Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Gwladysover]

Quick moan...me mam finally died after a long battle with cancer. it was horrible but the death and all the arrangements help you through it in a way. Now it's all over I realise a part of me died with her and it's not coming back. I feel pathetic in a way as I am 52, but it's hard to see the creeping death of a loved one devoured from the inside and feel any hope that it'll ok in the long run.
I've lost the joy for anything.
I write part-time and have been quite successful and was on the cusp of going full-time, but all I want to do is sleep. Haven't written a word in months.

So very sorry to read this and my sincerest condolences on the passing of your Mum. Give yourself time to grieve and deal with the many emotions which come with the loss of your loved one, you are certainly not pathetic. My very best wishes to you.

 

[COYBL25]

Quick moan...me mam finally died after a long battle with cancer. it was horrible but the death and all the arrangements help you through it in a way. Now it's all over I realise a part of me died with her and it's not coming back. I feel pathetic in a way as I am 52, but it's hard to see the creeping death of a loved one devoured from the inside and feel any hope that it'll ok in the long run.
I've lost the joy for anything.
I write part-time and have been quite successful and was on the cusp of going full-time, but all I want to do is sleep. Haven't written a word in months.

Do you have any support mate from, siblings, family and friends, ideally this isn’t something you should be going through by yourself ?

Wanting to sleep all the time, can be a really big indicator of depression too. Have you thought about seeing your GP, as they could refer you to a bereavement councillor and maybe prescribe something to hopefully give you a short term lift ?

Sorry for your loss mate, please keep posting x

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Quick moan...me mam finally died after a long battle with cancer. it was horrible but the death and all the arrangements help you through it in a way. Now it's all over I realise a part of me died with her and it's not coming back. I feel pathetic in a way as I am 52, but it's hard to see the creeping death of a loved one devoured from the inside and feel any hope that it'll ok in the long run.
I've lost the joy for anything.
I write part-time and have been quite successful and was on the cusp of going full-time, but all I want to do is sleep. Haven't written a word in months.

So sorry to hear about your Mum. It sounds like it is still early days after her passing. Give yourself time to grieve. Age is irrelevant, your Mum is your Mum no matter how old you are. Think of the nice memories you have of your Mum and not, as you say so eloquently, her creeping death.
Much love.

 

[BiggyRat]

Quick moan...me mam finally died after a long battle with cancer. it was horrible but the death and all the arrangements help you through it in a way. Now it's all over I realise a part of me died with her and it's not coming back. I feel pathetic in a way as I am 52, but it's hard to see the creeping death of a loved one devoured from the inside and feel any hope that it'll ok in the long run.
I've lost the joy for anything.
I write part-time and have been quite successful and was on the cusp of going full-time, but all I want to do is sleep. Haven't written a word in months.

My sincere condolences.
Cancer can go & get

Your age is irrelevant. She's still your 'mam' no matter how old you are. The fact that you feel this way shows how big she was in your life. Decide that the bit that died with her was the time during her Cancer. Let that pain be the part that died, park it somewhere, & revel in the joy you shared in her company!

Consider that her pain is gone & so should yours. Remember all the good times & fun moments. Focus on them & get back into writing when you're ready.

 

[Lobworm]

Quick moan...me mam finally died after a long battle with cancer. it was horrible but the death and all the arrangements help you through it in a way. Now it's all over I realise a part of me died with her and it's not coming back. I feel pathetic in a way as I am 52, but it's hard to see the creeping death of a loved one devoured from the inside and feel any hope that it'll ok in the long run.
I've lost the joy for anything.
I write part-time and have been quite successful and was on the cusp of going full-time, but all I want to do is sleep. Haven't written a word in months.

First of all, condolences to you and yours. We lost our mum the same way, nigh on 30 years ago, and I had the same feelings.
There was a counselling charity group called Cruse. This was a massive help to me at the time, although there was no overnight cure.
I can assure you, in most cases of similar bereavement, the feelings we get are temporary, although they can and will sporadically return, it does get easier with time.

Out of interest, what is it that you write about?

