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The Secret Diary of Aldo Aged 61 1/2

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Yarrgh

Yarrgh

Player Valuation: £70m
01/04/2020

10:00 am Woke up real early today. Spaghetti Legs called me to tell me he thinks today is the day that the Premier League is going to award der mighty reds the 19th title. Get in! To be fair, I think the only way this team could be any better is if me and Kenny were in the team. First things first though, change the page on my 1979 Kenny Dalglish calendar. It’s a picture of Kenny sitting on a tractor in his pants, and I’ve pasted in a cut out of myself from 1988 holding the League trophy. Proper buzzing.

11:00 am Bacon but but for breakie! Mrs A asks me what I want on it. RED SAUCE! Ho ho ho! I am on fire today! Defo putting on my full kit to have a walk around town.

12:00 noon Where is everyone? I can’t believe that no one is out celebrating. I’m waving my banner and everything. Hasn’t anyone heard the news?

12:30 pm Spaghetti Legs and Djimi are back outside the cornershop when I get there for my supplies. That cheeky Brucie shouts “April Fool!” Djimi is laughing his head off. I feel dead embarrassed. I hope Kenny doesn’t hear about this.

3:00pm I’ve calmed down now and am sitting in my mum’s box room with all my old memorabilia in it. Logging on to the internet to see how other people think about the football world taking out its agenda on the redmen just because of some nuggets are sick. It’s a sick joke is what it is.

4:00pm I have read about a plan to hold the end of the league in a mega tournament in the midlands with it being shown on tv to everyone. I think it’s a brilliant idea but obviously it’s a bit unfair on Liverpool losing all their home advantage. How about do it Anfield?!? It’s the best ground in the league. All the fans can wait outside to celebrate, and it’d be great. That pie crust snorting wizard Mayor probably won’t let it happen because he’s such a bitter bloo.

7:00pm Crafty pot noodle and special brew for dinner tonight. No messages on my phone. Can’t believe that Kenny hasn’t called yet.

9:00pm The special brew is slipping down easy now. Time to fire up the old twitter and tell them about my idea.

11:45pm Effing nuggets. The NHS are some lazy sods, can’t spare an ambulance for the games? Eff off. It’s a tonic in these troubled times. Effing hell, does no one care about the integrity of the league? Cancel next year’s season if you have to. Otherwise this would all be for nothing. They’re all against us. Even the BBC only has one article by Danny Murphy about us. At least he seems to be impartial and get it.

1:00 am I was violently sick and my shirt is a mess. I look like a right divvy and stink. Feel worse than a YTS kid at Tranmere after I’d toughened them up with some bullying. 30 effin’ years. Ba****ds.
 

Yarrgh said:
01/04/2020

10:00 am Woke up real early today. Spaghetti Legs called me to tell me he thinks today is the day that the Premier League is going to award der mighty reds the 19th title. Get in! To be fair, I think the only way this team could be any better is if me and Kenny were in the team. First things first though, change the page on my 1979 Kenny Dalglish calendar. It’s a picture of Kenny sitting on a tractor in his pants, and I’ve pasted in a cut out of myself from 1988 holding the League trophy. Proper buzzing.

11:00 am Bacon but but for breakie! Mrs A asks me what I want on it. RED SAUCE! Ho ho ho! I am on fire today! Defo putting on my full kit to have a walk around town.

12:00 noon Where is everyone? I can’t believe that no one is out celebrating. I’m waving my banner and everything. Hasn’t anyone heard the news?

12:30 pm Spaghetti Legs and Djimi are back outside the cornershop when I get there for my supplies. That cheeky Brucie shouts “April Fool!” Djimi is laughing his head off. I feel dead embarrassed. I hope Kenny doesn’t hear about this.

3:00pm I’ve calmed down now and am sitting in my mum’s box room with all my old memorabilia in it. Logging on to the internet to see how other people think about the football world taking out its agenda on the redmen just because of some nuggets are sick. It’s a sick joke is what it is.

4:00pm I have read about a plan to hold the end of the league in a mega tournament in the midlands with it being shown on tv to everyone. I think it’s a brilliant idea but obviously it’s a bit unfair on Liverpool losing all their home advantage. How about do it Anfield?!? It’s the best ground in the league. All the fans can wait outside to celebrate, and it’d be great. That pie crust snorting wizard Mayor probably won’t let it happen because he’s such a bitter bloo.

