little curly alan ball
Player Valuation: £70m
For those in Helmand Province , Afghanistan generally , or anyone serving their Country , and away from their loved ones ....
STAY SAFE , peoples . THAT is a Goddamn' ORDER !!!
For , My Mother , My World , L.C.A.Barb , Me Auntie Do' , L.C.A.Babe , and Me Fambo .
Also , for My Mate , Colin Grimes . We DID the Undies Years , lid . I OWE you Dawg ...
An' , All My Peoples in The Struggle .... It's , Ya' Boi ; D' ,....
May The Good Lord be with you all .
Welcome , all , to our little corner of the Sabbath .
In beginning what is , I apologise for my recent Stress Related tardiness , My Congregation , only the Second Sermon of the New Year , I have decided , in the second half of the Campaign , to cast a little Spotlight into the more nether regions of the St. Domingo , Hall Of Fame . Figures of a less than prominent , immediate , position in the minds of Evertonians , but ones whom , nevertheless resonate on our own Richter Scale for a myriad of reasons . One such is the subject of today's lesson .
Furthermore , it has been interesting , that in composing today's piece , I have necessarily re-lived certain catastrophic moments in our recent past , whilst the Team and The Club , I love , continues to regress in 2011 . Let's be honest , at any other time this season , this Sermon may have been fine and all , the but the WIDER message may have been missed .Timothy Joel Faliqa Cahill Sermon , in reverse . I doubt that will be the case this time , however .
The focus of today is what , I suppose , would be termed a Work -A - Day Footballer . Nothing Special .... THEN , you get to quantifying Evertonian-ness , and ... TAH - DAH ...!!! He's up with the REAL Legends . During his time at L4 , 4EL , he was a Youth Team Manchester United Fan , who went through the Everton System . He broke into the first team , and became somewhat of a Prodigy . Was often our best player in a time when Relegation was a constant spectre , moreover , played LESS than 50 games in the position that saw him rise to prominence and played in the Wimbledon Game , and missed the Coventry Game , because ... Well , that's for later . THE POINT , is that , ABOVE ALL THINGS , circumstances , opposition , personal form , and , toe-curlingly embarrassingly , abuse from his own fans , this lad , undoubtably GOT IT !!!
Ladies and Gentlemen , I have the great pleasure in introducing , David Unsworth .
Undies , as he will be forever known , at least to THIS Internet Phenomenon , was born on October 16 , in Chorley , Lancashire . He was , like another Large Framed individual from the Preston Area with a penchant for Snacks , Flintoff ; a Big Lad from a Youth , but nevertheless had a Left Peg on him and duly passed through each level of the system . He was recruited to Everton's Academy whilst a Scholar and was duly signed to a Professional Contract in 1990 . His debut came in the final away game of the following year , a 3-3 draw at Tottenham . What I recall , is a hot day , sunny . Undies back post , WHAMS a a late , what he thought was a winner , and that arse , which had yet to DEVELOP , is seen tearing away , and the mad grin is revealed for the first time .... HE thought it was the winner . Alas , it wasn't to be as , Iversen , I recall - COULD be wrong , like , equalises , as they get 2 late goals and our Spurs Nightmare would continued for another 15 years . POINT was though , he was IN .
1992/93 however , never quite saw Young David make the breathrough many had expected . The side struggled .Two steps forward ,.. kinda deal . They ALSO had Watson , Keown , Ablett , Jackson , Moore and Jenkins . Undies was to make 3 first team starts this season . The focus though , was on Beardsley , Johnston and Cottee , NOT a young Pie - Arse Defender .Howard Kendall would walk out prior to the end of the season , citing Dion Dublin as his reason , with The Angel Gabriel taking Temporary Charge - giving David his 3 games .
Mike Walker arrived in the Summer of 1993 , fresh from Norwich's Victory in the Olympic Stadion , Munchen , something HK never managed , btw . It never felt like , " A Fit " , to this Oracle , tbh . As ever .... Well , yous KNOW WTF happened ... Undies , however , prospered a tad , only a tad mind , more under The Grey Fox . Keown was West . He'd seen off both Jenkins and Moore . He had to wait for it , but by the end of what was to be one of , or indeed THE most traumatic Modern Day Seasons EVER at Goodison , he was the first choice Centre Half , as Walker turned to Youth - AFTER EVERYONE ELSE . Our last 3 results were ; 1-2 , 0-0 , 0-3 - Leeds .... Then , came Jones , Fashanu and Wimbledon's Crazy Gang , for a Final Day , as most thought ; Funeral Procession .
May 7 , 1994 , duly arrived . I was living on County Road , so was never away from the gaff' . The Park End being re-built , I purchased two tickets on the Tuesday ; Me and the Crackpot - THEN - he's MAD SANE now ....(See wtf , I did ....???,...) .., Brother-In-Law . If it was go'n be BAD , well , we HAD to be there to winess it . Just the way it is . Another Hot Day . White , New , Raplh Lauren Shirt . Boss Ironed . Dollars . Doobies , Stella ............Get Down To Goodison .....
20 mins ... 0-2 ... I had to PHYSICALLY GRAPPLE me Big Arse Bro' into his seat ... Honestly . Mufuka SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO owes me NOW like ... Undies , meanwhile had done Sound . Better than Sound. Fashanu hadn't had a kick , but via the strangest , Mind-Rush , Hand-Ball from Limpar , and Comedy , but REALLY Uber-Tragedy , Own Goal of the Century from Tablet ,..Nightmare about to unfold ,... Well , due to our defence being boss , with the exception of Holdworth's Street End miss which STILL AMAZES ME it never went in , they never really had another clear chance as the kid STEPPED ON UP . Via , Diamond Geezer and , " Who needs Cantona , when we've got Barry Horne .." we , genuinely , Gobsmackingly Mind-Blowingly win the game 3-2 and rescue our Top Flight Status , the 2nd longest ever , and second only behind, Up'a De Arse ... People cried on the pitch . Honestly . Me Fukn , None So Zealous As A Convert , Brother - In - Law , NOW wants to go from the Upstairs bit , where the Gwlady meets the Bullens an GO DOWN AN' GET ON THE PITCH !!! I was still outside , the Pacific at 11.15 pm . So were LOADS of others . Hundreds . Truly MEMORABLE Day in the St. Domingo Annals . Fact .
Miraculously , or not , remembering it was Agent Johnson , Walker somehow KEPT his job into the next season . Nigerian World Cup Goalscorer , Daniel Amokachi was THE Summer signing . However , nothing changed ON the pitch . Beardo was gone . So was Mojo . Amo aside , our forward line was Cottee , Paul Rideout and Barn-Door Barlow . Our opening results were ; 2-2 , 1-2 , 0-4 , 1-2 , 2-2 , 2-3 , 1-1 , 0-2 . That last defeat , by The Mancs , saw Walker finally recognise our Forward limitations . He thus moved to bring in the Rangers pair , Iain Durrant and Duncan Ferguson . The former , a qualiy , albeit Hun ,and injury jinxed ball-playing midfielder . The latter , known as Duncan Disorderly , Dunc The Drunk , and other Red-Top Sobriquets , was FAR TOO GOOD A PLAYER for a Loan Signing , but after a Head- Butting incident in a Glasgow Chippy and a high profile ON Field incident in the same City , Rangers were just looking to take him out of the Goldfish Bowl with a view to a Sabbatical and eventual return . However , a debut in a Penalties defeat in a League Cup game a Fratton Park , Portsmouth - the White Kit , saw no real change in ours or the Manager's fortunes . Our next results were; 0-2 , 0-2 , 0-1 , 1-1 ; Undies getting his first Home goal , and only his second ever , and a midweek victory over West Ham . It was not enough to save Walker , as Hamper Man acted quickly . The Ex-Canary was out , and erstwhile Oldham Boss and genuine Everton legend ; Joe Royle came in .
Big Joe's first game was , of course it was , The Home, Merseyside Derby . We hadn't beaten them since Beardsley . Hadn't looked like , in honesty . Yet , there we were , a little like , albeit without the near £60 spent , our Murderin' Scum Cousins this very week . Despite ALL evidence to the contrary , we were HOPEFUL . I was in the first year of sitting in the seat I occupy to this day . The game goes better than expected . Fergie looks a different player under Royle . Released , if you will . Unshackled . He terrified , Babb and Scales . Undies , meanwhile , having begun the Campaign under Walker as undisputed #1 Left Sided Centre Half , was merely told to carry on under Big Joe . That night , he had Fowler in his , admittedly , over-sized arse pocket . Thus , allowing us to literally , Bombard them . Hinchcliffe began his Rennaisance THAT VERY NIGHT . It would see him earn England recognition . We take a 2 goal lead , Rideout and a St. End header from the Big Man that will live LONG in the memory of anyone present to winess it . They grab a late goal , Fowler , naturlich , but no matter . We hold out for a 2-1 in what was a far more one-sided game .
The following week , we beat Chelsea , amazingly , at Stamford Bridge , as Rideout scores in a 1-0 . Big Joe was off and running and Big Dunc began to have FANS . Meanwhile , David Unsworth , our Young Centre half was now an accepted First Team , First Choice . Moreover , England Under 21's came calling , and he was to make 7 appearances for them in the next 2 years . Royle was in the process of formulating , the Dogs of War . Barry Horne , John Ebbrell , a FETED Evertonian Prodigy , FINALLY found a role alongside Walker bargain from Bournemouth , Joe Parkinson . The Triumverate would become Joe's , The Holy Trinity , if you will . NOWHERE NEAR the ability of ANY of the earlier vintage , but certainly successful beyond , at that stage , our wildest dreams . The week after Chelsea , Leeds were despatched at Chez Goodison , as Rideout , Fergie and indeed Undies - his first Everton penalty , 3-0 . 2 goalless draws followed , before yet ANOTHER Boxing Day let down , as Sheffield Wednesday came , and despite a first half lead , Big Man again , gave us a Football , and Attitude Lessson , as Whittingham , the lad Pompey bought out of the Army , got 2 , I think . Point was ; REALITY CHECK !!! For all of us .
Joe Royle did something about it though . Toughened us UP !!! In attiude and application . We were no longer anyone's Patsy's . The game after Sheff' Wed' , Ipswich , saw a reversal of the previous scoreline , a 4-1 win , with Duncan getting the prolific thing , with another . The week after , a loss at Wimbledon - Crystal Palace . After that , a 1-0 win , 1-1 , another victory 3-1 . This side , this team of perennial losers was beginning to learn how to WIN .