 

[BigDunc'sFod]

Quick moan...me mam finally died after a long battle with cancer. it was horrible but the death and all the arrangements help you through it in a way. Now it's all over I realise a part of me died with her and it's not coming back. I feel pathetic in a way as I am 52, but it's hard to see the creeping death of a loved one devoured from the inside and feel any hope that it'll ok in the long run.
I've lost the joy for anything.
I write part-time and have been quite successful and was on the cusp of going full-time, but all I want to do is sleep. Haven't written a word in months.

Mate, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. While hopefully with time your memories will tend toward those that bring a smile rather than a tear, it's normal to feel despondent or find it hard to know how to grieve, particularly when there's been a protracted illness or long-term issues and even feelings of guilt for being glad it's all over. For those of us lucky enough to have a parent around into adulthood, the loss can feel debilitating since at the very least your losing a constant, someone who's known you from the day you were born.

Give yourself time to process this profound loss. Consider going to parental loss support groups or talking with family or friends about your mother (one of the very helpful grieving components of a wake for example), or even taking with a professional like your doctor or a counselor.

Since you're a writer you may even consider doing something with that. A short poem or song, noting some of her idiosyncrasies, or even just writing (not typing) a stream of your thoughts onto some paper could help. None of it has to be shared with anyone.

Or, simply, get it all out here. We're here for you.

 

[the golden visionary]

It's a sobering realisation when you realise that your family, the people you dote on, would do anything for, literally drive miles in the middle of the night, fiscally aid without a second thought won't even have a conversation with you because deep down, they will always and only ever see you for who you were and not who you are now, disregarding the years of work you've done to go from someone who was inches away to someone with their life completely together, best job they've had, and genuinely content, with none of the thoughts or urges that drove them to near insanity. Sometimes I think it's because it was more of a story to have that person instead of this. Maybe it's because when they throw their thoughtless barbs my way now I brush them off and call them on it instead of flying of the handle validating their preconceived notions and pideonholing, so again a good story for the sympathetic sycophants that populate their existences.

I have changed, I don't rattle, I don't bend, I don't break. I know who I am. Shame they don't.

It takes a lot nowadays for me to get this pissed off, thank you for giving me the platform to air these greviences anonymously so I cam continue to be who I am .

 

[andy4efc]

@AUXLEN

It gets better. While I appreciate it's not quite the same. When my nan passed in 2013, i was devstated but over time I think regularly how I miss her. I didnt meet my grandad on that side and my dads side never interacted with us - they were jehovah's witnesses - so they didnt do the whole grandparents thing of presents and stuff, meaning we didnt see them that often at all. So we had a really good relationship.

I miss my nan to this day, i wish she could have met my wife, see how im doing and wish I could have had her as an option when things got really tough.

It will get better. Over time you stop sort of grieving about why it has happened and how it has happened, and you start to appreciate the good things. I still mention to my wife i miss my nan but when I do find myself thinking about missing her, i think about the good times, how she came from Liverpool, to Wigan, to take me and pick me up from school becuase my dad was crippled recklessly by a hollyoaks actor and couldnt drive, my mum wasnt confident driving, she had everything to deal with caring for my dad while raising three children. An absolutely crazy bombshell dropped on our family and now I'm older i remember how my nan stepped in, even at 78/80 years old driving from Huyton to mine just to look after me. My brothers were old enough to get the bus to school or take care of themselves, but I was only 10 when that happened and my nan was a huge part of my life and why im still breathing today.

There is no solution, only time heals it and over time you will think about losing her not in a negative way but in a positive and a celebratory/appreciative way.

 

[Zezti]

Haven't posted in here for a while, mostly because I am doing alright these days but looking for some advice about how to handle aging family members. By aging, I mean ailing mind. Loss of memory and logical thinking facilities. That sort of thing.

I live very close by my retired Dad and still full-time employed Mum. I see my Dad daily, we eat lunch together, chat about the dog, football, whatever. He's not got many friends and doesn't go out on his own volition. If I weren't around, he'd be alone all day until my Mum gets home from work. I make his lunch often, and cook his tea whenever Mum is away for an evening.

