THE BIGGEST MEANINGLESS TOURNAMENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLLLLD
"The 100th anniversary of our continental tournament is coming up. What should we do?"
"Oh, I know. Invite some CONCACAFers, host it in the United States, and rake in the dough."
Cash grabs ain't just for FIFA anymore, baby.
YOUR GROUPS ARE:
GROUP A
THE GLORIOUS USMNMNMNMNMNMNMNMNMNT who could genuinely miss the knockouts (
United States)
HA-MEZ, FALCAO, AND COCAINE. TOURNAMENT FAVORITES (
Colombia)
THE MIGHTY SLOTHS, DESTROYERS OF CHAMPIONS (
Costa Rica)
SERIOUSLY ANTOLIN ALCARAZ HAS 23 CAPS FOR THEM, I THINK THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO KNOW (
Paraguay)
GROUP B
JARG OVERRATED BEAUTS (
Brazil)
THEY'RE REALLY QUITE SOUND BUT CAN YOU ACTUALLY NAME A SINGLE ONE OF THEIR PLAYERS? (
Ecuador)
"WE'RE JUST HERE 'CUZ WE'RE LESS LIKELY TO STARVE HERE THAN WE ARE AT HOME" (
Haiti)
NEVER QUITE RECOVERED FROM THAT SPANISH THUMPING WITH A PIZARRO HAT TRICK 500 YEARS AGO (
Peru)
GROUP C
THE NEW KING OF THE PILE OF MOLDY REFRIED BEANS THAT IS CONCACAF (
Mexico)
A BITEY [Poor language removed]-LORD AND 10 OTHERS (
Uruguay)
WES MORGAN AND HIS ISLAND LOVESQUAD (
Jamaica)
Okay. A moment of silence for this one. Their country is literally falling apart and they're pretty likely to go home 0-3-0 in this group. RIP. (
Venezuela)
GROUP D
DODGE SPANISH TAXES, PILLAGE AMERICAN FOOTIE (
Argentina)
MORE TENACIOUS THAN COAL MINERS STUCK UNDERGROUND FOR A FEW WEEKS (
Chile)
I MEAN, I DUNNO DUDE, THEY MADE US LOOK LIKE BITCHES NOT TOO LONG AGO (
Panama)
I'm coming up on the end of this, running out of steam, and seriously Bolivia is the last team? Is Bolivia even a real country? When's the last time you heard of a Bolivian footballer? Or even met somebody from Bolivia? FFS. (
Bolivia)
The rumble begins June 3rd.
Let's boogie.