lukecrossland
Player Valuation: £6m
Got sent an email from someone at work and they had seen something called a "Craptains Log". Its a log stuck to the toilet door where people write the types of poo that they have just had. Says its quality! Seeing your boss has had a "Red Eye" can only add to conversations later in the day.
Got me thinking of the types of poo and i found these on the net. Do you regognise any of these? Had a fountain earlier (sure you didnt want to know that)
The Amphibian Turd
This rare turd is so long that half of it is sticking out of the water. The only way to get it to flush is to break it up into small pieces with the nearest stick-like object, usually someone's toothbrush.
The Farty Turd
This [Poor language removed] comes accompanied with numerous farts and squeaks. It usually happens at work with your boss in the next cubical.
The Teflon Turd
This non-stick [Poor language removed] comes out so clean, you don't need any toilet paper.
The Marker Turd
This thick soft turd leaves a trail of skid mark type evidence in the bowl, but it usually only happens around your mother-in-law's house.
The Second-Coming Turd
You know how it is, you've finished, you wipe-up, you pull up your trousers, then you need to go again..
The Sticky Turd
This [Poor language removed] is so sticky, you use up a whole roll of arse-wipe and then eventually have to use the shower hose to get it clean.
The Garden Turd
There is a queue for the toilet, you are desperate, and it's already half way out. Only one option - Dump it in the back yard.
The Million Dollar Turd
There is a queue for the toilet, you are desperate, it's already half way out, and you have no garden. This is the turd you would pay a million dollars to drop.
The Phantom Turd
You felt it come out, but when you look down, there's no turd in the pan.
The Sweetcorn Turd
You've been eating plenty of sweetcorn so your turd looks like a brown version of a corn-on-the-cob.
The Peanut Turd
You've been eating lots of peanuts, and you can feel them when you wipe-up.
The Upper Class Turd
It doesn't matter what this guy's eaten, his [Poor language removed] don't stink.
The Red-Eye Turd
Man - this turd is at least twice the size of your areshole. It's so big you have to call a midwife to help with the delivery. Your eyes turn red, you scream in terror as you feel sure this one will rip you in half before it hits the water. When you wipe your arse, along with the poo, there is a whole heap of blood as well.
The Napalm Turd
It sticks and it burns. This merciless killer is fired from high above and destroys a wide area in one hit. In case of contact with skin, rinse immediately with plenty of water and seek medical attention.
The Exploding Head Turd
You strain and you squeeze, you squeeze and you strain, you need a pair of forceps to get it out before your head explodes.
The Fountain Turd
This bog-rocket shoots out your arse like a Scud missile, and sends a high-powered jet of water upwards which instinctively hits you right in the ring-piece.
The Floater
Flush after flush, this bugger refuses to die. The only way to get rid of it is to pick it up and toss it out the window.
The Immortal Turd
You walk into a public toilet, there is only one cubical and you come face to face with the previous occupant's floater! What do you do? You can't dump on top of it because you might do a 'fountain' contaminated with other persons turd-wash. So you spend the next 10 minuets trying to flush someone else's turd that wont die.
The Liquid Turd
This is not a turd, it's more of a brown-tinged transparent oily type substance that squirts over your arse-cheeks, the seat, the rim, everywhere except into the water.
The Machine-Gun Turd
This turd is essentially a liquid turd, except for the periodic interruption of the solid lumps shooting out in a rhythmic pattern.
The Coil Turd
A very long and continuous soft turd, about the width of a pencil which coils up at the bottom of the pan. Usually accompanied by a soft whimper from the poor unfortunate donator.
The Surprise Turd
This turd only occurs in places where there are no toilets, and no possible way of cleaning yourself. You think it's just a fart, but then that’s the surprise.
The Klingon Turd
This turd clings to your ring-piece no matter how much you shake and jump up and down. Even 'biting' at it with you sphincter muscle won't shake it loose.
The Alien Turd
You look down and say "No way did that come from my arse!". All the evidence is there but you still refuse to believe that you could have dropped such a strange looking turd.
The Two-Part Turd
You poo so much that you have to flush and then carry on pooing.
The Pebble Turd
You strain for hours, but all you can get out is one tiny little pebble sized plop.
The Peek-a-Boo Turd
You get this turd half way out, then it shoots straight back inside.
The Ironic Turd
You have semi-needed a crap all day: the feeling is there but you just can't be bothered going to the loo. You decide to go out, confident that you'll be able to keep it in till you get to wherever it is you are going. However, halfway between your starting point and your destination there is a rumbling down below. You haven't got enough time to go back or go forwards and you have to either find a bush or else cack in your pants.!
The Blip Turd
This small yet compact [Poor language removed] flies out of your ass sending a geyser of shitty water onto your ass!
The Skyscraper Turd
Basically like the amphibian turd, however this is so large, it touches your arse. This occurs after a very long period of constipation.
The Everlasting Turd
This is when you haven't been to toilet for about 2 days and when you do a [Poor language removed], it's all thick and sticky and about 1 metre long.
The Sharks Fin Turd
When a turd has a sharks fin halfway along its back. Its agony, as the fin gets closer to your ring, the pain intensifies, you dont know whether to ease it out or go for it in one big push. Common when eating lots of crisps.
The Coughing Turd
Even though you went two minutes ago, you cough and a wet pebble hits your pants.
The Jig-saw Turd
This razor sharp log is like a Picnic bar. It takes two steps out, one step back and progressively jig-saws your arsehole.
