Made up stats that sound impressive (but aren't) and could be real

[Big Fat Sam]

Morgan Schneiderlin has an 95% pass completion rate when playing a ball back to the goalkeeper from midfield.

Coco Martina is the only player in the Premier League era who is his clubs third choice in his normal position to play every game for half a season in the opposite position.

Yannick Bolasie has a 96% stepover completion rate and translates these stepovers into the taking on of a defender 34% of the time.

 

[Big Fat Sam]

Wayne Rooney has successfully drink driven a car without being caught by police on 82% of his attempts.

Maarten Stekelenberg has kept clean sheets in every first team appearance in season 2017/18, but myseriously isn't the Golden Glove winner.

 

[davek]

Sam Allardyce insists on FF kitchens serving up an exclusive menu of black pudding, hash brownies and sticky toffee puddings to all first team staff in an effort to stimulate a Brexit bulldog fighting spirit into the team.

 

[blue61]

Everton win the league every 24 years.

 

[Big Fat Sam]

The famed 'Arteta Money' is sitting in a Swiss bank account and is generating interest at 4MM per annum.

 

[Lanolin]

Sam Allardyce insists on FF kitchens serving up an exclusive menu of black pudding, hash brownies and sticky toffee puddings to all first team staff in an effort to stimulate a Brexit bulldog fighting spirit into the team.

Explains a lot.

 

[evertonarntwe]

Sam Allardyce has us in the top half of the table but in reality he's a fat waster who need shooting

 

[Big Fat Sam]

Sam Allardyce has us in the top half of the table but in reality he's a fat waster who need shooting

But that's 100% true bruv.

 

[davek]

Farhad Moshiri has followed up his part purchase of the Liver Building by buying Western Approaches in order to provide an escape hole for Usmanov if the FBI comes looking for him.

 

[deipnosophist]

The famed 'Arteta Money' is sitting in a Swiss bank account and is generating interest at 4MM per annum.

Dan Brown’s latest (impending) novel sheds some intriguing light on this subject...

 

[Hangleton]

DCL has a 14% strike rate when heading straight at the keeper.

 

[kev]

10% of made up statistics are correct 53.9% of the time

 

[Seathestars]

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

[Prevenger17]

We get hammered by top 6 teams 100% of the time when we play 5 at the back

 

[Ihaters]

Kopites are gobs***s only 99.5% of the time.