Joke thread

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How to Shower Like a Woman
>
>1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
>according to >lights and darks.
>
>2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
>along the >way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
>3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note
>to do more >sit-ups
>
>4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
>loofah, >wide loofah, and pumice stone.
>
>5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
>vitamins.
>
>6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
>7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced
>with >natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
>
>8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
>until red.
>
>9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body
>wash.
>
>10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
>11. Shave armpits and legs.
>
>12. Turn off shower.
>
>13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
>Tilex.
>
>14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of asmall country.
>Wrap hair >in super absorbent towel.
>
>15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
>
>16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
>
>17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
>How To Shower Like a Man
>
>1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
>them in a pile.
>
>2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
>wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>
>3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of
>your wiener and scratch your ass.
>
>4. Get in the shower.
>
>5. Wash your face
>
>6. Wash your armpits.
>
>7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
>
>8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they
>sound in the shower.
>
>9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
>
>10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the
>soap.
>
>11. Shampoo your hair.
>
>12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
>
>13. Pee.
>
>14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
>15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because
>curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
>
>16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
>
>17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
>
>18. Return to bedroom with towel aound your waist. If you pass
>wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
>
>19. Throw wet towel on bed.
>
>If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind
>this email, there is something so very wrong with you.
>
 

well i laughed me head off - sooo true, but what you forgot to put at the end was . . . . . . . . .











"im clean . . . . . any chance of . . . . . oh no? . . . . where's me clothes then? "

:lol: :P :lol:
 
here are few i like:

The dead batteries were given out free of charge


A will is a dead giveaway.


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
 
I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

and that's when the fight started..
 

A Rabbi and a priest get into a car crash. They both stagger out of their cars but neither of them is injured. The rabbi says "This is a miracle we weren't injured, we should have a toast to god, i have a bottle of Manishewitz (wine) in my trunk." so he pulls it out and gives it to the priest, the priest takes a nice long swig and then hands it back to the rabbi who then proceeds to put the lid back on and put the bottle down. The priest, confused by this, asks"Aren't you going to have a drink?" to which the rabbi replies "No thanks I think I'll wait for the police to come!"
 
Three men are sitting in room smoking pot. After a few spliffs they run out of gear.
One of the men stands up and says, "Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my specialty spliffs" Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some of the spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag.
Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by, then an hour, and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to the hospital.

On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks, "So what was he doing then - Cannabis?"
"Well sort of", replies one of the guys, "But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff."

"Oh" replies the doctor, "so what did you put in it?"

"Umm a bit of cumin, some turmeric, garam masala and a couple of other spices." He replied

The doctor sighs, "Well that explains it. He'll be here for at least 3 weeks before he wakes up."
"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks one of the men.

The doctor replies,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"He's in a korma".
 
Two couples had gone away for the week-end. The two guys, decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.....

The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.Clever enough!

After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the nutella...!:o
 

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "[Poor language removed] YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer [Poor language removed] you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
 
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the
bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the
splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "S'truth,"
Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go
across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her," replied Cobber. "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that,
I'll stay here and play with her nipples.

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "not exactly a good time for that
mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can turn her on and get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper"
 
Piijt said:
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "not exactly a good time for that
mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can turn her on and get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper"
Click to expand...

(y) (y) (y) (y)
 

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