Big Joe definately felt so . I missed my last game for many years as I was in Cologne on a College Language thing . We demolished Norwich 5-0 . It was a catalyst . The players began to BELIEVE that their Manager had found a system that allowed these , for the most part , relegation fodder of the previous 2 seasons , TO COMPETE . They lapped it up . The week after .., we played Manchester United at home . Once more the Big Man turned UP . Indeed , he terrified them as he had the Merseyside RS . He scored the only goal as we beat them 1-0 . Fergie got the headlines , but Undies had quietly pocketed Andy Cole , and thus won the game for us as much as our goal . Cole was on fire , but the Fat Lad had confidence to burn at this stage . Pace too , believe it or not , and was basically , Mustard , and looking like Everton's Centre Half for the next decade .
In March , Duncan Ferguson ,now an Everton Player Proper , ( in relation to an On-field Head-Butting incident whilst playing for Glasgow Rangers , upon John McStay of Raith Rovers . The incident was missed by the Officials , and as such , he was not sent off . However , an Off - Duty Policeman reported the incident and The Big Man was arrested and charged with Public Affray . Thus , he was up before the Scottish Beak . Menzies Campbell - NOT that one ; announced it was .." An outrageous display of violence within a Public Arena " - DESPITE the fact that he was not dismissed ; though in fairness should have been . He was sentenced to 3 months in Barlinnie Prison , the first , and to date ONLY British Footballer to be jailed for an on-field incident . Cantona , for his Kung -Fu Kick into The Crowd , received a 3 month ban . Agenda anyone ???
Big Joe had a problem , however . We had just started to gain some legitimate momentum . We had beaten the Champions as well as the Vermin in the past 3 months , It had been years since that had happened . However , we had lost not just our best striker , but also our Totem . Our figurehead . Two games later , came The Barcodes , F.A. Cup 6th round at home . This sticks with me personally for various reasons . I'm with Brother-In-Law again . We're in the front row , Park End . left of Goal . I've got the lucky Wimbledon Shirt on . We are clearly visible on TV all game . Anyway , we score , Watto , Park End . 1-0 . Time is running down . Ball comes into crowd , by us . Soft Arse Bro' gets it . Referee , Keith Cooper , not a bad arl stick as it goes . gestures for him to throw it back . He goes to , but at the last second , stops . Points at Ref' , and goes , " Ahhhh . Got Ya' . " Much laughter . Ref' asks for it again . He goes to throw it again . But doesn't . ... " Ahhh . Got Ya' . " ... 3 fukn times !!! I was roaring laughing . ALL on Live TV , btw . But as he FINALLY gives the fukn ball back , Ken Dodd who have clocked the laughter , proceed to arrest him . I''m nearly taken as well , kicking off . J says , " Chill . It's laffin' . Konbhead charge . I'll be 10 mins... " There's 2 minutes left in the game . tension . Added time .... Mr. Legend Cooper , now , near the Park End , puts whistle to lips , Goes to Blow , Stops, points to Soft Arse's Seat , and goes , " Ahhh ...." I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE . Check the Vid' on You Tube . Vero , btw . I was PROPER Rockin' Laughin' . We hang on and are in our first F.A. Cup Semi-Final since Hillsborough year , as Undies and Watto , now forming a formidable partnership , nullify Ferdinand , Beardo and that Colombian Crackpot . That is what gets us through .
In the 3 games leading up to our Fergie-less Semi Final appearance , we had a win , a draw and a mind-numbingly dumb loss at home to Champions Elect , The Homosexual's , Blackburn Rovers . Thus , Elland Road , Leeds to face Media Darlings , Tottenham Hotspur . They of the , Famous 5 ; Dumitrescu , Kilnnsman , Sheringham , Judas Barmby and , I think Anderton . I coud be mistaken on the last one . Anyway , the game , in the Daily Mirror , was termed , The Dogs of War Versus the Famous 5 .... Our Sobriquet was to be the more everlasting . In what was our most complete performance in at least 5 years , we took it to them . Diamond Geezer - Graham Stuart was AWESOME , but Undies ...... Fat Boy Undies , btw ... Klinnsman had destroyed defences , ours included since touching down . Today , he didn't touch the ball. Least not until they got penalty , which he duly slotted , of course . He never touched it again afterwards . We ran riot . Literally . We had 3 sides of the ground , I kid you not . They seen their arse so much , some Pie Arse Cockney , bladdered , comes staggering into the Bin Man's area with about 10 minutes left , and proceeds to swing on the Crossbar to attempt to break it , thus getting the game abandoned . I bet THAT doesn't get a mention in the Champions Legaue Buffet Bar . I was sitting next to me Arl Tutor in Hugh Baird , about my age , as it goes , Top Man , Tom Reck . I then ended up , fuk knows how , last 15 minutes IN the Leeds' Directors Box , standing on a chair as Amo' nets the fourth and chaos breaks out .Theyre NOT coming back now ... Wem-ber-ley !!! I must say though , that Brother - In - Law is now in Custody . Thus, the shine is taken off it for me , but I joined in the Party Atmos' . Mufuka's Me Boy . Still is .
We win only two more games from 7 as we are to face Sir Alex' and Manchester United - albeit , Sans Cantona .. ( See WTF I did there <<<<<<< ...??? ) , at Wembley . The term ; Out-Matched , springs to mind . We were nearly killed by a Truck on a Roundabout in Milton Keynes - Don't Ask ...; but arrived in time an' all . Seen ALL the Old Faces , but in truth , few of us ACTUALLY BELIEVED ... Well , that just illustrtes how Dumb Arse a lack of True Faith REALLY IS ,.. Utterly second best in every single department , on paper , except one , we set about them like we had the last time . Limpar's pace was crucial . Big wide-open Wembley Acres ... Made for him . In one such attack , he breaks from our half . Runs on and on ...Squares it for Diamond , who shoots . Ball hits the Bar . Bruce looks like he's gonna get there , but Rideout makes a boss jump and nods ball into net In truth , I saw none of it . I'd gone for a burst and met Me Boy , Kenny McKenna and Mick Buckley , of This Parish , in the Toilet . Cue hugs an' stuff , then.......BIG ROAR .. We've scored ... Ah , fuk it .. So , how are you, lid..??? That kinda thing .
Undies plays their Forward Line , as does Legend Watto , as well as anyone all Season . They have chances , sure. It's The Mancs . Hughes and Scholes shoulda scored . the latter I watch sometimes , just to check his Ginger Kite as his mouth falls open , as a Man , old enough to be His Da' , is simply Supreme in goal . We hang on to lift perhaps our most surprising - to Blues ; Trophy in our History . I've said this before , but as the Side parade the Cup to our Hordes , L.C.A.B. can be clearly seen , standing atop the perimiter fence as the players go down the Tunnel . I got a Thumbs-Up from a Blue-Nose wearing Big Man .. Cantona .... OH , Cantona ... Did I give him shizlllle ..??? Hahaha. YES !!! And Ince , and Giggs and Taggart too !!! Marvellous day .
In the Summer , in preparation for Euro '96 , England is in involved in a Mini - tournament with Brazil and Japan . Brazil played at Goodison for the Final time . As the Three Lions meet the Japanese at Wembley , David Unsworth is chosen to represent his Country . He has the first half , with RS Scales geting the seconmd . Neither would play for their Country again . Still , he had done it . I hadn't .
We ourselves were soon back at the Twin Towers as Vinny Sideways , a Summer purchase scores our goal in a boring stalemate with Champions Blackburn .
Big Joe pulled off a coup , and upset Old Trafford Fergie when pouncing for the contractually unhappy , Flying Cossack , Andrei Kanchelskis . A protracted and angry Transfer saga - They , don't like it , Up 'Em , btw ...; was concluded with Andrei being pictured wearing a Blue Scarf , and holding an Umbrella - ...??? ; on the Goodison Turf . I bumped into him that day on Goodison Road . Nosdravya , Bollox ... or some such . Signed me Medical Card . Still got it somewhere . We had to wait for our first win until our third game . Big Man was injued again , and our forward line , The Russki aside , was STILL Amo and Rideout . Not exactly gonna frighten A.C. Milan , like . We are , of course , in Europe , beating Reykyavik in the first round of the Eufa Cup . We then had 2 home defeats against The Barcodes and Millwall - least said the better.... Three more draws , including Feyenoord in the next Euro round . Due to the ridiculous , 3 Foreigners rule , in which , we had Brett Angel at Centre Forward i the home game . Needless to say , we failed to score . Another draw and a defeat preceded the away leg . I didn't go ; College stuff . Reggie Blinker saw us off , 1-0 . We come back stronger , however . Undies and Watto star , as we beat Spurs , 1-0 , then it's off to Grey Skull ,..... OMFG !!! This day , ... THIS one , was the one where their , Ugly - Arse Gobs were hanging open going , FTW - ( Dyslexic Mufukas , too ),..??? The PACE ... Limpar was outsanding , as were Diamond Geezer and our back five . Though it was Andrei who put them to the sword . A Kop End header - yes , you did read that right , and another blistering shot that James got down to but couldn't stop - Fowler for them , saw us triumph , 2-1 as Evertonians in the ground and around the City , Par-Teh !!! The remainder of the season , in truth , was amazingly , impressive . , effort . Which , for this squad of scrappers , plus 2 wingers , was about , Par for the Course . However , our F.A. Cup exit was at Port Vale . Bogie , if you'll pardon the expression . Joe Royle called it , A Watershed ,.... Yeah . Whatever . Kanchelskis had also scored in the home Derby ; 1's each , and Undies had become , in this side , of 4 or 5 Penalty takers , our Spot Kick Supremo . Otherwise , we lost 2 and drew 2 out of our last 11 games and finished a more than respectable 6th . All systems GO , we thought ,........
One other thing . Around this time , Everton initiated the Players Lunches . Whereby Blues could go , through the week , Thurdsday usually , and meet the First Team Squad . You'd have scran , a bevvy , take the kids , and as your meal finishes , the Lads would arrive . Obviously , me bein' me I went on loads . I ALWAYS tok a Firm of kids though . They LOVED it . All of them , and all bar 1 are still going today . Not a bad strike rate like . The POINT was , I was talking to Fox last night , about this Sermon . When I mentioned its subject , he said , " Nicest Footballer I've evr met ... " And he's met a few , btw . Well , I wholeheartedly agree with him . Moreover , My Sister , a happily Married Woman had to peeled off him every time e went 'cause he was just AWESOME with the Fambo's . Btw , me Sister an' Me Arl Girl used to come to , btw , Pick us up ...Ahem .. and would just geg in on the last half an hour an' get a photie with the Big Man . I dunno where they get it from ...??? Anyway , Me Family were as impressed with Undies as I was . Always first in , Him and Duncan ALWAYS last to leave . Mensch , bw .