7:00pm Crafty pot noodle and special brew for dinner tonight. No messages on my phone. Can’t believe that Kenny hasn’t called yet.

9:00pm The special brew is slipping down easy now. Time to fire up the old twitter and tell them about my idea.

11:45pm Effing nuggets. The NHS are some lazy sods, can’t spare an ambulance for the games? Eff off. It’s a tonic in these troubled times. Effing hell, does no one care about the integrity of the league? Cancel next year’s season if you have to. Otherwise this would all be for nothing. They’re all against us. Even the BBC only has one article by Danny Murphy about us. At least he seems to be impartial and get it.

1:00 am I was violently sick and my shirt is a mess. I look like a right divvy and stink. Feel worse than a YTS kid at Tranmere after I’d toughened them up with some bullying. 30 effin’ years. Ba****ds.
Click to expand...
 

EFCPaul said:
Couldn't be in the same room as the bloke because I'd lose my temper. Truly despicable.
Click to expand...
My misses made a [Poor language removed] of him in Kirklands in town when out with her sister.
I think it was late 80s when he was still playing for the RS.
He was with a few mates giving it the Billy big bollocks when they came over to them chatting them up.My misses said to him " I know you don't I ? don't tell me, she was really dragging it out all the time his head was getting bigger and bigger.
Then she hit him with it,
"Your on the bins in Page Moss arnt you ?
His mates were on the floor and he went into a sulk and wandered off.
 
Yarrgh said:
01/04/2020

10:00 am Woke up real early today. Spaghetti Legs called me to tell me he thinks today is the day that the Premier League is going to award der mighty reds the 19th title. Get in! To be fair, I think the only way this team could be any better is if me and Kenny were in the team. First things first though, change the page on my 1979 Kenny Dalglish calendar. It’s a picture of Kenny sitting on a tractor in his pants, and I’ve pasted in a cut out of myself from 1988 holding the League trophy. Proper buzzing.

11:00 am Bacon but but for breakie! Mrs A asks me what I want on it. RED SAUCE! Ho ho ho! I am on fire today! Defo putting on my full kit to have a walk around town.

12:00 noon Where is everyone? I can’t believe that no one is out celebrating. I’m waving my banner and everything. Hasn’t anyone heard the news?

12:30 pm Spaghetti Legs and Djimi are back outside the cornershop when I get there for my supplies. That cheeky Brucie shouts “April Fool!” Djimi is laughing his head off. I feel dead embarrassed. I hope Kenny doesn’t hear about this.

3:00pm I’ve calmed down now and am sitting in my mum’s box room with all my old memorabilia in it. Logging on to the internet to see how other people think about the football world taking out its agenda on the redmen just because of some nuggets are sick. It’s a sick joke is what it is.

4:00pm I have read about a plan to hold the end of the league in a mega tournament in the midlands with it being shown on tv to everyone. I think it’s a brilliant idea but obviously it’s a bit unfair on Liverpool losing all their home advantage. How about do it Anfield?!? It’s the best ground in the league. All the fans can wait outside to celebrate, and it’d be great. That pie crust snorting wizard Mayor probably won’t let it happen because he’s such a bitter bloo.

7:00pm Crafty pot noodle and special brew for dinner tonight. No messages on my phone. Can’t believe that Kenny hasn’t called yet.

9:00pm The special brew is slipping down easy now. Time to fire up the old twitter and tell them about my idea.

11:45pm Effing nuggets. The NHS are some lazy sods, can’t spare an ambulance for the games? Eff off. It’s a tonic in these troubled times. Effing hell, does no one care about the integrity of the league? Cancel next year’s season if you have to. Otherwise this would all be for nothing. They’re all against us. Even the BBC only has one article by Danny Murphy about us. At least he seems to be impartial and get it.

1:00 am I was violently sick and my shirt is a mess. I look like a right divvy and stink. Feel worse than a YTS kid at Tranmere after I’d toughened them up with some bullying. 30 effin’ years. Ba****ds.
Click to expand...
You've missed your vocation mate lol lol lol
 
Yarrgh said:
01/04/2020

10:00 am Woke up real early today. Spaghetti Legs called me to tell me he thinks today is the day that the Premier League is going to award der mighty reds the 19th title. Get in! To be fair, I think the only way this team could be any better is if me and Kenny were in the team. First things first though, change the page on my 1979 Kenny Dalglish calendar. It’s a picture of Kenny sitting on a tractor in his pants, and I’ve pasted in a cut out of myself from 1988 holding the League trophy. Proper buzzing.

