy in two days time.â€