The BIG signing this Summer was Gary Speed arrived for £300,000 from Leeds . It was a definite coup as the kid was class , AND an Evertonian , to boot . Positive , definately . We begin at home , as usual , against the Barcodes in a relatively easy 2 nil win . On the Tuesday , me an' My Mate , Super-Col' , trekked to Old Trafford , where we witnessed the BEST Everton performance I HAVE SEEN THERE , and I've seen us win there a few times. The Big Man's 2 goals were amongst MY VERY FAVOURITE EVER Everton goals . Our defence , though under constant pressure look sound enough . We take a 2 nil lead as Duncan FUKN TERRIFIES them - AGAIN . I celebrate his second that much , me new Polo Glasses are DESTROYED . Ho-hum . Alas , Jordi Cruyff and Karel Poborsky score their only United League goals as they come back to equalise . No matter . We push on , have 2 more chances in normal time , and then in added time , their Keeper is on the deck , ball is squared to Speedo who , NEVER misses and he manges to hit Schmeichel right in the chest with the ball , and our chance is gone . However , we were Cup Holder's , we had an improved squad , and Peoples began to say , .." Hang on ,...." However , and UTTERLY St. Domingo , we proceed to go into the next 7 games with 3 draws and no wins . Then , our next 5 games ; 2-0 , 2-1 , 1-0 , 1-1 , and then 7-1 against Southampton - Speedo got his only Everton hat-trick . Also , Everton had broken their Transfer Record when paying Middlesborough , £5.65 M , for Nick , " Judas Escariot " Barmby . Adding yet more class to an already impressive Forward Line .The following week was the home Derby . 1's each , Speed again . BUT , we were progressing . This side , in 12 moths , have gone from almost certain relegation strugglers to Cup Winners and now legitimate Upper-Mid Table Challengers . In Speed , Ferguson , Kanchelskis and Limpar . we had as good an offensive unit as any , with pace , strength and bravery - in at least 2 of the four , in abundance . Undies , meanwhile was not up to his standard of a year earlier having been playing injured for most of the season to date . The injury undoubtably affected him . His pace for one , but also his confidence in making he tackles which , primarily had gotten him into the England Team .
Joe Royle began to get more frustrated as , in truth the Escaroit Effect , saw a de-stabled rather than complimented Everton side . The Russian had now , Mercenaried a move to Channel 4's , Serie A . From Boxing Day onwards , we had 9 defeats and 2 wins in fourteen games . Joe went to the Board for the money for 2 Norwegians whom were no better than decent . He was denied . He resigned on the spot . I saw him in the Street outside minutes after . There were about 4/5 reporters / Cameramen there . Someone knew something , like . It was a Tuesday afternoon. Not a Match - Day .
Thing was , he'd gone . Dave Watson - given he didn't have The Bin Man's mouth , was given the Caretaker Manager's role . The first game was at Vanilla . Lost 1-3 . Undies scores our goal . Two games later . our fist win . Spurs , 1-0 . Speedo . Then came Grey Skull . Watto Skipper . Wayne , Asbo Mufuka , Rooney was Mascot . Big Man scores a CRACKER from outside their box , Kop End , and runs to the half way line and does the Star - Jump . OMFG .. Me an' Super Col' are in their Paddock an' proceed to go off like 2 rockets on Guy Fawlkes . Safe to say our Crimson Cousins were NOT impressed .. " Get them out ...!!! " " Fuk off , konbhead ..Dun-Can .. Duncan Feguson ...!!! .." The week after , I went to West Ham . Met young Homer on the way back . Spent the journey with him . In the ground its a decent game . As I recall , could be wrong , but Duncan took the Arm-Band for the first time . I am in front row . Right of goal . I have on a white Fred Perry Trackie Top that can be seen from Space . John Moncur has been subbed injured and is limping aroung the track in front of us . He's taking abit of stick , so I joins in , roaring , as he approaches me . Musta been the coat , as he looks right at me and starts ripping me back , saying " ..In THAT fukn coat ..??? .. " We both has alaugh , and 'cause I'm front row , he gives me a high 5 as he walks past . Top laugh . Top lad , btw . We get 2 late goals , including a very late Duncan equaliser right in front of us . He runs along slapping hands with the lads on the ront row . Again , I get High 5'd . Boss day . We finish a worrying but all to familiar , 15th place . Undies makes 32 starts and 2 substitutions appearances , scoring 5 goals .
Howard Kendall was approached , and accepted the position of Numero Uno , for the third time . It never looked likely to work . I went to Bristol City in their Centenary game , a pre season . I noted our squad . Oster , O 'Kane , Farrelly , Phelan, .. It did NOT bode well . I was Oracula , even then . David Unsworth , having certainly not hit the heights of the Cup run of 1995 , was nevertheless , no worse than anyone else , but had , admittedly put on a pound or two . Thus , as HK wheeled and dealed - dealt ; he was sacrificed , as we were to have season only marginally better than Wimbledon 1994 , escaping , once more with a flukey last day result . Harry Redknapp of West Ham came in like a shot , for him , and Undies was Bolelyn bound . He waas a genuine succes there , and played all but one League game , at his favoured Centre Half and seemed rejuvenated . Alas , his Family could not settle Down South and he reluctantly asked to move .
Peter , Agent, Johnson , meanwhile , had approached ,- THEN ; Sky Sports Commentator , Germaine Greer Tweep , and Villain , erstwhile of this Parish , to be Everton Manager . Fortunately , he was unsuccessful . He went on to promise us , " A World Class Manager .." Then , he appointed , " Have you beeeeeen ,..??? " , Walter Smith , previously of the Glasgow Huns . He made 5 immediate signings . John Collins , from Monaco . Olivier Dacourt , and Marco Materazzi , both classy foreigners , Steve Simonsen , a highly rated but albeit unusual purchase from the Chairman's old club , Tramcar Rovers , and David unsworth . Now , Undies took stick for the rest of his career from Vanillains , when , after agreeing to join them , and playing one reserve game , stories began to leak of , Cold dinners in the bin , I recall . His wife wouldn't leave Merseyside , etc , etc .What had REALLY happened is , the day after he signed for Villa , he heard of Everton's interest . He thus, approached Villa Boss Gregory and , was basically , a man about it . Gregory , didn't say , He'd shoot him , like he did with Dwight Yorke , but not far off . He questioned Undies' Professionalism and Ambition , but ultimately saw the futility in retaining an unhappy player . Thus , David Unsworth got his dream move beack to his spiritual home . Goodison Park .L4 4 EL .
Our season began with a 0-0 home draw against Aston Villa . I was the shape of things to come . At home we broke he club record for draws . A midfield , the best since we won Trophies , just could not click . Undies had beenn drafted into a left full back , and sometime left sided midfielder ...!!! We won 2 of our first ten games , plus a win at Huddersfield in the League Cup . The wek after the last win , at Wimbledon , we go to Grey Skull . Nil's each . The next week , Meself an' Brother-in-Law , lid , are off to Hillsborough . We are in the uncovered bit . I have a Helly Hansen rain jacket thing . It's FREEZING and BOUNCING DOWN . At half time , the canteen gaff is selling black bin bags - punch holes for head , arms , tah-dah !!! Raincoat ...a pound each . As they were closing , it was a fiver . I kid you not . I got off , last 15 minutes as I was going into Cryo-Shock to sit in the car . The game ended nil's each . On Monday 23 November , I go to get The Golden Vision , Alex Young to sign some stuff in a , met-and-greet , upstairs in St. Luke's . The Great Man informed me that our Captain , our Icon , Duncan Ferguson , had been transferred to tonight's opponents earlier that day . It was Alex Young . He wasn't gonna lie . He hadn't . Micheal Ball scored a penalty in the Park End goal as we win 1-0 . The news breaks pre and - during the game . Big Man is in a box with his new employers . Like Bally he had been sold against his wishes . Like Bally , he cried .
We , however , attempted to rally . I purposely went to Charlton - I wasn't gonna , tbh ; our next game ,- Cadamarteri scored a winner ; 2 from 2 ; just to give the V's to the RS in work whom had decorated me workspace with pictures of Big Man in Black and White , poems , shabite ones , but poems , etc , etc .Tarbucks . Every fukn one of them , btw . We lost our next 3 League away games . Then we went to Bristol City in the F .A. Cup 3rd round . The Car Park afterwards was like in 1978 when I went there . It went off . on the pitch , Bakayoko - or , Back o' the Echo - our local Paper , scores two in the rain , and , Hope Springs Eternal ,... In reality of course , it never . We had our moments like . A 5-0 coating of Boro at Goodison sticks out . Both Dacourt and Materazzi scored . Nevertheless , we meander towards Grey Skull , toothless in attack . The week leading up , Smith makes a double loan deal . Scott Gemmill , a Scots International and Son of a Good Player , from Forest . Also , another Ex- Forest Lad , Kevin Campbell . In the game , Dacourt scores after 2 minutes. I'm in theMain Stand . My dear friend , and Life-Long Head-The-Ball , decides to invade the pitch to celebrate with Olly . He got to the Kop End half . If I hadn't identified meself when celebrating , I did when standing on me chair , Roaring him on , and laughin' . A lot . They come back of course . Fowler snorts the line as Materazzi clangs the Deep End post with a free kick and Franny gets his only Anfield goal . Sheff' Wed' came and beat us at home , the week after , but thereafter , we win 4 from 6 , including a 6-0 hiding of the Hammers , as Campbell gets 9 goals - the best ever by any loan player , and removes the very real spectre of relegation . We end up 14th , largely due to our late rally . Undies plays 33 games , with another appearance as Sub' .
1999 / 2000 was where it all started to go downhill , for me . Dacourt and Materazzi had departed , as it became apparent that Undies had Bankrupt Everton FC . It turned out that of al of Smith's first 5 buys , 3 were Foreign Club recipients , another was Tranmere Rovers . Undies , however , coming from an English Club , required £3M ACTUAL , REAL DOLLARS . We had nothing like as much . Thus , as the time came to also pay for Collins , Dacourt and Marco , 2 at least , had to go . So , go they did . We swapped them for , Stephen Hughes , Pembers .. Joe-Max. Not offence to any of them , but it was a backward step for our Roster . Alex Cleland , and that RS TAWT , Xavier ... One thing , Sorry , Comerada Mia .. Richard Gough arrived from Holidays in America . For a 37 year old Hun who hadn't kicked a ball for 12 months , he was mustard .