Over the last couple years his mind has been deteriorating. Its gotten to the point where he loses things constantly, imagines noises, forgets what he has been told and cannot grasp a lot of concepts. He's called to me to help when he can't put the harness on the dog before a walk and he's put it on rear-end first or upside down, or when he can't figure out how to use a household appliance or TV remote. He always gets frustrated and its a challenge to know how to engage. I also find myself losing patience when I try to spell things out as simply as I can and it clearly isn't being received. He then gets upset at my response, then I get upset because I've made him sad. I struggle to know how to respond. Sometimes its a serious thing like him putting his hand in the steam of a kettle or not taking the dog's post-surgery vest off so she can pee and she pees in it, risking infection in her wounds, and I feel compelled to try and be loud and clear to make sure he understands but he sees it as me having a go, even accused me of 'loving it' when he does something wrong which was pretty heartbreaking. My Mum has similar situations often, too.

He's in the NHS pipeline. Had several different scans, blood tests, memory tests and the consultants stop short of saying he needs care because he can feed, clothe and wash himself so there is no assistance or medication yet.

It feels like there are so many lose-lose interactions that are impossible to navigate where everyone comes out upset, almost daily. Its emotionally draining and I can't imagine it ever getting better.

 

[Tim's tourettes]

Haven't posted in here for a while, mostly because I am doing alright these days but looking for some advice about how to handle aging family members. By aging, I mean ailing mind. Loss of memory and logical thinking facilities. That sort of thing.

I live very close by my retired Dad and still full-time employed Mum. I see my Dad daily, we eat lunch together, chat about the dog, football, whatever. He's not got many friends and doesn't go out on his own volition. If I weren't around, he'd be alone all day until my Mum gets home from work. I make his lunch often, and cook his tea whenever Mum is away for an evening.

Over the last couple years his mind has been deteriorating. Its gotten to the point where he loses things constantly, imagines noises, forgets what he has been told and cannot grasp a lot of concepts. He's called to me to help when he can't put the harness on the dog before a walk and he's put it on rear-end first or upside down, or when he can't figure out how to use a household appliance or TV remote. He always gets frustrated and its a challenge to know how to engage. I also find myself losing patience when I try to spell things out as simply as I can and it clearly isn't being received. He then gets upset at my response, then I get upset because I've made him sad. I struggle to know how to respond. Sometimes its a serious thing like him putting his hand in the steam of a kettle or not taking the dog's post-surgery vest off so she can pee and she pees in it, risking infection in her wounds, and I feel compelled to try and be loud and clear to make sure he understands but he sees it as me having a go, even accused me of 'loving it' when he does something wrong which was pretty heartbreaking. My Mum has similar situations often, too.

He's in the NHS pipeline. Had several different scans, blood tests, memory tests and the consultants stop short of saying he needs care because he can feed, clothe and wash himself so there is no assistance or medication yet.

It feels like there are so many lose-lose interactions that are impossible to navigate where everyone comes out upset, almost daily. Its emotionally draining and I can't imagine it ever getting better.

I've had 3 close relatives with dementia, it's an awful thing. It hit home about your frustration, you're watching someone close going from fully capable to not doing the simple things. It's like watching them age backwards.
The lack of an offer of medication surprised me.... I'm going back near 20yrs when my nan was diagnosed with vascular dementia. Straightaway she was prescribed a drug that slowed the progression of it down . She managed another 7 years, post diagnosis, living on her own.
Her and another relative were also given anti depressants which stopped their frequent bouts of being upset and frustrated when they couldn't remember/got things wrong.
As mad as it sounds, as the family, we laughed with them and turned a lot of the frustrations into a running joke. Looking back it was just a way of coping but, especially my nan and uncle who had it, would laugh too at their own mistakes.
Don't beat yourself up for getting upset with him, despite all that I've typed here, I used to be mad as hell sometimes when my nan would ring me at 11pm saying she'd set off her house alarm etc.
Its no easy ride mate but I hope u find the strength to deal with it.

 

[AUXLEN]

Listen, I ran a mile after posting. I'm an old-school child of the 70s (Thatcher stole my milk) and was ashamed of my post. I am thankful for the responses and feel duty-bound to let you know I am getting better (thanks to your comments....seriously as grief can be so isolating).
again feeling like I am using me mam's death as self promotion I can answer questions posed
I write thrillers/horror under the name Tom Stearns on Amazon KDP, please take a look or share and email me with any questions.
Emotional support-wise I have a wife and a sister. It's tough as they are both quite emotional and I am socialised/trained to reign it in and endure. Boys don't cry etc.
Once again ty for all your comments I read them all and was too embarrassed to reply even though I should have.

