Amazingly useful tips:

[Baines' left foot]

I'm in stitches here. I've never seen this before, Well bumped!

 

[Pat's Van]

Cross your fingers and curl your middle finger around your index finger. Now grab your ring finger and curl it over the back of your curled middle finger. Do the same with your little finger. Your hand now looks damaged.

No way, I thought these were just taking the p!ss, but this one really works !!!

 

[Frank Drebin]

No way, I thought these were just taking the p!ss, but this one really works !!!

If you masturbate like that it feels like it's the hand of an arthritic pensioner.

 

[Pat's Van]

If you masturbate like that it feels like it's the hand of an arthritic pensioner.

Gonna try that now. Will post the results on here.
(please forgive any mis-spellings though, my hand's damaged)