We began to do the Everton hing , and contrary sumbeyatches that we are , turn into , The Entertainers . Hutch is on fire , but goals are all over the side . Campbell , Jeffers , Barmby and Undies are now , designated Penalty taker . We score 4 or more goals twice before , at the end of September , it is back to The Uglies . Monday night . I'm in the Road End , but their side . Me RS Cousin is in the front row . I'm directly behind him . We press early , Deep End . Jeffers slips in Campbell , mantaining that whole , Partnership thing . Kevin , controls it and slips it past Westerveld . 1-0 . I go Aggggggggggggghhhhhhh !!! An' I'm over our Timmy's back ,.. Happy days . We hang on in the maddest RS Derby ever , as first Franny misses asitter , then has Handbags , with their Goalie and they are dismissed . Then , a Baby - NO ... Don't go there ; Me La assaults , first The Don , and then Super Kev' - as he'd now been Christened . He HAD to go . He did . We hung on to gain our last , as I write this evening , victory at the Bealzebubs to date . It was gonna get A LOT worse before it got better over there . Indeed , we remain waiting ..And Praying ... A LOT ,..... Up until Boxing Day , we had a 1-4 defeat , a 0-5 loss , a 4-4 with Leeds , and a 5-0 hammering of Reidy's Sunderland with Hutchison , Supreme . We draw David Moyes' , Preston North End in the F.A. Cup 4th Round . They turn up . Big time . They look dangerous and score . Their many legions go , OFF . Weare fretting . Step forward Undies , lid . Free kick . Just outside St. End goal . Left side as I look . Postage stamp delivery sees Gwlady go Nuts . Joe-Max seals it for us , but Moyes had left an indelible impression . In what was in truth , a teste of things to come , we are embarrassed by Vanilla at home in the next Round , Merson and our perennial Persecutor , Carbone ,... as our season peters out to nothing . David Unsworth played 32 games , another as Sub' , and netted six times . We finish 13th .
AsI said , the Negativity Vibe thing , became ever-more powerful . Let's just say that our second win came on October 17th against the Barcodes . Undies had begun to take stick from our own fans as a kinda dual-culpa thing . He was firstly , NOT Micheal Ball , Prodigy Du Jour , and also was the onfield manifestation of Smith as , no matter what had preceeded it , our side CONTINUED to give it to Undies to play , The Long Diagonal Ball . It was NOT Smith who took the stick though . 3 consecutive wins in November served to lighten the mood . They were followed by , 0-2 , 0-5 , 1-1 , 0-1 , 1-2 , 0-1 , the last one at Derby on New Year's Day . Our midfiels now contained Nyarko , whom , after a Pre-Season Mash-Up of preston , never really turned up again , and Paul , Ungrateful Fat [Poor language removed] , Gascoigne . Again . Not all that , by then . The Nadir of the Season , and my WORST DAY at Goodison park , occurred in the F.A. cup 4th Round with the visit of Aldridge's Tranmere Rovers . There was no Merseyside Love-In , and they brought fans , attitude and some fukn players . We had the first , but not the last 2 . They mullahd us 3-0 and should have more . I wanted to cry . I think I did . I've done a lot of green since then , and can't actually recall , tbh . The SECOND worst night came with the home Derby and Gary Fukn MacAllister . The game is 2-2 , Undies Penalty and Big Man for us . They get a free kick , last 2 minutes , somewhere near Norris Geen . Nevertheless , this Cocky Mufuka sees our Utterly Dumb-Arse Guillable Keeper , Gerrard creeping off his line . Baldy Hun shoots , using the skidding turf . Goal . They go mental . We start kicking off on Walton road . The season can't end quick enough , as Smith and Archie's Baseball Bat are slipping DOWN the Goodison Hit-Parade . We finish 16th , 2 places above relegation , but in truth , points clear . That wasn't the point , with respect . Undies made 17 starts , 12 Sub' appearances and scored 5 goals .
Nevertheless , Broadway Bill has a , Me an' Walt's is TIGHT , thing afoot . He stays . Move on . Well , no actualy ,... Anyway , we attempted , to stumble on ,.. The season brought no surprises , but September said it all ; 1-4 , 1-1 , 1-3 , 0-1 , 5-0 ,... We weren't good enough . End of . 2 more wins until December 15 . Then , 2-3 , 0-1 , 0-2 ,. We stagger on . Beat Orient at home in he Cup and celebrate like its Man United , in truth . We go to Middlesborough in March for a 5th Round Cup tie . We , literally did . We were humiliated 3-0 live on BBC , as Boro looked like Barcelona . Enough was enough . Even Kenwright couldn't ignore this one . If Port Vale was a Watershed ,... Smith was dismissed that evening , and David Moyes , the preston Manager , with the approval of his Club , was in Bill Broadway Bungalow by Midnight . He'd agreed to be our new Manager in 10 minutes .
Our first game , Moyes Regina , as it were . Fulham , louis , The King , Saha , et al , were our opponents . The reception received by the new , Ginger Coiffuered Leader was beyond impressive . Undies was selected in his first 11 . From the kick off we press . We push on . Ball breaks from the area to edge of same to one , David , I'm on A-Plan , Unsworth , who rifles it into far corner . 1-0 . 33 seconds . The roof nearly comes off . A perfect start on all counts . We re,main in touble but the mood is tangibly lifted . we go to Derby and win 4-3 the week after .e also suffer defeats but have achieved safety well before the last week . We finish 15th , seven points above the last relegated team . David Unsworth makes 28 starts with another 5 as Substiue , scoring 3 goals .
Optimism was the Order of the Day as 2003/04 began . Moyes swooped for a Goalkeeper . Quelle Surprise . Richard Wright of Arsenal's Reserves . Li Tie and Lei Weifong became the Premier League's first Chinese Footballers . Alan Stubbs was recruited from Glasgow Celtic , good blue that he is . It all began relatively quietly . A win , 2 draws and two losses , with Undies getting 2 Penalties . Win , loss , win . Then , we went to Wrexham in the League Cup in October , which saw the first team debut of one , Wayne Rooney . I've told here before of how the kid , Tore It Up . The players , our own players were standing with their mouths open . Moyes had the Golden Touch , it seemed . Blue spirits rose exponentially as a result . Aside from a United defeat on the Saturday , we never lost another game until December 1 . A bad December and January set us back though , as we went until Mid-March before suffering 2 more losses . This was more than one step forward , two steps back . It was progress . plain and simple . We suffered only 3 more defeas all Campaign . We finish an excellent 7th , as Undies plays 32 games from the start , 1 as Sub' , and nets 5 times .
The Summer of 2003 was the best for Evertonian Morale in a Decade . Even incuding the Cup Win . We had a young Manager and the best young player in Christendom . It was All Day . Thomas Grevesen was recruited , as was Kevin Kilbane , Nigel Martyn , from Leeds on a free - the Wright experiment had not been successful . Nyarko , utterly amazingly was also re-recruited . I'm not going to concentrate tooo much on this Campaign , This Season of disappointment . It began mediocre and went downhill from there . Too many draws , and when we weren't drawing , we were losing . 0-3 at home to The Vermin , for example . A corker of a game against United at home , 2-3 said it all . Fine an' all , but ultimately unsuccessful . King Louie and Fulham knock us out the F.A. Cup and while we are near the foot of the table we were never going down . Still , it was a Reality Wake-Up Call , for all of us .Players , Manager , Directors and Fans . We ended up 17th , 6 points clear of the drop , but all he sides below were worse than us , as Undies played 22 games from the beginning , 4 as Substitue bagging 3 goals . They would be his last in Everton Blue , as Moyes refused his , legitimate request for a 2 year contract , so Undies left . Football in the Modern Age .
He joined Portsmouth in August 2004 . He scored on debut , but made only 16 appearances , and spent the second half of the Season on loan at Ipswich - 16 games 1 goal . In Summer 2005 , he joined Neil Warnock at Sheffield United , playing alongside Jags . He stayed 2 years , making 39 appearances and scoring 4 goals . From there he went on to Wigan Athletic . I remember going to Chelsea , last game of the season . 2 weeks after Bally's Funeral . Drew 1-1 . Shoulda won . Anyway , I'm on The King's Road . Sees 2 Wigan Fans . Says , how did yous get on ??? We stayed up !!! Undies scored a Penalty !!! Yay !!! I jumped around with them for a minute , so buzzing was I for my Pie Arse Mate .From Wigan he went the short distance to Burnley and finally Huddersfield .Looking to move into Coaching / Management , he was recuited to Preston Noth End's backroom staf under Darren Ferguson . Indeed , with the taggart The Younger getting Binned , Undies was appinted Care-Taker Manager in a very Moyes-esque Tragi/Comedy thing . alas , he was not the repat Ginger's fortune at deepdale . least not yet . He finished his Professional Career with 449 games and 45 goals , 188 , and 23 respectively , for Everton FC .
While he played for us , Undies used to know I sat where I sat . This was because I proper rated him . Not so much ability wise but his , Fuk You , I'm Everton . End Of , attitude . Thus , when others berated him . I backed him . Loudly . Its how I roll . A few times I've had a point or a thums up off the lid with the game going on . Every time he wore a Blue Jersey he treat it like the First . And Last . He was not the most gifted . Not by along chalk . But he was one of the most grateful and certainly among the most committed . Moreover , I have seen him at both a home and an away Derby whilst playing for other clubs . Mensch , btw .
I chose Undies today , for two reasons ; I need to share some love around , and also with him being the perfect personification of our current predicament . Not great , but absolutely committed beyond question and in it for the duration . up or down . Win , lose or draw. We are about , to use a Nautical reference , Sail Into Choppy Waters , off the pitch . Perhaps on , too . Thus , we , as a Peoples , need to take some of David Unsworth's Sheer Fukn Love of all ALL THINGS St. Domingo and be what this Club is REALLY ALL ABOUT .
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Congregation ,....
I give you Undies ; Not the Most Svelte , defo didn't do Stripes well , but irrefutably , A Toffee . First Team Evertonian .
Amen .
May the Good Lord be with you all .
Remember , Jesus Loves You , 'cause you're a Blue .
Look after Your Peoples .
Peace out .
Written in Britain .
What's Our Name ,..??
The ( Catholic ) Reverand L.C.A.B.