The Trick Turd
You rush to the toilet for a crap, but it was just a big fart!
Got me thinking of the types of poo and i found these on the net. Do you regognise any of these? Had a fountain earlier (sure you didnt want to know that)
The Amphibian Turd
This rare turd is so long that half of it is sticking out of the water. The only way to get it to flush is to break it up into small pieces with the nearest stick-like object, usually someone's toothbrush.
The Farty Turd
This [Poor language removed] comes accompanied with numerous farts and squeaks. It usually happens at work with your boss in the next cubical.
The Teflon Turd
This non-stick [Poor language removed] comes out so clean, you don't need any toilet paper.
The Marker Turd
This thick soft turd leaves a trail of skid mark type evidence in the bowl, but it usually only happens around your mother-in-law's house.
The Second-Coming Turd
You know how it is, you've finished, you wipe-up, you pull up your trousers, then you need to go again..
The Sticky Turd
This [Poor language removed] is so sticky, you use up a whole roll of arse-wipe and then eventually have to use the shower hose to get it clean.
The Garden Turd
There is a queue for the toilet, you are desperate, and it's already half way out. Only one option - Dump it in the back yard.
The Million Dollar Turd
There is a queue for the toilet, you are desperate, it's already half way out, and you have no garden. This is the turd you would pay a million dollars to drop.
The Phantom Turd
You felt it come out, but when you look down, there's no turd in the pan.
The Sweetcorn Turd
You've been eating plenty of sweetcorn so your turd looks like a brown version of a corn-on-the-cob.
The Peanut Turd
You've been eating lots of peanuts, and you can feel them when you wipe-up.
The Upper Class Turd
It doesn't matter what this guy's eaten, his [Poor language removed] don't stink.
The Red-Eye Turd
Man - this turd is at least twice the size of your areshole. It's so big you have to call a midwife to help with the delivery. Your eyes turn red, you scream in terror as you feel sure this one will rip you in half before it hits the water. When you wipe your arse, along with the poo, there is a whole heap of blood as well.
The Napalm Turd
It sticks and it burns. This merciless killer is fired from high above and destroys a wide area in one hit. In case of contact with skin, rinse immediately with plenty of water and seek medical attention.
The Exploding Head Turd
You strain and you squeeze, you squeeze and you strain, you need a pair of forceps to get it out before your head explodes.
The Fountain Turd
This bog-rocket shoots out your arse like a Scud missile, and sends a high-powered jet of water upwards which instinctively hits you right in the ring-piece.
The Floater
Flush after flush, this bugger refuses to die. The only way to get rid of it is to pick it up and toss it out the window.
The Immortal Turd
You walk into a public toilet, there is only one cubical and you come face to face with the previous occupant's floater! What do you do? You can't dump on top of it because you might do a 'fountain' contaminated with other persons turd-wash. So you spend the next 10 minuets trying to flush someone else's turd that wont die.
The Liquid Turd
This is not a turd, it's more of a brown-tinged transparent oily type substance that squirts over your arse-cheeks, the seat, the rim, everywhere except into the water.
The Machine-Gun Turd
This turd is essentially a liquid turd, except for the periodic interruption of the solid lumps shooting out in a rhythmic pattern.
The Coil Turd
A very long and continuous soft turd, about the width of a pencil which coils up at the bottom of the pan. Usually accompanied by a soft whimper from the poor unfortunate donator.
The Surprise Turd
This turd only occurs in places where there are no toilets, and no possible way of cleaning yourself. You think it's just a fart, but then that’s the surprise.
The Klingon Turd
This turd clings to your ring-piece no matter how much you shake and jump up and down. Even 'biting' at it with you sphincter muscle won't shake it loose.
The Alien Turd
You look down and say "No way did that come from my arse!". All the evidence is there but you still refuse to believe that you could have dropped such a strange looking turd.
The Two-Part Turd
You poo so much that you have to flush and then carry on pooing.
The Pebble Turd
You strain for hours, but all you can get out is one tiny little pebble sized plop.
The Peek-a-Boo Turd
You get this turd half way out, then it shoots straight back inside.
The Ironic Turd
You have semi-needed a crap all day: the feeling is there but you just can't be bothered going to the loo. You decide to go out, confident that you'll be able to keep it in till you get to wherever it is you are going. However, halfway between your starting point and your destination there is a rumbling down below. You haven't got enough time to go back or go forwards and you have to either find a bush or else cack in your pants.!
The Blip Turd
This small yet compact [Poor language removed] flies out of your ass sending a geyser of shitty water onto your ass!
The Skyscraper Turd
Basically like the amphibian turd, however this is so large, it touches your arse. This occurs after a very long period of constipation.
The Everlasting Turd
This is when you haven't been to toilet for about 2 days and when you do a [Poor language removed], it's all thick and sticky and about 1 metre long.
The Sharks Fin Turd
When a turd has a sharks fin halfway along its back. Its agony, as the fin gets closer to your ring, the pain intensifies, you dont know whether to ease it out or go for it in one big push. Common when eating lots of crisps.
The Coughing Turd
Even though you went two minutes ago, you cough and a wet pebble hits your pants.
The Jig-saw Turd
This razor sharp log is like a Picnic bar. It takes two steps out, one step back and progressively jig-saws your arsehole.
The Trick Turd
You rush to the toilet for a crap, but it was just a big fart!
