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Didn't River Plate, Atletico Madrid and Villarreal get slimed not so long ago? And Juventus of course, lord knows what would have happened without such loyal players.

Year of the bird winning trophies so far: Carabao - Magpies Europa League- Cockerels FA - Eagles Premier league - Tits

It's only down to brown envelopes and the finest legal bods money can buy that we haven't finished above half of them. But heck, two is enough.

RIP United

1 minute.

7 mins added time. 7 mins until United become the next Leeds (or even Pompey?!)

Need something to liven up this final

1-0 SPURS

In another reality, we're 30 minutes into Athletic v Lazio. It's 2-2 already and there's already been a massive ruck and three VAR reviews, along with a sending off.

Should be sponsored by Horlicks. Somebody throw a steel chair or a barbed wire 4x4! Please!

This is why we should never have got rid of Niasse. Architects of our own downfall.

And now Newcastle really is a nothing game. Might just whup them now the pressure's off. Want to see Alcaraz really go for it alongside Ndiaye. "mmmm, see in them great potential do I..." 👽

Remember when we finished 6th in 2013 and many of us were all somewhat glad to see the back of Moyes? 6th will now probably get an automatic UCL quarter final spot in 2027 at this rate.

13th place trophy will be ours within the hour. Believe lads. Believe. Don't want to rely on a favour from Brentford on Sunday.

Spurs all day. It would be nice to be the third-best North West team if Utd go totally bust. Especially after uni years spent sharing halls with Manure fans who couldn't even spell Old Trafford, never mind go there.