Facebook Status Translator

[johnnydawg68]

Facebook can be a wonderful tool. It’s good for reconnecting with old friends and organizing social events. Sadly, Facebook also has a dark, dark underbelly that could deflower your innocent mind if you are not careful. Due to spending an unhealthy amount of time reading Facebook statuses, I have been able to develop an accurate translation for what Facebook statuses actually mean.

Enjoy.

Facebook Status Number 1: I luv my gf so much!!!! She is teh lite of my lif. We hav a luv tat wil last 4eva!

Translation: Despite my claims that our love will last forever, chances are that our love will only last just a couple more weeks. Hopefully, this status will make my girlfriend put out. Also, I cannot spell. I am a moron.

Facebook Status Number 2: UGGGGHHHH!!!! I hate my life. Why does everything always go so wrong for me?

Translation: Attention. I crave it.

Facebook Status Number 3: Worshipping Jesus/Allah/No one/ The Flying Spaghetti Monster/ Tom Cruise is right and everyone else is wrong!!!!!

Translation: I’m bored and I really want someone to argue with me right now.

Facebook Status Number 4: I’mmmmm ssssssoooooo drrrrruuuuunnnkk rite now!

Translation: I’ve had two shots of vodka.

Facebook Status Number 5: I hate the opposite sex. They suck.

Translation: Why won’t anyone go with me? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I generalize the very people that I so desperately want to be with. I also fail to realize that the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me.

Facebook Status Number 6: I like smoking crack and I am a child molester!!!!

Translation: This status was made by a friend of the Facebook account holder. The Facebook account holder is obviously not a crack smoker or a child molester.

Facebook Status Number 7: I GOT SO MUCH SWAG BRO. BOW. DRINK UP TONIGHT! SWAG!

I need to be removed from the gene pool. Capital letters make a Facebook status 75 percent cooler. The fact that I exist make people doubt the very existence of God.

Facebook Status Number 8: My birthday is tomorrow!!!

Translation: Please wish me a happy birthday on Facebook tomorrow. Your “Happy Birthdays†validate my existence.

Facebook Status Number 9: -Insert copy and pasted status here-

Translation: I know everyone has already seen this status a million times. I think everyone has to see everything at least a million and one times before they are truly affected. Also, if rocks could die, I would have the creativity of a dead rock.

Facebook Status Number 10: IM SO SICK OF ALL THE DRAMA!

Translation: I am not sick of all the drama. Please give me more. Maybe drama can fix my caps lock key.

Facebook Status Number 11: Eating some pizza!

Translation: People care about my dietary choices.

Facebook Status Number 12: I’m so proud of little Johnny for scoring a goal in soccer today!!!

Translation: My kids are better than your kids, bitch. Your child doesn’t have **** on little Johnny.

Facebook Status Number 13: So, what do you guys think about politics?

Translation: I don’t want to argue, but I want other people to argue on my status. Getting tons of Facebook notifications makes me feel good about myself.

Facebook Status Number 14: I NEED YOU SO BAD BABY GIRL!!!

Translation: I have no interests and hobbies beyond my soon-to-failed relationship. Also, I need my baby girl to fix my caps lock key.

Facebook Status Number 15: Check out this link to the new rap I made and then put on Youtube.

Translation: Click this link and you’ll hate yourself for life.

Facebook Status Number 16: I’m so tired of people being bitchy to me. You know who you are!

Translation: Actually confronting the person who is giving me problems is way too courageous for me to do, so I’m going to passively-aggressively broadcast my problems to the public who mostly likely do not give a damn about my problems.

http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/4c183fbeca/facebook-status-translator

 

[Titus Bramble]

I have too many "friends" who post status' like number 2 and it doesn't half make me fume.

It makes it worse when someone proceeds to ask what's wrong and the original poster replies with "I don't want to talk about it".

Another fury invoking status was something along the lines of "Why did you have to bring more people into this? Grow up". My laptop nearly fell to an early grave from my 2nd story window.

 

[johnnydawg68]

I have too many "friends" who post status' like number 2 and it doesn't half make me fume.

It makes it worse when someone proceeds to ask what's wrong and the original poster replies with "I don't want to talk about it".

Another fury invoking status was something along the lines of "Why did you have to bring more people into this? Grow up". My laptop nearly fell to an early grave from my 2nd story window.

Drives me insane!!!

 

[tommye]

Sorry Mr Dawg sir, but like on real facebook i lost interest after the 2nd one so never read it all.

 

[Cena]

8 & 9 make me fume the most.

 

[Kurt.]

J Dawg = Attention seeker.

 

[johnnydawg68]

J Dawg = Attention seeker.

Oh you.

 

[DualityNSNO]

Nice thread.

 

[paulbefc]

Lol, so true. I have a girl in particular on my facebook whose every other status begins with "some people" before she goes on a rant about what certain people (normally other girls) have been posting on facebook. No one on her friends list knows who these "some people" are and it's always the most bitchy, depressing and infuriating thing to read that makes you momentarily question whether violence against women is really unacceptable in some cases.

She has impossibly huge tits for her build though, so fair play, she survives deletion every time.

 

[Degs62]

*Facebook is evil, leaves

 

[Welton Toffee]

Also the classic 'name of a generic crap band/singer followed by a love heart' status. Why? Why do my eyes need to see that?

 

[Roztitute]

Number 2 makes me fume haha. Seen that a lot.

 

[Elong]

"Hacking" someone's facebook and posting a silly status was funny in 2008 as well...

 

[Cena]

"Hacking" someone's facebook and posting a silly status was funny in 2008 as well...

Oh you mean 'Fraping' someone.

That for me is a big of a [Poor language removed] attitude as FIXED is

 

[Elong]

Oh you mean 'Fraping' someone.

That for me is a big of a [Poor language removed] attitude as i am

FIXED like this?

Just joking mate x