 

[COYBL25]

Listen, I ran a mile after posting. I'm an old-school child of the 70s (Thatcher stole my milk) and was ashamed of my post. I am thankful for the responses and feel duty-bound to let you know I am getting better (thanks to your comments....seriously as grief can be so isolating).
again feeling like I am using me mam's death as self promotion I can answer questions posed
I write thrillers/horror under the name Tom Stearns on Amazon KDP, please take a look or share and email me with any questions.
Emotional support-wise I have a wife and a sister. It's tough as they are both quite emotional and I am socialised/trained to reign it in and endure. Boys don't cry etc.
Once again ty for all your comments I read them all and was too embarrassed to reply even though I should have.

No need to be embarrassed mate. Think of this thread a a sanctuary, where no one will judge you and people will listen and offer help and advice.

Glad things are picking up for you too

 

[coollino]

Got a small 'event'/BBQ coming up, probably less than 15 people, and my gf and the girl from work will both be at it. I reckon they may get on really well too if they talk, not sure if that makes it better or not.

I'm really dreading it, and I'd be happy not to go, but my gf really wants to (and I normally would in a normal situation). Even struggled to sleep when i found out

I'm fully aware I've been well overthinking (still) everything with it, which annoys me alot, but just as I started to stopped beating myself up about it, and got on with it, the anxiety of it all has started to come back. I think it all just happened at a bad time for me really, when I wasn't feeling great but I don't really get why I've struggled to shake this one off. I think I've just found it difficult not talking to anyone in real life about it (hence why I am writing this with no real purpose)

I'm sure it will be fine on the evening really, with no drama. I've not actually done anything wrong, and nor have the other two. Going to dread the introduction to each other but again I'm probably overthinking that too.

 

[Rita_Poon]

Got a small 'event'/BBQ coming up, probably less than 15 people, and my gf and the girl from work will both be at it. I reckon they may get on really well too if they talk, not sure if that makes it better or not.

I'm really dreading it, and I'd be happy not to go, but my gf really wants to (and I normally would in a normal situation). Even struggled to sleep when i found out

I'm fully aware I've been well overthinking (still) everything with it, which annoys me alot, but just as I started to stopped beating myself up about it, and got on with it, the anxiety of it all has started to come back. I think it all just happened at a bad time for me really, when I wasn't feeling great but I don't really get why I've struggled to shake this one off. I think I've just found it difficult not talking to anyone in real life about it (hence why I am writing this with no real purpose)

I'm sure it will be fine on the evening really, with no drama. I've not actually done anything wrong, and nor have the other two. Going to dread the introduction to each other but again I'm probably overthinking that too.

You said she was a bit embarrassed when she plucked up the courage to find out if you were interested. So it seems she's an ok sort. It wouldn't be conducive to a healthy working environment to be trying a homewrecking job. Just 'cos I'm nosey, how did you get roped into this small bbq event?

You reckon maybe the worry is feeding the anxiety and vice versa?

 

[coollino]

You said she was a bit embarrassed when she plucked up the courage to find out if you were interested. So it seems she's an ok sort. It wouldn't be conducive to a healthy working environment to be trying a homewrecking job. Just 'cos I'm nosey, how did you get roped into this small bbq event?

You reckon maybe the worry is feeding the anxiety and vice versa?

Yeah she is cool, I'm not really worried about her making a scene. I just feel a bit bad for her, cos I don't want to like rub her face in it, and bad for my gf as she isn't aware. I'm not sure if I should tell her beforehand that my gf is coming, or just leave it and try and not make a big deal of it

Her boss is a good friend of mine, and my gf is friends with his partner. He is kind of having a BBQ for his birthday, but it's just work people for some reason, so I fall within work and my gf will be there to stop his partner from getting bored

As you pointed out, it's clearly just a pointless stupid cycle and it's annoying me that it's bothering me.