" ...., I know , My Peoples Hearin' Me ..... Hollah , if y'all need me .... Word .... "
STAY SAFE , peoples . THAT is a Goddamn' ORDER !!!
For , My Mother , My World , L.C.A.Barb , Me Auntie Do' , L.C.A.Babe , and Me Fambo .
Also , for My Mate , Colin Grimes . We DID the Undies Years , lid . I OWE you Dawg ...
An' , All My Peoples in The Struggle .... It's , Ya' Boi ; D' ,....
May The Good Lord be with you all .
Welcome , all , to our little corner of the Sabbath .
In beginning what is , I apologise for my recent Stress Related tardiness , My Congregation , only the Second Sermon of the New Year , I have decided , in the second half of the Campaign , to cast a little Spotlight into the more nether regions of the St. Domingo , Hall Of Fame . Figures of a less than prominent , immediate , position in the minds of Evertonians , but ones whom , nevertheless resonate on our own Richter Scale for a myriad of reasons . One such is the subject of today's lesson .
Furthermore , it has been interesting , that in composing today's piece , I have necessarily re-lived certain catastrophic moments in our recent past , whilst the Team and The Club , I love , continues to regress in 2011 . Let's be honest , at any other time this season , this Sermon may have been fine and all , the but the WIDER message may have been missed .Timothy Joel Faliqa Cahill Sermon , in reverse . I doubt that will be the case this time , however .
The focus of today is what , I suppose , would be termed a Work -A - Day Footballer . Nothing Special .... THEN , you get to quantifying Evertonian-ness , and ... TAH - DAH ...!!! He's up with the REAL Legends . During his time at L4 , 4EL , he was a Youth Team Manchester United Fan , who went through the Everton System . He broke into the first team , and became somewhat of a Prodigy . Was often our best player in a time when Relegation was a constant spectre , moreover , played LESS than 50 games in the position that saw him rise to prominence and played in the Wimbledon Game , and missed the Coventry Game , because ... Well , that's for later . THE POINT , is that , ABOVE ALL THINGS , circumstances , opposition , personal form , and , toe-curlingly embarrassingly , abuse from his own fans , this lad , undoubtably GOT IT !!!
Ladies and Gentlemen , I have the great pleasure in introducing , David Unsworth .
Undies , as he will be forever known , at least to THIS Internet Phenomenon , was born on October 16 , in Chorley , Lancashire . He was , like another Large Framed individual from the Preston Area with a penchant for Snacks , Flintoff ; a Big Lad from a Youth , but nevertheless had a Left Peg on him and duly passed through each level of the system . He was recruited to Everton's Academy whilst a Scholar and was duly signed to a Professional Contract in 1990 . His debut came in the final away game of the following year , a 3-3 draw at Tottenham . What I recall , is a hot day , sunny . Undies back post , WHAMS a a late , what he thought was a winner , and that arse , which had yet to DEVELOP , is seen tearing away , and the mad grin is revealed for the first time .... HE thought it was the winner . Alas , it wasn't to be as , Iversen , I recall - COULD be wrong , like , equalises , as they get 2 late goals and our Spurs Nightmare would continued for another 15 years . POINT was though , he was IN .
1992/93 however , never quite saw Young David make the breathrough many had expected . The side struggled .Two steps forward ,.. kinda deal . They ALSO had Watson , Keown , Ablett , Jackson , Moore and Jenkins . Undies was to make 3 first team starts this season . The focus though , was on Beardsley , Johnston and Cottee , NOT a young Pie - Arse Defender .Howard Kendall would walk out prior to the end of the season , citing Dion Dublin as his reason , with The Angel Gabriel taking Temporary Charge - giving David his 3 games .
Mike Walker arrived in the Summer of 1993 , fresh from Norwich's Victory in the Olympic Stadion , Munchen , something HK never managed , btw . It never felt like , " A Fit " , to this Oracle , tbh . As ever .... Well , yous KNOW WTF happened ... Undies , however , prospered a tad , only a tad mind , more under The Grey Fox . Keown was West . He'd seen off both Jenkins and Moore . He had to wait for it , but by the end of what was to be one of , or indeed THE most traumatic Modern Day Seasons EVER at Goodison , he was the first choice Centre Half , as Walker turned to Youth - AFTER EVERYONE ELSE . Our last 3 results were ; 1-2 , 0-0 , 0-3 - Leeds .... Then , came Jones , Fashanu and Wimbledon's Crazy Gang , for a Final Day , as most thought ; Funeral Procession .
May 7 , 1994 , duly arrived . I was living on County Road , so was never away from the gaff' . The Park End being re-built , I purchased two tickets on the Tuesday ; Me and the Crackpot - THEN - he's MAD SANE now ....(See wtf , I did ....???,...) .., Brother-In-Law . If it was go'n be BAD , well , we HAD to be there to winess it . Just the way it is . Another Hot Day . White , New , Raplh Lauren Shirt . Boss Ironed . Dollars . Doobies , Stella ............Get Down To Goodison .....
20 mins ... 0-2 ... I had to PHYSICALLY GRAPPLE me Big Arse Bro' into his seat ... Honestly . Mufuka SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO owes me NOW like ... Undies , meanwhile had done Sound . Better than Sound. Fashanu hadn't had a kick , but via the strangest , Mind-Rush , Hand-Ball from Limpar , and Comedy , but REALLY Uber-Tragedy , Own Goal of the Century from Tablet ,..Nightmare about to unfold ,... Well , due to our defence being boss , with the exception of Holdworth's Street End miss which STILL AMAZES ME it never went in , they never really had another clear chance as the kid STEPPED ON UP . Via , Diamond Geezer and , " Who needs Cantona , when we've got Barry Horne .." we , genuinely , Gobsmackingly Mind-Blowingly win the game 3-2 and rescue our Top Flight Status , the 2nd longest ever , and second only behind, Up'a De Arse ... People cried on the pitch . Honestly . Me Fukn , None So Zealous As A Convert , Brother - In - Law , NOW wants to go from the Upstairs bit , where the Gwlady meets the Bullens an GO DOWN AN' GET ON THE PITCH !!! I was still outside , the Pacific at 11.15 pm . So were LOADS of others . Hundreds . Truly MEMORABLE Day in the St. Domingo Annals . Fact .
Miraculously , or not , remembering it was Agent Johnson , Walker somehow KEPT his job into the next season . Nigerian World Cup Goalscorer , Daniel Amokachi was THE Summer signing . However , nothing changed ON the pitch . Beardo was gone . So was Mojo . Amo aside , our forward line was Cottee , Paul Rideout and Barn-Door Barlow . Our opening results were ; 2-2 , 1-2 , 0-4 , 1-2 , 2-2 , 2-3 , 1-1 , 0-2 . That last defeat , by The Mancs , saw Walker finally recognise our Forward limitations . He thus moved to bring in the Rangers pair , Iain Durrant and Duncan Ferguson . The former , a qualiy , albeit Hun ,and injury jinxed ball-playing midfielder . The latter , known as Duncan Disorderly , Dunc The Drunk , and other Red-Top Sobriquets , was FAR TOO GOOD A PLAYER for a Loan Signing , but after a Head- Butting incident in a Glasgow Chippy and a high profile ON Field incident in the same City , Rangers were just looking to take him out of the Goldfish Bowl with a view to a Sabbatical and eventual return . However , a debut in a Penalties defeat in a League Cup game a Fratton Park , Portsmouth - the White Kit , saw no real change in ours or the Manager's fortunes . Our next results were; 0-2 , 0-2 , 0-1 , 1-1 ; Undies getting his first Home goal , and only his second ever , and a midweek victory over West Ham . It was not enough to save Walker , as Hamper Man acted quickly . The Ex-Canary was out , and erstwhile Oldham Boss and genuine Everton legend ; Joe Royle came in .
Big Joe's first game was , of course it was , The Home, Merseyside Derby . We hadn't beaten them since Beardsley . Hadn't looked like , in honesty . Yet , there we were , a little like , albeit without the near £60 spent , our Murderin' Scum Cousins this very week . Despite ALL evidence to the contrary , we were HOPEFUL . I was in the first year of sitting in the seat I occupy to this day . The game goes better than expected . Fergie looks a different player under Royle . Released , if you will . Unshackled . He terrified , Babb and Scales . Undies , meanwhile , having begun the Campaign under Walker as undisputed #1 Left Sided Centre Half , was merely told to carry on under Big Joe . That night , he had Fowler in his , admittedly , over-sized arse pocket . Thus , allowing us to literally , Bombard them . Hinchcliffe began his Rennaisance THAT VERY NIGHT . It would see him earn England recognition . We take a 2 goal lead , Rideout and a St. End header from the Big Man that will live LONG in the memory of anyone present to winess it . They grab a late goal , Fowler , naturlich , but no matter . We hold out for a 2-1 in what was a far more one-sided game .
The following week , we beat Chelsea , amazingly , at Stamford Bridge , as Rideout scores in a 1-0 . Big Joe was off and running and Big Dunc began to have FANS . Meanwhile , David Unsworth , our Young Centre half was now an accepted First Team , First Choice . Moreover , England Under 21's came calling , and he was to make 7 appearances for them in the next 2 years . Royle was in the process of formulating , the Dogs of War . Barry Horne , John Ebbrell , a FETED Evertonian Prodigy , FINALLY found a role alongside Walker bargain from Bournemouth , Joe Parkinson . The Triumverate would become Joe's , The Holy Trinity , if you will . NOWHERE NEAR the ability of ANY of the earlier vintage , but certainly successful beyond , at that stage , our wildest dreams . The week after Chelsea , Leeds were despatched at Chez Goodison , as Rideout , Fergie and indeed Undies - his first Everton penalty , 3-0 . 2 goalless draws followed , before yet ANOTHER Boxing Day let down , as Sheffield Wednesday came , and despite a first half lead , Big Man again , gave us a Football , and Attitude Lessson , as Whittingham , the lad Pompey bought out of the Army , got 2 , I think . Point was ; REALITY CHECK !!! For all of us .
Joe Royle did something about it though . Toughened us UP !!! In attiude and application . We were no longer anyone's Patsy's . The game after Sheff' Wed' , Ipswich , saw a reversal of the previous scoreline , a 4-1 win , with Duncan getting the prolific thing , with another . The week after , a loss at Wimbledon - Crystal Palace . After that , a 1-0 win , 1-1 , another victory 3-1 . This side , this team of perennial losers was beginning to learn how to WIN .
