Joke thread

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Accuse you ? Nah...
I merely complimented you on the use of the edit button to avoid embarrassment once you figured that the third sons's name wasn't Pop after all.:lol:
 

There was this magican who worked on the Titanic performing his tricks. He was actually quite a good magican but his act was regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets, like:"ITS UP HIS SLEEVE","ITS IN HIS POCKET" or "ITS UNDER THE TABLE". The magican was getting sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening at the climax of his act the liner struck an iceberg and sank. Amazingly the magican survived and found himself lying on a piece of driftwood. In a daze, he opened his eyes and could see the parrot staring back at him with its beady little eyes. Days passed by without the pair saying a word to each other. Eventually the parrot stood up and said " OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
 
Billy was at school one morning when the teacher ask the class what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but billy was been uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher ask him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he will go out with a man, rent a cheap motel and sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and brought little billy to one side to ask him if it was really true.
"No", said Billy, " He plays football for the [Poor language removed], I was just too embarrassed to say."

Must be Billy Gerrard!! (y) (y) (y)
 
del78 said:
Billy was at school one morning when the teacher ask the class what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but billy was been uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher ask him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he will go out with a man, rent a cheap motel and sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and brought little billy to one side to ask him if it was really true.
"No", said Billy, " He plays football for the [Poor language removed], I was just too embarrassed to say."

Must be Billy Gerrard!! (y) (y) (y)
Click to expand...

Hahaha... I never get tired of that one.
 
monty said:
An Irish woman came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was VERY upset.



You're a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!



And Paddy (for it was he) replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.



Fine, go ahead, she sobbed, but they'll be the last words you'll say to me !



And Paddy began:



Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.



She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.



So, out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.



Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.



Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.



I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.



I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at



the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..."



Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued:



She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said



Please......... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?".......................................................
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F**king classic monty :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
You know why the chicken quit soccer?

he was fowled too much!


You hear about the Chicken who haunts a farm out in saskatchewan?

He was known as the infamous poultrygeist:D
 

Some classic Jack Handey:

Dad always said laughter was the best medicine ... which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
 
If you drop your keys in a river of molten lava, forget about them because man, they're gone.

The crows were calling his name thought Caw.

Loved Jack Handey.
 
a man hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years.
the hit man says 'I will shoot her just below her left tit'

The hubby says ' I want her killed, not kneecapped'
 

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