Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Deleted member 28206]

Thanks to everyone for the comments, I'm in a [Poor language removed] place but hope to win.

 

[kithnou]

Thanks to everyone for the comments, I'm in a [Poor language removed] place but hope to win.

You can do it mate. One day at a time. One small goal at a time.

 

[Ashtonian]

I know again the post isn't negative but it is a continuation of previous posts so I'll add to keep anyone interested up to date.

Went to leeds today with the family to meet my sisters for the first time. Was an odd experience, was nervous beforehand and it did bother me thst I couldn't chat to them properly. Having the kids with me made it more difficult to just get to know them when I have to have one eye on the kids and more importantly all their attention is rightly on them also. It was nice to finally speak to them in person and it does kill me that I can't have a proper relationship with them. I understand they have their own lives thst I have entered 18 months ago and I respect that so I keep any communication online to general catch ups every now and again. But yeah, as much as I enjoy all of this it does get to me a little bit I can't be a brother to them simply because of the distance. It's hard to explain that to anyone without sounding mellow dramatic and with my two sister in laws I get to be that brother to them even in spirit only as they have two real ones. But yeah, to be perfectly honest I do find it tough sometimes that I can't be a real brother to my blood relatives

 

[kithnou]

I know again the post isn't negative but it is a continuation of previous posts so I'll add to keep anyone interested up to date.

Went to leeds today with the family to meet my sisters for the first time. Was an odd experience, was nervous beforehand and it did bother me thst I couldn't chat to them properly. Having the kids with me made it more difficult to just get to know them when I have to have one eye on the kids and more importantly all their attention is rightly on them also. It was nice to finally speak to them in person and it does kill me that I can't have a proper relationship with them. I understand they have their own lives thst I have entered 18 months ago and I respect that so I keep any communication online to general catch ups every now and again. But yeah, as much as I enjoy all of this it does get to me a little bit I can't be a brother to them simply because of the distance. It's hard to explain that to anyone without sounding mellow dramatic and with my two sister in laws I get to be that brother to them even in spirit only as they have two real ones. But yeah, to be perfectly honest I do find it tough sometimes that I can't be a real brother to my blood relatives

Understandable. But keep working at communication. Never know hat is in store for the future.

 

[Woolly Blue]

If I can offer my humble opinion after such a thoughtful post. The seeking of happiness has to be approached with an acceptance of it being a temporary nature when "found". It is the same as sadness being a temporary state only, both will occur for periods of your life and more so for some people of a certain personality or to be precise: chemical set up in their brains. Which is fine, its what you are and you are more likely to be compassionate to others and sensitive to other's feelings based on the depth of emotions you have experienced to contrast on both sides.

Why am I saying this? Because both states of happiness and sadness are opposites on both sides and therefore impossible to attain permanently, even though we naturally aspire to only one of them two states.

An achievable median therefore is better to seek, and that is contentment. Contentment is achievable for long periods and although there will be natural flux with periods leaning towards happiness or sadness, you can achieve contentment for long periods of your life.

An important facet of contentment is acceptance of it being a target and that things won't be perfect. A good tool for facilitating and training your brain into contentment ca be mindfulness. Either an app, a CD, a book or just a moment to do some breathing exercises. It begins acceptance for many which slows the brain down and can instigate the right environment for contentment to begin.

Don't chase happiness, chase contentment. Happiness will occur often during contentment.

A bit deep so soz, I'll go back to calling people scruffs now.

This is spot on. On the whole, you only realise later in life that long term contentment ( as opposed to just acceptance ) is the key, and chasing an illusory happiness can just be stressful and unrewarding.

I don't know if depression / anxiety is better diagnosed now, whether people are more likely to seek help or whether there are more pressures in life which lead to mental health issues. It's probably a combination of all these and more, but it does seem to be more common than 20 or 30 years ago.

If more people are seeking, and getting help, then that can only be good, but the pressures in the Western world to "succeed" ( whatever that actually means ) are huge.

 

[Groucho]

This is spot on. On the whole, you only realise later in life that long term contentment ( as opposed to just acceptance ) is the key, and chasing an illusory happiness can just be stressful and unrewarding.

I don't know if depression / anxiety is better diagnosed now, whether people are more likely to seek help or whether there are more pressures in life which lead to mental health issues. It's probably a combination of all these and more, but it does seem to be more common than 20 or 30 years ago.

If more people are seeking, and getting help, then that can only be good, but the pressures in the Western world to "succeed" ( whatever that actually means ) are huge.

I suppose the key to happiness is being content with what you have, and making the best of it.

 

[kithnou]

I suppose the key to happiness is being content with what you have, and making the best of it.

And possibly not spending a lifetime worrying that the grass is always greener?

 

[Woolly Blue]

I suppose the key to happiness is being content with what you have, and making the best of it.

Partly, but that gets a bit too close to just acceptance. It's OK, and healthy to want "better", but if you lose sight of what you already have, then it can all get a bit blurred.

Like Chico, I'm a fan of lists. If I were to make a list of five good things in your life I reckon it'd include :-

• Lovely wife who thinks the world of you
• Kids to be proud of
• Job that makes a real difference to other peoples lives
• Makes boss bread and ...
• Great taste in football clubs and whisky.

...but you'd likely forget the good things and fret about stuff which isn't perfect.

And possibly not spending a lifetime worrying that the grass is always greener?

Spot on. The people with "more" will have very similar worries to you and I.