Big Joe definately felt so . I missed my last game for many years as I was in Cologne on a College Language thing . We demolished Norwich 5-0 . It was a catalyst . The players began to BELIEVE that their Manager had found a system that allowed these , for the most part , relegation fodder of the previous 2 seasons , TO COMPETE . They lapped it up . The week after .., we played Manchester United at home . Once more the Big Man turned UP . Indeed , he terrified them as he had the Merseyside RS . He scored the only goal as we beat them 1-0 . Fergie got the headlines , but Undies had quietly pocketed Andy Cole , and thus won the game for us as much as our goal . Cole was on fire , but the Fat Lad had confidence to burn at this stage . Pace too , believe it or not , and was basically , Mustard , and looking like Everton's Centre Half for the next decade .
In March , Duncan Ferguson ,now an Everton Player Proper , ( in relation to an On-field Head-Butting incident whilst playing for Glasgow Rangers , upon John McStay of Raith Rovers . The incident was missed by the Officials , and as such , he was not sent off . However , an Off - Duty Policeman reported the incident and The Big Man was arrested and charged with Public Affray . Thus , he was up before the Scottish Beak . Menzies Campbell - NOT that one ; announced it was .." An outrageous display of violence within a Public Arena " - DESPITE the fact that he was not dismissed ; though in fairness should have been . He was sentenced to 3 months in Barlinnie Prison , the first , and to date ONLY British Footballer to be jailed for an on-field incident . Cantona , for his Kung -Fu Kick into The Crowd , received a 3 month ban . Agenda anyone ???
Big Joe had a problem , however . We had just started to gain some legitimate momentum . We had beaten the Champions as well as the Vermin in the past 3 months , It had been years since that had happened . However , we had lost not just our best striker , but also our Totem . Our figurehead . Two games later , came The Barcodes , F.A. Cup 6th round at home . This sticks with me personally for various reasons . I'm with Brother-In-Law again . We're in the front row , Park End . left of Goal . I've got the lucky Wimbledon Shirt on . We are clearly visible on TV all game . Anyway , we score , Watto , Park End . 1-0 . Time is running down . Ball comes into crowd , by us . Soft Arse Bro' gets it . Referee , Keith Cooper , not a bad arl stick as it goes . gestures for him to throw it back . He goes to , but at the last second , stops . Points at Ref' , and goes , " Ahhhh . Got Ya' . " Much laughter . Ref' asks for it again . He goes to throw it again . But doesn't . ... " Ahhh . Got Ya' . " ... 3 fukn times !!! I was roaring laughing . ALL on Live TV , btw . But as he FINALLY gives the fukn ball back , Ken Dodd who have clocked the laughter , proceed to arrest him . I''m nearly taken as well , kicking off . J says , " Chill . It's laffin' . Konbhead charge . I'll be 10 mins... " There's 2 minutes left in the game . tension . Added time .... Mr. Legend Cooper , now , near the Park End , puts whistle to lips , Goes to Blow , Stops, points to Soft Arse's Seat , and goes , " Ahhh ...." I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE . Check the Vid' on You Tube . Vero , btw . I was PROPER Rockin' Laughin' . We hang on and are in our first F.A. Cup Semi-Final since Hillsborough year , as Undies and Watto , now forming a formidable partnership , nullify Ferdinand , Beardo and that Colombian Crackpot . That is what gets us through .
In the 3 games leading up to our Fergie-less Semi Final appearance , we had a win , a draw and a mind-numbingly dumb loss at home to Champions Elect , The Homosexual's , Blackburn Rovers . Thus , Elland Road , Leeds to face Media Darlings , Tottenham Hotspur . They of the , Famous 5 ; Dumitrescu , Kilnnsman , Sheringham , Judas Barmby and , I think Anderton . I coud be mistaken on the last one . Anyway , the game , in the Daily Mirror , was termed , The Dogs of War Versus the Famous 5 .... Our Sobriquet was to be the more everlasting . In what was our most complete performance in at least 5 years , we took it to them . Diamond Geezer - Graham Stuart was AWESOME , but Undies ...... Fat Boy Undies , btw ... Klinnsman had destroyed defences , ours included since touching down . Today , he didn't touch the ball. Least not until they got penalty , which he duly slotted , of course . He never touched it again afterwards . We ran riot . Literally . We had 3 sides of the ground , I kid you not . They seen their arse so much , some Pie Arse Cockney , bladdered , comes staggering into the Bin Man's area with about 10 minutes left , and proceeds to swing on the Crossbar to attempt to break it , thus getting the game abandoned . I bet THAT doesn't get a mention in the Champions Legaue Buffet Bar . I was sitting next to me Arl Tutor in Hugh Baird , about my age , as it goes , Top Man , Tom Reck . I then ended up , fuk knows how , last 15 minutes IN the Leeds' Directors Box , standing on a chair as Amo' nets the fourth and chaos breaks out .Theyre NOT coming back now ... Wem-ber-ley !!! I must say though , that Brother - In - Law is now in Custody . Thus, the shine is taken off it for me , but I joined in the Party Atmos' . Mufuka's Me Boy . Still is .
We win only two more games from 7 as we are to face Sir Alex' and Manchester United - albeit , Sans Cantona .. ( See WTF I did there <<<<<<< ...??? ) , at Wembley . The term ; Out-Matched , springs to mind . We were nearly killed by a Truck on a Roundabout in Milton Keynes - Don't Ask ...; but arrived in time an' all . Seen ALL the Old Faces , but in truth , few of us ACTUALLY BELIEVED ... Well , that just illustrtes how Dumb Arse a lack of True Faith REALLY IS ,.. Utterly second best in every single department , on paper , except one , we set about them like we had the last time . Limpar's pace was crucial . Big wide-open Wembley Acres ... Made for him . In one such attack , he breaks from our half . Runs on and on ...Squares it for Diamond , who shoots . Ball hits the Bar . Bruce looks like he's gonna get there , but Rideout makes a boss jump and nods ball into net In truth , I saw none of it . I'd gone for a burst and met Me Boy , Kenny McKenna and Mick Buckley , of This Parish , in the Toilet . Cue hugs an' stuff , then.......BIG ROAR .. We've scored ... Ah , fuk it .. So , how are you, lid..??? That kinda thing .
Undies plays their Forward Line , as does Legend Watto , as well as anyone all Season . They have chances , sure. It's The Mancs . Hughes and Scholes shoulda scored . the latter I watch sometimes , just to check his Ginger Kite as his mouth falls open , as a Man , old enough to be His Da' , is simply Supreme in goal . We hang on to lift perhaps our most surprising - to Blues ; Trophy in our History . I've said this before , but as the Side parade the Cup to our Hordes , L.C.A.B. can be clearly seen , standing atop the perimiter fence as the players go down the Tunnel . I got a Thumbs-Up from a Blue-Nose wearing Big Man .. Cantona .... OH , Cantona ... Did I give him shizlllle ..??? Hahaha. YES !!! And Ince , and Giggs and Taggart too !!! Marvellous day .
In the Summer , in preparation for Euro '96 , England is in involved in a Mini - tournament with Brazil and Japan . Brazil played at Goodison for the Final time . As the Three Lions meet the Japanese at Wembley , David Unsworth is chosen to represent his Country . He has the first half , with RS Scales geting the seconmd . Neither would play for their Country again . Still , he had done it . I hadn't .
We ourselves were soon back at the Twin Towers as Vinny Sideways , a Summer purchase scores our goal in a boring stalemate with Champions Blackburn .
Big Joe pulled off a coup , and upset Old Trafford Fergie when pouncing for the contractually unhappy , Flying Cossack , Andrei Kanchelskis . A protracted and angry Transfer saga - They , don't like it , Up 'Em , btw ...; was concluded with Andrei being pictured wearing a Blue Scarf , and holding an Umbrella - ...??? ; on the Goodison Turf . I bumped into him that day on Goodison Road . Nosdravya , Bollox ... or some such . Signed me Medical Card . Still got it somewhere . We had to wait for our first win until our third game . Big Man was injued again , and our forward line , The Russki aside , was STILL Amo and Rideout . Not exactly gonna frighten A.C. Milan , like . We are , of course , in Europe , beating Reykyavik in the first round of the Eufa Cup . We then had 2 home defeats against The Barcodes and Millwall - least said the better.... Three more draws , including Feyenoord in the next Euro round . Due to the ridiculous , 3 Foreigners rule , in which , we had Brett Angel at Centre Forward i the home game . Needless to say , we failed to score . Another draw and a defeat preceded the away leg . I didn't go ; College stuff . Reggie Blinker saw us off , 1-0 . We come back stronger , however . Undies and Watto star , as we beat Spurs , 1-0 , then it's off to Grey Skull ,..... OMFG !!! This day , ... THIS one , was the one where their , Ugly - Arse Gobs were hanging open going , FTW - ( Dyslexic Mufukas , too ),..??? The PACE ... Limpar was outsanding , as were Diamond Geezer and our back five . Though it was Andrei who put them to the sword . A Kop End header - yes , you did read that right , and another blistering shot that James got down to but couldn't stop - Fowler for them , saw us triumph , 2-1 as Evertonians in the ground and around the City , Par-Teh !!! The remainder of the season , in truth , was amazingly , impressive . , effort . Which , for this squad of scrappers , plus 2 wingers , was about , Par for the Course . However , our F.A. Cup exit was at Port Vale . Bogie , if you'll pardon the expression . Joe Royle called it , A Watershed ,.... Yeah . Whatever . Kanchelskis had also scored in the home Derby ; 1's each , and Undies had become , in this side , of 4 or 5 Penalty takers , our Spot Kick Supremo . Otherwise , we lost 2 and drew 2 out of our last 11 games and finished a more than respectable 6th . All systems GO , we thought ,........
One other thing . Around this time , Everton initiated the Players Lunches . Whereby Blues could go , through the week , Thurdsday usually , and meet the First Team Squad . You'd have scran , a bevvy , take the kids , and as your meal finishes , the Lads would arrive . Obviously , me bein' me I went on loads . I ALWAYS tok a Firm of kids though . They LOVED it . All of them , and all bar 1 are still going today . Not a bad strike rate like . The POINT was , I was talking to Fox last night , about this Sermon . When I mentioned its subject , he said , " Nicest Footballer I've evr met ... " And he's met a few , btw . Well , I wholeheartedly agree with him . Moreover , My Sister , a happily Married Woman had to peeled off him every time e went 'cause he was just AWESOME with the Fambo's . Btw , me Sister an' Me Arl Girl used to come to , btw , Pick us up ...Ahem .. and would just geg in on the last half an hour an' get a photie with the Big Man . I dunno where they get it from ...??? Anyway , Me Family were as impressed with Undies as I was . Always first in , Him and Duncan ALWAYS last to leave . Mensch , bw .
