Warzycha's Caterpillar
Player Valuation: £8m
Ever wanted to be a fly on the Everton wall during the transfer window?
The clock ticks to 1pm..
SR: "Bill, Bill! we've got bids in for players. Southend have bid 50p for Yobo and West Ham have raised their offer to £17 for the Yak"
BK (rubs hands): "Excellent! Dispatch them immediately, though tell both clubs they have to pay an extra £5.99 for next day delivery and £7.99 if they want them signed for. Have their wages re-routed to 'Arry's Printers to pay the outstanding invoice for Joseph catalogues".
SR: "Yes my master, what shall thy bidding be with regards appeasing the peasants?"
BK: "Pass me the Kenphone",
Steve Round dusts the cobwebs off the phone and passes it to BK
SR: "Yes my master, who shall we call?"
BK: "What time is it?"
SR: "1pm".
BK: "I can't be calling anyone now. My BT account only has free evening calls, plus I'm looking 24/7 for investment this afternoon. Let's come back at 11.30pm"
It's 11.30pm in Harry Redknapps office and 'Arry is enjoying a 5th pot of Jellied Eels..
'Arry: "Corr blimey guvnor, the phone is ringing, I hope it's some club I bankrupted hoping to offload great players to me for nothing before they go bust"
Daniel Levy (running to phone) " Oh B**locks It's Bill f**king Kenwright, what shall I say to him 'Arry"
'Arry: "Tell him i'm not printing out those f**king Joesph programmes again, I'm a facking football manager ya know. Tell him to fack off unless he's got any more average wingers or transfer tips for me. Corr blimey, apples and pears".
Daniel Levy (shouts out of window): "Oi, everyone come listen to this it's Kenwright on the phone".
(entire Spurs squad / staff shuffle into the office giggling...)
'Arry: "right shush everyone, I'm putting him on loudspeaker. Gimme the dog 'n bone."
'Arry (picks up phone): "Redknapp residence, how can I be of assistance, and all that malarky."
BK: "Oh, um, hello Harry, I wasn't um....expecting you to answer...what with it being ten minutes to transfer deadline....um...we were, um...err wondering...if we could sign Gareth Bale for £2m"
(Bill grins, nods and winks to SR and mutes phone)
BK: "Quick Steve, get on the OC, Tell them we've just failed in an audacious bid for Gareth Bale but couldn't agree a fee in time"
'Arry puts phone on mute as everyone in room is p**sing themselves laughing):
'Arry: "Well Bill me old mucker, funny you should call, we're actually skint and we'd love to sell him to you for £2m. I'll fax you the paperwork and we'll get it through right now. While I'm on, I've been trying to get hold of you but your answerphone says you're busy 24/7 looking for investment, about this Pienaar thing I bought from you last year. I think it's broken. I've still got the receipt, can i get a refund or exchange? My old man's a dustman"
BK (Turns white and fills his pants with a large brown pellet): "Oh, um.....err....So you actually will sell him to us?...um....well, about the finance of the deal....is it OK to spread it over the next 10 seasons? You see, we have this money coming from the Fortress sports fund...but it's not quite here yet- just watch this space....As for the Pienaar, it's sold as seen I'm afraid, we did put on the receipt that it wouldn't work properly unless you also purchased Leighton Baines."
'Arry: "Sure Bill, we trust ya me old mucker, get the documents signed and we'll get the wheels in motion, Bale is yours tonight for £2m. chim-chimerneeeee, chim chinooo".
('Arry pauses to wipe away tears of laughter)
BK: "OK....err.....um....Oh My god, there's a giant weasel with three heads and wings in my office, I've got to go...it's chasing us....arrrrgh....run Steve....help!"
(hangs up)...
The clock ticks to 1pm..
SR: "Bill, Bill! we've got bids in for players. Southend have bid 50p for Yobo and West Ham have raised their offer to £17 for the Yak"
BK (rubs hands): "Excellent! Dispatch them immediately, though tell both clubs they have to pay an extra £5.99 for next day delivery and £7.99 if they want them signed for. Have their wages re-routed to 'Arry's Printers to pay the outstanding invoice for Joseph catalogues".
SR: "Yes my master, what shall thy bidding be with regards appeasing the peasants?"
BK: "Pass me the Kenphone",
Steve Round dusts the cobwebs off the phone and passes it to BK
SR: "Yes my master, who shall we call?"
BK: "What time is it?"
SR: "1pm".
BK: "I can't be calling anyone now. My BT account only has free evening calls, plus I'm looking 24/7 for investment this afternoon. Let's come back at 11.30pm"
It's 11.30pm in Harry Redknapps office and 'Arry is enjoying a 5th pot of Jellied Eels..
'Arry: "Corr blimey guvnor, the phone is ringing, I hope it's some club I bankrupted hoping to offload great players to me for nothing before they go bust"
Daniel Levy (running to phone) " Oh B**locks It's Bill f**king Kenwright, what shall I say to him 'Arry"
'Arry: "Tell him i'm not printing out those f**king Joesph programmes again, I'm a facking football manager ya know. Tell him to fack off unless he's got any more average wingers or transfer tips for me. Corr blimey, apples and pears".
Daniel Levy (shouts out of window): "Oi, everyone come listen to this it's Kenwright on the phone".
(entire Spurs squad / staff shuffle into the office giggling...)
'Arry: "right shush everyone, I'm putting him on loudspeaker. Gimme the dog 'n bone."
'Arry (picks up phone): "Redknapp residence, how can I be of assistance, and all that malarky."
BK: "Oh, um, hello Harry, I wasn't um....expecting you to answer...what with it being ten minutes to transfer deadline....um...we were, um...err wondering...if we could sign Gareth Bale for £2m"
(Bill grins, nods and winks to SR and mutes phone)
BK: "Quick Steve, get on the OC, Tell them we've just failed in an audacious bid for Gareth Bale but couldn't agree a fee in time"
'Arry puts phone on mute as everyone in room is p**sing themselves laughing):
'Arry: "Well Bill me old mucker, funny you should call, we're actually skint and we'd love to sell him to you for £2m. I'll fax you the paperwork and we'll get it through right now. While I'm on, I've been trying to get hold of you but your answerphone says you're busy 24/7 looking for investment, about this Pienaar thing I bought from you last year. I think it's broken. I've still got the receipt, can i get a refund or exchange? My old man's a dustman"
BK (Turns white and fills his pants with a large brown pellet): "Oh, um.....err....So you actually will sell him to us?...um....well, about the finance of the deal....is it OK to spread it over the next 10 seasons? You see, we have this money coming from the Fortress sports fund...but it's not quite here yet- just watch this space....As for the Pienaar, it's sold as seen I'm afraid, we did put on the receipt that it wouldn't work properly unless you also purchased Leighton Baines."
'Arry: "Sure Bill, we trust ya me old mucker, get the documents signed and we'll get the wheels in motion, Bale is yours tonight for £2m. chim-chimerneeeee, chim chinooo".
('Arry pauses to wipe away tears of laughter)
BK: "OK....err.....um....Oh My god, there's a giant weasel with three heads and wings in my office, I've got to go...it's chasing us....arrrrgh....run Steve....help!"
(hangs up)...