11:00 am Bacon but but for breakie! Mrs A asks me what I want on it. RED SAUCE! Ho ho ho! I am on fire today! Defo putting on my full kit to have a walk around town.

12:00 noon Where is everyone? I can’t believe that no one is out celebrating. I’m waving my banner and everything. Hasn’t anyone heard the news?

12:30 pm Spaghetti Legs and Djimi are back outside the cornershop when I get there for my supplies. That cheeky Brucie shouts “April Fool!” Djimi is laughing his head off. I feel dead embarrassed. I hope Kenny doesn’t hear about this.

3:00pm I’ve calmed down now and am sitting in my mum’s box room with all my old memorabilia in it. Logging on to the internet to see how other people think about the football world taking out its agenda on the redmen just because of some nuggets are sick. It’s a sick joke is what it is.

4:00pm I have read about a plan to hold the end of the league in a mega tournament in the midlands with it being shown on tv to everyone. I think it’s a brilliant idea but obviously it’s a bit unfair on Liverpool losing all their home advantage. How about do it Anfield?!? It’s the best ground in the league. All the fans can wait outside to celebrate, and it’d be great. That pie crust snorting wizard Mayor probably won’t let it happen because he’s such a bitter bloo.

7:00pm Crafty pot noodle and special brew for dinner tonight. No messages on my phone. Can’t believe that Kenny hasn’t called yet.

9:00pm The special brew is slipping down easy now. Time to fire up the old twitter and tell them about my idea.

11:45pm Effing nuggets. The NHS are some lazy sods, can’t spare an ambulance for the games? Eff off. It’s a tonic in these troubled times. Effing hell, does no one care about the integrity of the league? Cancel next year’s season if you have to. Otherwise this would all be for nothing. They’re all against us. Even the BBC only has one article by Danny Murphy about us. At least he seems to be impartial and get it.

1:00 am I was violently sick and my shirt is a mess. I look like a right divvy and stink. Feel worse than a YTS kid at Tranmere after I’d toughened them up with some bullying. 30 effin’ years. Ba****ds.
Click to expand...
Great stuff.
 

Yarrgh said:
01/04/2020

10:00 am Woke up real early today. Spaghetti Legs called me to tell me he thinks today is the day that the Premier League is going to award der mighty reds the 19th title. Get in! To be fair, I think the only way this team could be any better is if me and Kenny were in the team. First things first though, change the page on my 1979 Kenny Dalglish calendar. It’s a picture of Kenny sitting on a tractor in his pants, and I’ve pasted in a cut out of myself from 1988 holding the League trophy. Proper buzzing.

11:00 am Bacon but but for breakie! Mrs A asks me what I want on it. RED SAUCE! Ho ho ho! I am on fire today! Defo putting on my full kit to have a walk around town.

12:00 noon Where is everyone? I can’t believe that no one is out celebrating. I’m waving my banner and everything. Hasn’t anyone heard the news?

12:30 pm Spaghetti Legs and Djimi are back outside the cornershop when I get there for my supplies. That cheeky Brucie shouts “April Fool!” Djimi is laughing his head off. I feel dead embarrassed. I hope Kenny doesn’t hear about this.

3:00pm I’ve calmed down now and am sitting in my mum’s box room with all my old memorabilia in it. Logging on to the internet to see how other people think about the football world taking out its agenda on the redmen just because of some nuggets are sick. It’s a sick joke is what it is.

4:00pm I have read about a plan to hold the end of the league in a mega tournament in the midlands with it being shown on tv to everyone. I think it’s a brilliant idea but obviously it’s a bit unfair on Liverpool losing all their home advantage. How about do it Anfield?!? It’s the best ground in the league. All the fans can wait outside to celebrate, and it’d be great. That pie crust snorting wizard Mayor probably won’t let it happen because he’s such a bitter bloo.

7:00pm Crafty pot noodle and special brew for dinner tonight. No messages on my phone. Can’t believe that Kenny hasn’t called yet.

9:00pm The special brew is slipping down easy now. Time to fire up the old twitter and tell them about my idea.

11:45pm Effing nuggets. The NHS are some lazy sods, can’t spare an ambulance for the games? Eff off. It’s a tonic in these troubled times. Effing hell, does no one care about the integrity of the league? Cancel next year’s season if you have to. Otherwise this would all be for nothing. They’re all against us. Even the BBC only has one article by Danny Murphy about us. At least he seems to be impartial and get it.