The BIG signing this Summer was Gary Speed arrived for £300,000 from Leeds . It was a definite coup as the kid was class , AND an Evertonian , to boot . Positive , definately . We begin at home , as usual , against the Barcodes in a relatively easy 2 nil win . On the Tuesday , me an' My Mate , Super-Col' , trekked to Old Trafford , where we witnessed the BEST Everton performance I HAVE SEEN THERE , and I've seen us win there a few times. The Big Man's 2 goals were amongst MY VERY FAVOURITE EVER Everton goals . Our defence , though under constant pressure look sound enough . We take a 2 nil lead as Duncan FUKN TERRIFIES them - AGAIN . I celebrate his second that much , me new Polo Glasses are DESTROYED . Ho-hum . Alas , Jordi Cruyff and Karel Poborsky score their only United League goals as they come back to equalise . No matter . We push on , have 2 more chances in normal time , and then in added time , their Keeper is on the deck , ball is squared to Speedo who , NEVER misses and he manges to hit Schmeichel right in the chest with the ball , and our chance is gone . However , we were Cup Holder's , we had an improved squad , and Peoples began to say , .." Hang on ,...." However , and UTTERLY St. Domingo , we proceed to go into the next 7 games with 3 draws and no wins . Then , our next 5 games ; 2-0 , 2-1 , 1-0 , 1-1 , and then 7-1 against Southampton - Speedo got his only Everton hat-trick . Also , Everton had broken their Transfer Record when paying Middlesborough , £5.65 M , for Nick , " Judas Escariot " Barmby . Adding yet more class to an already impressive Forward Line .The following week was the home Derby . 1's each , Speed again . BUT , we were progressing . This side , in 12 moths , have gone from almost certain relegation strugglers to Cup Winners and now legitimate Upper-Mid Table Challengers . In Speed , Ferguson , Kanchelskis and Limpar . we had as good an offensive unit as any , with pace , strength and bravery - in at least 2 of the four , in abundance . Undies , meanwhile was not up to his standard of a year earlier having been playing injured for most of the season to date . The injury undoubtably affected him . His pace for one , but also his confidence in making he tackles which , primarily had gotten him into the England Team .
Joe Royle began to get more frustrated as , in truth the Escaroit Effect , saw a de-stabled rather than complimented Everton side . The Russian had now , Mercenaried a move to Channel 4's , Serie A . From Boxing Day onwards , we had 9 defeats and 2 wins in fourteen games . Joe went to the Board for the money for 2 Norwegians whom were no better than decent . He was denied . He resigned on the spot . I saw him in the Street outside minutes after . There were about 4/5 reporters / Cameramen there . Someone knew something , like . It was a Tuesday afternoon. Not a Match - Day .
Thing was , he'd gone . Dave Watson - given he didn't have The Bin Man's mouth , was given the Caretaker Manager's role . The first game was at Vanilla . Lost 1-3 . Undies scores our goal . Two games later . our fist win . Spurs , 1-0 . Speedo . Then came Grey Skull . Watto Skipper . Wayne , Asbo Mufuka , Rooney was Mascot . Big Man scores a CRACKER from outside their box , Kop End , and runs to the half way line and does the Star - Jump . OMFG .. Me an' Super Col' are in their Paddock an' proceed to go off like 2 rockets on Guy Fawlkes . Safe to say our Crimson Cousins were NOT impressed .. " Get them out ...!!! " " Fuk off , konbhead ..Dun-Can .. Duncan Feguson ...!!! .." The week after , I went to West Ham . Met young Homer on the way back . Spent the journey with him . In the ground its a decent game . As I recall , could be wrong , but Duncan took the Arm-Band for the first time . I am in front row . Right of goal . I have on a white Fred Perry Trackie Top that can be seen from Space . John Moncur has been subbed injured and is limping aroung the track in front of us . He's taking abit of stick , so I joins in , roaring , as he approaches me . Musta been the coat , as he looks right at me and starts ripping me back , saying " ..In THAT fukn coat ..??? .. " We both has alaugh , and 'cause I'm front row , he gives me a high 5 as he walks past . Top laugh . Top lad , btw . We get 2 late goals , including a very late Duncan equaliser right in front of us . He runs along slapping hands with the lads on the ront row . Again , I get High 5'd . Boss day . We finish a worrying but all to familiar , 15th place . Undies makes 32 starts and 2 substitutions appearances , scoring 5 goals .
Howard Kendall was approached , and accepted the position of Numero Uno , for the third time . It never looked likely to work . I went to Bristol City in their Centenary game , a pre season . I noted our squad . Oster , O 'Kane , Farrelly , Phelan, .. It did NOT bode well . I was Oracula , even then . David Unsworth , having certainly not hit the heights of the Cup run of 1995 , was nevertheless , no worse than anyone else , but had , admittedly put on a pound or two . Thus , as HK wheeled and dealed - dealt ; he was sacrificed , as we were to have season only marginally better than Wimbledon 1994 , escaping , once more with a flukey last day result . Harry Redknapp of West Ham came in like a shot , for him , and Undies was Bolelyn bound . He waas a genuine succes there , and played all but one League game , at his favoured Centre Half and seemed rejuvenated . Alas , his Family could not settle Down South and he reluctantly asked to move .
Peter , Agent, Johnson , meanwhile , had approached ,- THEN ; Sky Sports Commentator , Germaine Greer Tweep , and Villain , erstwhile of this Parish , to be Everton Manager . Fortunately , he was unsuccessful . He went on to promise us , " A World Class Manager .." Then , he appointed , " Have you beeeeeen ,..??? " , Walter Smith , previously of the Glasgow Huns . He made 5 immediate signings . John Collins , from Monaco . Olivier Dacourt , and Marco Materazzi , both classy foreigners , Steve Simonsen , a highly rated but albeit unusual purchase from the Chairman's old club , Tramcar Rovers , and David unsworth . Now , Undies took stick for the rest of his career from Vanillains , when , after agreeing to join them , and playing one reserve game , stories began to leak of , Cold dinners in the bin , I recall . His wife wouldn't leave Merseyside , etc , etc .What had REALLY happened is , the day after he signed for Villa , he heard of Everton's interest . He thus, approached Villa Boss Gregory and , was basically , a man about it . Gregory , didn't say , He'd shoot him , like he did with Dwight Yorke , but not far off . He questioned Undies' Professionalism and Ambition , but ultimately saw the futility in retaining an unhappy player . Thus , David Unsworth got his dream move beack to his spiritual home . Goodison Park .L4 4 EL .
Our season began with a 0-0 home draw against Aston Villa . I was the shape of things to come . At home we broke he club record for draws . A midfield , the best since we won Trophies , just could not click . Undies had beenn drafted into a left full back , and sometime left sided midfielder ...!!! We won 2 of our first ten games , plus a win at Huddersfield in the League Cup . The wek after the last win , at Wimbledon , we go to Grey Skull . Nil's each . The next week , Meself an' Brother-in-Law , lid , are off to Hillsborough . We are in the uncovered bit . I have a Helly Hansen rain jacket thing . It's FREEZING and BOUNCING DOWN . At half time , the canteen gaff is selling black bin bags - punch holes for head , arms , tah-dah !!! Raincoat ...a pound each . As they were closing , it was a fiver . I kid you not . I got off , last 15 minutes as I was going into Cryo-Shock to sit in the car . The game ended nil's each . On Monday 23 November , I go to get The Golden Vision , Alex Young to sign some stuff in a , met-and-greet , upstairs in St. Luke's . The Great Man informed me that our Captain , our Icon , Duncan Ferguson , had been transferred to tonight's opponents earlier that day . It was Alex Young . He wasn't gonna lie . He hadn't . Micheal Ball scored a penalty in the Park End goal as we win 1-0 . The news breaks pre and - during the game . Big Man is in a box with his new employers . Like Bally he had been sold against his wishes . Like Bally , he cried .
We , however , attempted to rally . I purposely went to Charlton - I wasn't gonna , tbh ; our next game ,- Cadamarteri scored a winner ; 2 from 2 ; just to give the V's to the RS in work whom had decorated me workspace with pictures of Big Man in Black and White , poems , shabite ones , but poems , etc , etc .Tarbucks . Every fukn one of them , btw . We lost our next 3 League away games . Then we went to Bristol City in the F .A. Cup 3rd round . The Car Park afterwards was like in 1978 when I went there . It went off . on the pitch , Bakayoko - or , Back o' the Echo - our local Paper , scores two in the rain , and , Hope Springs Eternal ,... In reality of course , it never . We had our moments like . A 5-0 coating of Boro at Goodison sticks out . Both Dacourt and Materazzi scored . Nevertheless , we meander towards Grey Skull , toothless in attack . The week leading up , Smith makes a double loan deal . Scott Gemmill , a Scots International and Son of a Good Player , from Forest . Also , another Ex- Forest Lad , Kevin Campbell . In the game , Dacourt scores after 2 minutes. I'm in theMain Stand . My dear friend , and Life-Long Head-The-Ball , decides to invade the pitch to celebrate with Olly . He got to the Kop End half . If I hadn't identified meself when celebrating , I did when standing on me chair , Roaring him on , and laughin' . A lot . They come back of course . Fowler snorts the line as Materazzi clangs the Deep End post with a free kick and Franny gets his only Anfield goal . Sheff' Wed' came and beat us at home , the week after , but thereafter , we win 4 from 6 , including a 6-0 hiding of the Hammers , as Campbell gets 9 goals - the best ever by any loan player , and removes the very real spectre of relegation . We end up 14th , largely due to our late rally . Undies plays 33 games , with another appearance as Sub' .
1999 / 2000 was where it all started to go downhill , for me . Dacourt and Materazzi had departed , as it became apparent that Undies had Bankrupt Everton FC . It turned out that of al of Smith's first 5 buys , 3 were Foreign Club recipients , another was Tranmere Rovers . Undies , however , coming from an English Club , required £3M ACTUAL , REAL DOLLARS . We had nothing like as much . Thus , as the time came to also pay for Collins , Dacourt and Marco , 2 at least , had to go . So , go they did . We swapped them for , Stephen Hughes , Pembers .. Joe-Max. Not offence to any of them , but it was a backward step for our Roster . Alex Cleland , and that RS TAWT , Xavier ... One thing , Sorry , Comerada Mia .. Richard Gough arrived from Holidays in America . For a 37 year old Hun who hadn't kicked a ball for 12 months , he was mustard .
