New signing media interviews - what would you ask?

[HTCHERO]

Do you like your water fizzy or still?

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

How's yer ma?
What you do for your 18th or 21st...
You got a firestick?
Dogging yay or nay.

 

[Rita_Poon]

This is not exclusive to Everton or any particular player, it’s an outcome of the fear of being sued or complained about on all clubs’ behalves.

Does anyone else wish the media team would ask new players a different set of questions? Because it a the same thing for every player, and the players themselves are mostly media trained to give the same answers now.

Club Media Officer; “So, new player, what are your thoughts on joining this massive club”?

New Player; “yeah it’s a massive club, huge fanbase, so passionate”.

CMO; “when you’ve played here in the Premier League in the past what have been your thoughts on the fans”?

NP; “yeah so passionate, huge club, bigger than Ron Jeremy’s member, kick it in the goal”.

CMO; “And now you’ve had a look round, how do you feel about the new world class stadium”?

NP; “yeah totally world class, amazing group, can’t wait to give 100% for the amazing fans of this amazing club, tremendous bunch the lads. Kick it in the goal”.

-jungle music and flashing images to fade

Come on, I wanna see them draw the personality out. I wanna know who they wanted to be growing up. What their favourite film/car/band/porn genre search is.

What you’d you ask new signings for media duties on arrival?

I'm not sure this is even half of the battle.
Could tailor certain interviewers and have a line of questions. Carmen Elektra interviewing Distin for instance. Or Dr Lecter for Pickford...
"How much of a shyster is the actor nic coppola?", "How cold do you think river side in the Hill Dickinson will be in mid December?", "Have you tried the ultra footlong with the blue tomato sauce?", "In your opinion, who is histories most successful general?", "What behaviour or action are you most ashamed of committing as a child?". That sort of thing, keep em on the hop.
"Who's your favourite snooker player and can you remember against the opponent and match they produced a spectacular shot?", "Reckon you could go lager vs lager with Bill Werbeniuk?", "Did you know Stephen Hendry still drives the Ferrari he won for that 147 in 1996?", "Has the renaissance in snooker and it's world wide expansion been solely due to the foresight of eddie hearn?". (Bombarding Barry with total-snooker could be magical).

 

[COYB75]

Questions for the new player

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What’s your order from the hot wok?
Snog, marry, avoid Benitez, Allardyce, Dyche
How many eggs can you eat in ten minutes? (Then get eggs out and make him do it)
Is Everton the biggest club in the universe? What about in a parallel universe?

Still can't believe that all three of these ends have been managers of our club. The utter shame.

 

[chrismpw]

How long do you think it will be before you think youre bigger than Everton and want to walk to a different club?

How many goals or assists will that be?

Are you likely ever to be the kind of person who will bring the club into disrepute by, you know, raping, drink driving, kindly fiddling or overusing asthma inhalers?

You know you'll be given more in a week for playing this hobby once or twice a week, than most of the fans here get in a year of hard graft - so you'll understand when they get frustrated, right?

Do you vote tory?

 

[trueblue84]

That would've been an awkward time to have found a congenital heart defect.

 

[Benicetoourboys]

..and its only 4 O'clock, will get even more daft/interesting later.

 

[DualityNSNO]

Are you likely ever to be the kind of person who will bring the club into disrepute by kindly fiddling?

How will it bring disrepute if it's kind though? Consensual fiddling is a-okay.

 

[PhilRegan]

What was it like growing up as a Boyhood Evertonian ?

 

[coollino]

'are you concerned about your book value'

 

[Bally1989]

Is it a "New Era" or a "NEW ERA"

 

[HKContractDave]

Who do you throw in the Mersey?

 

[Exeter_Gently]

'In your opinion did Jeffery Epstein kill himself'

 

[Bluebonic]

Have you ever been so bladdered you’ve curried your kecks?

 

[Exeter_Gently]

My new favourite thread this