 

[The Esk]

And possibly not spending a lifetime worrying that the grass is always greener?

Thanks for saying that. I've never thought of this before, but I've been lucky in life that I've never really had personal problems, but have had business problems (as all businesses do) from time to time. You got me thinking about this.

When businesses find the going tough their thinking becomes much more short term and the focus is on solving immediate problems, or those problems that can easily be solved, quickly. Long term planning is put on the back burner for a time at least. This strategy is a proven workable strategy.

Therefore with personal problems, why can't the same strategy work? i.e. in difficult times concentrate on things that can be resolved in the near term rather than the bigger long term, big picture issues. By focusing on the immediate, you make yourself more capable of dealing with the longer term issues moving forwards.

As a result of looking near term when in difficulty (and dealing near term) the temptation to consider the grass is greener elsewhere is reduced.

I hope this makes sense - it works with business entities (who after all are made of people) why can't it work with individuals?

When in trouble focus on near term achievable objectives. Succeeding with them will put you in a better position to solve longer term (and more difficult) problems.

 

[kithnou]

Thanks for saying that. I've never thought of this before, but I've been lucky in life that I've never really had personal problems, but have had business problems (as all businesses do) from time to time. You got me thinking about this.

When businesses find the going tough their thinking becomes much more short term and the focus is on solving immediate problems, or those problems that can easily be solved, quickly. Long term planning is put on the back burner for a time at least. This strategy is a proven workable strategy.

Therefore with personal problems, why can't the same strategy work? i.e. in difficult times concentrate on things that can be resolved in the near term rather than the bigger long term, big picture issues. By focusing on the immediate, you make yourself more capable of dealing with the longer term issues moving forwards.

As a result of looking near term when in difficulty (and dealing near term) the temptation to consider the grass is greener elsewhere is reduced.

I hope this makes sense - it works with business entities (who after all are made of people) why can't it work with individuals?

When in trouble focus on near term achievable objectives. Succeeding with them will put you in a better position to solve longer term (and more difficult) problems.

I agree with this mate. Like you, I have been relatively fortunate and free of personal problems throughout my life so far. Some difficult business moments as you also mentioned.

Like I mentioned above to @Bryan, I think it's wise to short term focus one day at a time. One short term goal at a time. It's amazing when we do this how time flies, and before we know it we are achieving some long term goals.

I also recommend to not judge yourself and compare yourself to others be that in personal life or work/business. I suffered from this situation with my business in the past and it just go me nowhere but miserable.

 

[Groucho]

And possibly not spending a lifetime worrying that the grass is always greener?

Yes. You'll just miss out on the good things that way.

 

[Groucho]

Partly, but that gets a bit too close to just acceptance. It's OK, and healthy to want "better", but if you lose sight of what you already have, then it can all get a bit blurred.

Like Chico, I'm a fan of lists. If I were to make a list of five good things in your life I reckon it'd include :-

• Lovely wife who thinks the world of you
• Kids to be proud of
• Job that makes a real difference to other peoples lives
• Makes boss bread and ...
• Great taste in football clubs and whisky.

...but you'd likely forget the good things and fret about stuff which isn't perfect.



Spot on. The people with "more" will have very similar worries to you and I.

Good point.

I must get you to make lists for me more often, I feel ace now lol

 

[COYBL25]

I have been lurking on here for well over a year but finding it extremely difficult to post myself. I am not a great talker and normally suffer alone but there are so many helpful, inspirational posters on here that make me feel not alone. I have been struggling for years with anxiety and depression which stems from being sexually assaulted years ago, At the age of 14, which I kept to myself. I never told anyone about it until I met my husband 9 years ago, he took it quite badly and made me report it at the police station, which was traumatic. I just want to forget it but it won't go away as certain things trigger which sends me into a downward spiral. I spoke to the doctor as I have been having suicidal thoughts and panic attacks and was prescribed citalopram. I am in a constant battle and the only person I will speak to but we both find it difficult is my husband as I have no other family apart from my daughter. I am sorry if I haven't put myself across well, and for rambling.

Apologies if you know this already, but there are support groups across the country whose sole purpose is to support the survivors of " historical abuse ". They were set up after the various scandals across the country, mainly in children's homes.
I'm not medically qualified, so I don't know if it's PTSD, but from what you've posted there, it has psychologically scarred you and needs proper in depth counselling. The Police also should have provided you with support or at the very least put you in touch with people who could point you in the right direction ?.

You haven't rambled at all and I can't begin to think how hard it was for you to post that mate. Incredibly brave and as others have said, hopefully the first steps to getting yourself better permanently.

Have a look at this forum too - Mentalhealtforum.org. NHS run and the community on there are wonderful in supporting each other and providing practical advice. There are threads on there with deal specifically with what what happened to you.

 

[Woolly Blue]

Good point.

I must get you to make lists for me more often, I feel ace now lol

Haha, I can't lie, ..

One of my sister's been suffering from anxiety on and off for three or four years and was fairly recently asked to list five good things in her life, so as well as "fixing what's wrong" they're working on "building on what's strong", which sounds dead cheesy, but seems to be helping.

 

[kithnou]

Haha, I can't lie, ..

One of my sister's been suffering from anxiety on and off for three or four years and was fairly recently asked to list five good things in her life, so as well as "fixing what's wrong" they're working on "building on what's strong", which sounds dead cheesy, but seems to be helping.

Great idea for us all I say.