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He did what he did and we did play some good football at times, but his record since suggests we are probably better off without him. The problem isn't Moyes and it never was- the problem is that our club doesn't progress, more it regresses. We continually go backwards and forwards and don't...

Calvert-Lewin isn't that good.

Swimmer

Oh, right. Well, there's also this chap called Ronaldo for Portugal and this youngun called Neymar. I think they'll achieve big things too!

Iron Maiden En Vivo vinyl.

Phlegm

Team

Dolphins

There's this lad called Messi in the Argentina squad that I've heard is destined for big things.

Jordan Pickford. That is all. The rest depend on Silva's style and plans for our squad. Even then, nobody covered themselves in glory last season. I'll forgive Coleman due to injury.

Trust me, it isn't really a spoiler. He has no impact in the storyline and his link to the whole thing is tenuous at best. But apologies if you feel it is.

Solo: A Star Wars story. It was 'meh'. Not bad, but a little predictable. And the appearance of Darth Maul at the end will confuse the majority of cinema-goers who will assume he died in Episode 1.

Shaky second half and a 'typical England' sort of performance. We looked a bit good in the first half, but I couldn't help but feel that a team such as Germany would have been less forgiving. I know you can only beat what is put in front of you but our dull second half performance tells me all I...

I would never wish I hurt upon anyone, but it's only Williams. We were a worse team last season with him on the pitch than we were without.

Don't worry. If we're anywhere near as turgid as last season, you'll be thankful that you can't see a thing anyway!

He's going to need a few seasons to really turn this squad into something he wants. We have so much dead wood that I can't see it all being overhauled by next summer, which means we are going to need to be patient and not expect him to win the league immediately. Ultimately, we are still a few...

Okay, so let's assume we're only going to be able to bring in three signings. None of them should be overpaid mercenaries like the recent signings have been (apart from Picky). We need a LB, CB and some form of attacking player. Perhaps another genuinely decent striker, and if we can replace...

I'd take a lower league position but an improvement in performances. After all, I can accept a defeat if we gave as good as we got and came at the opposition. Too many times last season we tried to park the bus and grind out a result and we were defeated by our own poor tactics. Give the top...

Captaincy isn't what it used to be in the Premier League, but I can't look beyond Coleman. Refreshing and honest, always a grafter, got a bit of skill to him. He came in after his injury and almost instantly changed the whole mentality of the team. But it'll be Baines or Jags or they'll do...

Lifeless (nobody say "Everton's 2017/18 performances". It isn't funny any longer)