We began to do the Everton hing , and contrary sumbeyatches that we are , turn into , The Entertainers . Hutch is on fire , but goals are all over the side . Campbell , Jeffers , Barmby and Undies are now , designated Penalty taker . We score 4 or more goals twice before , at the end of September , it is back to The Uglies . Monday night . I'm in the Road End , but their side . Me RS Cousin is in the front row . I'm directly behind him . We press early , Deep End . Jeffers slips in Campbell , mantaining that whole , Partnership thing . Kevin , controls it and slips it past Westerveld . 1-0 . I go Aggggggggggggghhhhhhh !!! An' I'm over our Timmy's back ,.. Happy days . We hang on in the maddest RS Derby ever , as first Franny misses asitter , then has Handbags , with their Goalie and they are dismissed . Then , a Baby - NO ... Don't go there ; Me La assaults , first The Don , and then Super Kev' - as he'd now been Christened . He HAD to go . He did . We hung on to gain our last , as I write this evening , victory at the Bealzebubs to date . It was gonna get A LOT worse before it got better over there . Indeed , we remain waiting ..And Praying ... A LOT ,..... Up until Boxing Day , we had a 1-4 defeat , a 0-5 loss , a 4-4 with Leeds , and a 5-0 hammering of Reidy's Sunderland with Hutchison , Supreme . We draw David Moyes' , Preston North End in the F.A. Cup 4th Round . They turn up . Big time . They look dangerous and score . Their many legions go , OFF . Weare fretting . Step forward Undies , lid . Free kick . Just outside St. End goal . Left side as I look . Postage stamp delivery sees Gwlady go Nuts . Joe-Max seals it for us , but Moyes had left an indelible impression . In what was in truth , a teste of things to come , we are embarrassed by Vanilla at home in the next Round , Merson and our perennial Persecutor , Carbone ,... as our season peters out to nothing . David Unsworth played 32 games , another as Sub' , and netted six times . We finish 13th .
AsI said , the Negativity Vibe thing , became ever-more powerful . Let's just say that our second win came on October 17th against the Barcodes . Undies had begun to take stick from our own fans as a kinda dual-culpa thing . He was firstly , NOT Micheal Ball , Prodigy Du Jour , and also was the onfield manifestation of Smith as , no matter what had preceeded it , our side CONTINUED to give it to Undies to play , The Long Diagonal Ball . It was NOT Smith who took the stick though . 3 consecutive wins in November served to lighten the mood . They were followed by , 0-2 , 0-5 , 1-1 , 0-1 , 1-2 , 0-1 , the last one at Derby on New Year's Day . Our midfiels now contained Nyarko , whom , after a Pre-Season Mash-Up of preston , never really turned up again , and Paul , Ungrateful Fat [Poor language removed] , Gascoigne . Again . Not all that , by then . The Nadir of the Season , and my WORST DAY at Goodison park , occurred in the F.A. cup 4th Round with the visit of Aldridge's Tranmere Rovers . There was no Merseyside Love-In , and they brought fans , attitude and some fukn players . We had the first , but not the last 2 . They mullahd us 3-0 and should have more . I wanted to cry . I think I did . I've done a lot of green since then , and can't actually recall , tbh . The SECOND worst night came with the home Derby and Gary Fukn MacAllister . The game is 2-2 , Undies Penalty and Big Man for us . They get a free kick , last 2 minutes , somewhere near Norris Geen . Nevertheless , this Cocky Mufuka sees our Utterly Dumb-Arse Guillable Keeper , Gerrard creeping off his line . Baldy Hun shoots , using the skidding turf . Goal . They go mental . We start kicking off on Walton road . The season can't end quick enough , as Smith and Archie's Baseball Bat are slipping DOWN the Goodison Hit-Parade . We finish 16th , 2 places above relegation , but in truth , points clear . That wasn't the point , with respect . Undies made 17 starts , 12 Sub' appearances and scored 5 goals .
Nevertheless , Broadway Bill has a , Me an' Walt's is TIGHT , thing afoot . He stays . Move on . Well , no actualy ,... Anyway , we attempted , to stumble on ,.. The season brought no surprises , but September said it all ; 1-4 , 1-1 , 1-3 , 0-1 , 5-0 ,... We weren't good enough . End of . 2 more wins until December 15 . Then , 2-3 , 0-1 , 0-2 ,. We stagger on . Beat Orient at home in he Cup and celebrate like its Man United , in truth . We go to Middlesborough in March for a 5th Round Cup tie . We , literally did . We were humiliated 3-0 live on BBC , as Boro looked like Barcelona . Enough was enough . Even Kenwright couldn't ignore this one . If Port Vale was a Watershed ,... Smith was dismissed that evening , and David Moyes , the preston Manager , with the approval of his Club , was in Bill Broadway Bungalow by Midnight . He'd agreed to be our new Manager in 10 minutes .
Our first game , Moyes Regina , as it were . Fulham , louis , The King , Saha , et al , were our opponents . The reception received by the new , Ginger Coiffuered Leader was beyond impressive . Undies was selected in his first 11 . From the kick off we press . We push on . Ball breaks from the area to edge of same to one , David , I'm on A-Plan , Unsworth , who rifles it into far corner . 1-0 . 33 seconds . The roof nearly comes off . A perfect start on all counts . We re,main in touble but the mood is tangibly lifted . we go to Derby and win 4-3 the week after .e also suffer defeats but have achieved safety well before the last week . We finish 15th , seven points above the last relegated team . David Unsworth makes 28 starts with another 5 as Substiue , scoring 3 goals .
Optimism was the Order of the Day as 2003/04 began . Moyes swooped for a Goalkeeper . Quelle Surprise . Richard Wright of Arsenal's Reserves . Li Tie and Lei Weifong became the Premier League's first Chinese Footballers . Alan Stubbs was recruited from Glasgow Celtic , good blue that he is . It all began relatively quietly . A win , 2 draws and two losses , with Undies getting 2 Penalties . Win , loss , win . Then , we went to Wrexham in the League Cup in October , which saw the first team debut of one , Wayne Rooney . I've told here before of how the kid , Tore It Up . The players , our own players were standing with their mouths open . Moyes had the Golden Touch , it seemed . Blue spirits rose exponentially as a result . Aside from a United defeat on the Saturday , we never lost another game until December 1 . A bad December and January set us back though , as we went until Mid-March before suffering 2 more losses . This was more than one step forward , two steps back . It was progress . plain and simple . We suffered only 3 more defeas all Campaign . We finish an excellent 7th , as Undies plays 32 games from the start , 1 as Sub' , and nets 5 times .
The Summer of 2003 was the best for Evertonian Morale in a Decade . Even incuding the Cup Win . We had a young Manager and the best young player in Christendom . It was All Day . Thomas Grevesen was recruited , as was Kevin Kilbane , Nigel Martyn , from Leeds on a free - the Wright experiment had not been successful . Nyarko , utterly amazingly was also re-recruited . I'm not going to concentrate tooo much on this Campaign , This Season of disappointment . It began mediocre and went downhill from there . Too many draws , and when we weren't drawing , we were losing . 0-3 at home to The Vermin , for example . A corker of a game against United at home , 2-3 said it all . Fine an' all , but ultimately unsuccessful . King Louie and Fulham knock us out the F.A. Cup and while we are near the foot of the table we were never going down . Still , it was a Reality Wake-Up Call , for all of us .Players , Manager , Directors and Fans . We ended up 17th , 6 points clear of the drop , but all he sides below were worse than us , as Undies played 22 games from the beginning , 4 as Substitue bagging 3 goals . They would be his last in Everton Blue , as Moyes refused his , legitimate request for a 2 year contract , so Undies left . Football in the Modern Age .
He joined Portsmouth in August 2004 . He scored on debut , but made only 16 appearances , and spent the second half of the Season on loan at Ipswich - 16 games 1 goal . In Summer 2005 , he joined Neil Warnock at Sheffield United , playing alongside Jags . He stayed 2 years , making 39 appearances and scoring 4 goals . From there he went on to Wigan Athletic . I remember going to Chelsea , last game of the season . 2 weeks after Bally's Funeral . Drew 1-1 . Shoulda won . Anyway , I'm on The King's Road . Sees 2 Wigan Fans . Says , how did yous get on ??? We stayed up !!! Undies scored a Penalty !!! Yay !!! I jumped around with them for a minute , so buzzing was I for my Pie Arse Mate .From Wigan he went the short distance to Burnley and finally Huddersfield .Looking to move into Coaching / Management , he was recuited to Preston Noth End's backroom staf under Darren Ferguson . Indeed , with the taggart The Younger getting Binned , Undies was appinted Care-Taker Manager in a very Moyes-esque Tragi/Comedy thing . alas , he was not the repat Ginger's fortune at deepdale . least not yet . He finished his Professional Career with 449 games and 45 goals , 188 , and 23 respectively , for Everton FC .
While he played for us , Undies used to know I sat where I sat . This was because I proper rated him . Not so much ability wise but his , Fuk You , I'm Everton . End Of , attitude . Thus , when others berated him . I backed him . Loudly . Its how I roll . A few times I've had a point or a thums up off the lid with the game going on . Every time he wore a Blue Jersey he treat it like the First . And Last . He was not the most gifted . Not by along chalk . But he was one of the most grateful and certainly among the most committed . Moreover , I have seen him at both a home and an away Derby whilst playing for other clubs . Mensch , btw .
I chose Undies today , for two reasons ; I need to share some love around , and also with him being the perfect personification of our current predicament . Not great , but absolutely committed beyond question and in it for the duration . up or down . Win , lose or draw. We are about , to use a Nautical reference , Sail Into Choppy Waters , off the pitch . Perhaps on , too . Thus , we , as a Peoples , need to take some of David Unsworth's Sheer Fukn Love of all ALL THINGS St. Domingo and be what this Club is REALLY ALL ABOUT .
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Congregation ,....
I give you Undies ; Not the Most Svelte , defo didn't do Stripes well , but irrefutably , A Toffee . First Team Evertonian .
Amen .
May the Good Lord be with you all .
Remember , Jesus Loves You , 'cause you're a Blue .
Look after Your Peoples .
Peace out .
Written in Britain .
What's Our Name ,..??
The ( Catholic ) Reverand L.C.A.B.
" ...., I know , My Peoples Hearin' Me ..... Hollah , if y'all need me .... Word .... "
Last edited:
