joke

[sirblue57]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying .....

'She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

 

[best little spaniard]

Here's one:

My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?

 

[Mutzo Nutzo]

Q. Why did the lump of steak cross the road

A. Coz he was meetin Potatoe pie

*gets coat

 

[sirblue57]

Got a phone call from a mate last night.
He had just got back from a trip to London and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera. Absolutely free.
I asked,
"Where did you get that?"
He said,
"I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar Square and was just passing the time of day with them."
After a few minutes I was about to go when they asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me a camera.
They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them,
'WAVE!’ and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

 

[Jamo Martinez]

Here's one:

My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?

Same thing happened to me. I took a can of beer out of the fridge and slowly poured it into the jar. The sand absorbed the beer and it fit into the jar perfectly. I said, ''No matter how full your life is, there's always room for a beer''.

 

[DualityNSNO]

Same thing happened to me. I took a can of beer out of the fridge and slowly poured it into the jar. The sand absorbed the beer and it fit into the jar perfectly. I said, ''No matter how full your life is, there's always room for a beer''.

You are my hero.

 

[trigger the blue]

Girl in a short skirt and no knickers at the top of the stairs on a London bus shouts down to the conductor "is this ealing?"
he says "fukin hell from were im standing it looks like it could do with a couple of stitches!"