1:00 am I was violently sick and my shirt is a mess. I look like a right divvy and stink. Feel worse than a YTS kid at Tranmere after I’d toughened them up with some bullying. 30 effin’ years. Ba****ds.
Click to expand...
Carlsberg Special Brew brings back some memories.

Back when I was 16 I used to drink in the parks around Wallasey/New Brighton with a big gang of mates (the good old days) where a night out cost no more than £5, I used to go between the likes of a 3L bottle of White Lightening/8 cans of Fosters for £5. I tried Special Brew one time and it was awful stuff, it tasted like treacle and I had to hold my nose with every swig. Still, it was cheap and did the job at the time. I hadn't even finished my third can before I was staggering around hammered talking utter guff. I think it was 9% at the time.

This was in the days where your street cred was measured by how much you could drink. People would ask how much you've drank and lads would lie and say "I've had half a bottle of voddy, 3 cans of Fosters, 1L of White Lightening etc."

On my Special Brew night I distinctly remember being asked by a group of lads how much I'd drank.

"I've had 3 cans of..." and before I could utter the words Special Brew they all erupted with laugher.

"HAHAHHAHAHA, he's an effin lightweight this one, WHHHEEEEEEYYYYYYY HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!"

Cans went flying, everyone in bulk doubled over pissing themselves laughing. My street cred was in absolute tatters.

Great site lads. All the best.
 
02/04/20

1:00pm I feel really ill today. I woke up in a pile of vomit with me kit all ruined. I’ve lost a shinpad, but at least my captain’s armband is still intact. Something is really wrong with that Special Brew from the corner shop – can’t get past the 18th can without voiding the contents of my stomach.

2:00pm Bad head.

3:00pm Must have drifted off, but there’s a voice message on my phone. It’s from Kenny I think because it’s in Scottish. I can’t understand exactly what he said but I bet he wants to meet up at the park after 4.

4:00pm Showered, shaven and fresh. Put on my cleanest pants and everything. Off to the park where Kenny hangs out. Still feel rough, but when I get there I won’t be walking alone. Love hanging out with Kenny me. Mrs A wants to know when I get back, tell her I might be out all night with the lads. She told me to stop behaving like a prat and sit down and have my tea and that I can be back before 8 or I’ll be getting a kick up the ar5e. Women hey?

5:00pm Sausage beans and chips. Brilliant. But I’m late. I hope Kenny is still at the park.

5:15pm [Poor language removed].

5:45pm It was that big bully Duncan from the other side of the park. Wanted to know who’d been throwing special brew cans at his pigeon loft. I told him it would be that binman from Page Moss, but he battered me anyway.

6:00pm That soft shi*e, Blue Bill came over and helped me up. Wouldn’t believe it that his Duncan would do this to me. Said that I looked like someone had pushed a wall on me. Haha, think yer big and clever, you won’t be when we’re champions and you suck. He gave me a couple of quid so I bought a pack of rolos and the Echo.

7:00pm Couple of special brews and starting to feel fine. I look at the Echo to see what they’re saying. Big news is that Jurgs is saying them Madrid fans were wrong to come and infect us and he was worried. Big heart, lovely teeth, a real class act even if he is a German from Germany. Lovely piece from lickle Micky Owen saying that Liverpool should get the title and that there’s an agenda from everyone in the league. Dead right lad, I’ve been shouting that for years at anyone within ear shot.

8:00pm Mrs A comes in and tells me Kenny called round while I was out. Kenny was in his full kit too and wanted to know if I wanted to play striker on the astro. Instead I was getting my head panned by that bully. What a nugget that Duncan is.

9:00pm Chatting online to Martin Samuels. He tells me football could continue soon or else he’s getting booted off Sunday Supplement on Sky. They’ve already stopped giving them Tesco Extra Special croissants and nespresso and they haven’t changed the jazz mags in the green room for weeks now. I’m really worried.

11:00pm Do you know when them lazy NHS sh*thouses robbed our song and got an 8 o’clock clap. Just tweeted that we should reclaim the song and have our own clap at 7pm (19:00 Get it? Dead clever), but some bitter bloo said we could have it at a quarter to 7 or 18:45 as he tweeted. What a brain-dead nugget. Blocked and reported. Ran out of ale so went to bed.
 

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