one liners

[Piijt]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”

'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what... Never again'

Exit signs? They're on the way out!

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

So I said to a Scotsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

Tim Vine