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The Old oil-man

Picture an old, musty, dusty saloon in the Sahara filled with old oil hands and drilling memorabilia. At the bar an older rough-and-ready oil hand with a dirty hard hat, well-worn Red-wings and faded Levi's sits with a glass and a half-empty bottle of "Red Eye, Pastis"

A beautiful young lady comes in and sits right beside him. She looks him over and asks, "Are you a real oil-man?"

He looks back at her and says, "I get up at the crack of dawn, work all day, live on half-baked beans and bad coffee 365 days a year. Yeah, I'm a real oil-man. Are you a real model?"

"No," she says. "I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning thinking how empty my bed looks without a sweet young, naked girlish body lying next to me. I bathe wishing there was a young nubile body in there with me that I could rub with soap. I go to breakfast thinking of pert little breasts and nice flat tummies that I would love to massage. I spend the whole day thinking of nude girls and naked mature women. Yes, I'm a real lesbian."

An hour later another pair of tourists sits down beside the old oil-hand and ask, "Are you a real oil-man?"

He looks at them and says, "I always thought so until an hour ago when I found out I was a lesbian."
 

Sorry to anyone who is Irish or of Irish descent:

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."
 
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."
 
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."
 

This is possibly the worst joke ever, don't enjoy!:lol: :lol: :lol:

You had Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon and Baby Balloon; and Daddy says,
" Baby, you're getting far too big to lie in the bed with your mum and me. You have to go in the cot".

That night, Baby gets fired into the cot, and Mummy and Daddy lie down and go to sleep.

During the night, Baby isn't happy. In fact he's bouncing, and bounces out of the cot and tries to lie down between Mummy and Daddy, but can't fit in. So he goes round to Daddy Balloon and lets a bit of air out of him; then tries to lie down - still not enough room.

So he goes round to Mummy Balloon and lets a bit of air out of her - still not enough room.

Then he says ' "Sod it", and lets a bit of air out of himself, and fits in perfectly and goes to sleep.

In the morning, Daddy was raging mad. He said, "You let me down, you let your mother down, and now you've let yourself down!"


MODS, HOW ABOUT PINNING THIS THREAD TO SAVE LOOKING FOR IT ALL THE TIME!
 
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring Yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion Among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once We settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be Mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, But I aint' givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says It for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a Year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care Of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, So I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big Talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with Only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son- of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step
He took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "Ahem ... You know, it's actually been some time since I Really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare
A few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their
Young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his Horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real Quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third
Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm A bull!!
 
A CHRISTMAS STORY

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
 
SHOP TILL YOU DROP!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in London, UK
At the entrance there are instructions informing women of how the store
operates:

You may visit this store only ONCE.
There are SIX floors and the value of the product INCREASES as the shopper
ascends the flights.
The shopper MAY continue to the next floor, BUT be warned;
you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the HUSBAND STORE in the hope of finding the ideal man
to marry.
On the first floor the sign reads:

Floor 1. These men have jobs.

She is intrigued but decides to continue to the second floor where the sign
reads:

Floor 2. These men have jobs and love kids.

Getting better, she thinks ... but something spurs her on to the third floor

where she reads

Floor 3. These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.

Wow!!! she thinks ... but feels compelled to keep going.

Floor 4. These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help
with the housework.

Oh mercy me! she exclaims. I can hardly stand it. Still ... she climbs on
up to the fifth floor.

Floor 5. These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with
the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay but curiosity pushes her onwards and upwards to
the sixth floor ... where she reads:

Floor 6. You are visitor 31,345,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists purely to prove that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the husband
store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias, the shop's owner opened a New Wives Store just across

the street.

The first floor has wives who love sex.
The second floor has wives who love sex and also have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

CAN THIS THREAD BE PINNED?
 

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
 
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
 
Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the
building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back
into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar,
but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that
could happen!"

"No, it's true," says the first man, "Let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window where he takes the elevator back up to the bar and re-joins the second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time
fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as
his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries
him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to
the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow
drinker to try it.

"Well, what the [Poor language removed]," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works,
so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward -
rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...his body hits the
sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to
the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says, "You know, Superman,
you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
 
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's

a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
 
The many aspects of human sexuality can, at the very least, be puzzling.


Take celibacy.


This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
uncontrollable factors within your own environment.


While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary
listened very carefully to the instructor as he declared:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other."


He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
"Self raising, isn't it?"


Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.....
 

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