Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[GwladysBlue]

You need to come out to your mates. All of them who matter anyway. I realise that's easy for us to say and a lot harder in reality, but it's your only logical course of action.

I have a few gay friends, but only one who ever really struggled with it. For years he kept it going to the detriment of his mental health until, eventually, he just came out. One of our mates did take it surprisingly badly, but he eventually came around to it.

The difference was unbelievable. My mate is now infinitely happier, had a long term relationship (ended recently as relationships do but it was a healthy union) and all down to relieving a pressure he never should have felt in the first place.

I came out in this thread in April 2014. Before I told my mum and dad.

In December 2013 I came out to my best mate.

He was the person who would tell me that it's okay, etc. that everything would one day work out and I'll always have him.

Only these last six months we have actually went with each other twice. He's taken it very badly and cut me out of his life. It is hard to put into words how close we actually were. Right through secondary school up until recently.

I haven't seen him in three months now and he doesn't reply to my messages.

He meant everything to me. Now it's gone.

With him being the one to say that it's okay, etc, then why isn't it okay for him?

I don't have any mates that go to gay bars, etc. so I doubt I'll ever meet anybody.

The only time I ever go into them places is if I'm smashed drunk out of my head and then I end up panicking in case I've done something that I can't remember.

 

[Prevenger17]

I came out in this thread in April 2014. Before I told my mum and dad.

In December 2013 I came out to my best mate.

He was the person who would tell me that it's okay, etc. that everything would one day work out and I'll always have him.

Only these last six months we have actually went with each other twice. He's taken it very badly and cut me out of his life. It is hard to put into words how close we actually were. Right through secondary school up until recently.

I haven't seen him in three months now and he doesn't reply to my messages.

He meant everything to me. Now it's gone.

With him being the one to say that it's okay, etc, then why isn't it okay for him?

I don't have any mates that go to gay bars, etc. so I doubt I'll ever meet anybody.

The only time I ever go into them places is if I'm smashed drunk out of my head and then I end up panicking in case I've done something that I can't remember.

You can't make your best mate's issues your own. You might have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't your friend anymore. That's sad, but happens to all of us. Stop drinking and work on your own wellbeing, and operate under the assumption that this lad isn't coming back.

Gay bars are class, if you come out to your friends, I'm sure there would be plenty of them who would be happy to accompany you, not to mention that it is perfectly possible for gay people to meet through traditional means. If some don't take it well, they're not your friends until they do. You're being crushed by your secret, put down the bottle, assemble the people who matter who you haven't already told and make it not a secret anymore.

This is all very simplistic advice, but it's all we can give you as relative strangers. You are responsible for your own happiness in the end, but you are too emotionally anchored to other people in your life to take an objective view of your situation. Telling people on here might be therapeutic but, ultimately, only you and the people in your life can make a difference to it.

 

[COYBL25]

A lot of people are, some people you'd never even guess it about. They just hide it very well.

As I said, I had a girlfriend who was honestly one of the best people you could ever meet. Nothing would ever get her down and she would always put a smile on my face. When things would go bad for her, she would always find something good at the same time. I actually really miss her being in my life. She is also an Everton fan.

She couldn't give me everything that I wanted though. When I cheated on her, it killed me. I had to end it with her, because I couldn't let her have a bad life just because I do.

Thankfully she has another boyfriend now. She seems happy from the little I see on social media.

I'm not on the gay scene at all. That's why on the rare occasions I go into gay bars, or let a gay man near me I panic like mad incase something has happened and I can't remember.

I look down on other gays. It's internalised homophobia.

As I said, my mum and dad do know. Two of my mates know. None of my others mates do or my mates in work.

When I go out, I've got to chat up girls and make it look like I'm into them. It's what they excpect me to do. I don't even think my mates would care. I care though, because the more people who know makes it more real to me, if that makes sense.

just thinking out loud mate.

Could it be that your bi, but have a stronger attraction to men ?.

This could be what's really wrecking your head ?.

There's a good lad on here who is bi @EvertonRhys I'm sure he'd be more than happy to help and offer advice.

 

[GwladysBlue]

just thinking out loud mate.

Could it be that your bi, but have a stronger attraction to men ?.

This could be what's really wrecking your head ?.

There's a good lad on here who is bi @EvertonRhys I'm sure he'd be more than happy to help and offer advice.

Nah mate, I'm gay.

I've been with a lot more women than I have men, but it's always been to make myself feel normal. Not because I actually want to do it.

It's just a really complex issue that sadly doesn't have a quick fix, if it ever does.

Hopefully one day someone will come into my life that will change everything for me.

At least Everton did their best to cheer me up today!

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I realise it isn't the easiest of things to try advise on when you can't relate to it, but it's just nice to know that others supporters of the club I love are there if needs be.

 

[EFCPaul]

Today has been a very eventful day haha.

Worked this morning and ended up being placed with the girl I like for most of my shift, working within a foot of each other and spending a long time talking and laughing. Tried numerous times to ask her out but things genuinely kept getting in the way (customers, other members of staff lurking, orders to be done, etc). Waited ages to get her alone and find the right moment.

Finally got the chance not long before we both finished and got the conversation towards plans for the week ahead. I asked her to come for a sheesha with me during the week (we both like it but go different places). She'd been telling me how she was going to be snowed down with university work and had no other plans all week other than trying to get her friend to do something with her tomorrow. I took the plunge hoping it would perk up having someone want to make plans with her but her exact response was;

"You know what Paul I would, but I have uni work to do."

That was it, she said nothing else and then went very quiet on her phone for a few minutes, clearly her mood had changed. When more customers came in not long after after that she just walked out with a goodbye or anything, it was all very weird.

I feel totally fine, I wasn't overly downhearted or anything and because I headed straight onto Goodison I quickly went back to feeling great because of the result. It's her reaction that's confused me though, not her refusal. I hope I haven't upset or angered her because that wasn't the intention at all. If she's not interested then fine, I just wanted to know so I can get it off my mind and now I do because if she wants to make plans with a friend but not with me that tells me everything really.

Spoke to my sis who says her arse has probably went because she was so taken aback, I can see her point to be honest. I'm in again with her on Wednesday and feel a bit unsure what to do now? Do I mention it to her and say if I unsettled her then I'm sorry or should I just act normal and leave it in her court? I'd honestly she'd rather have just given me a flat no than the answer and reaction she gave me, least then I'd know exactly where we stood.

 

[COYBL25]

Today has been a very eventful day haha.

Worked this morning and ended up being placed with the girl I like for most of my shift, working within a foot of each other and spending a long time talking and laughing. Tried numerous times to ask her out but things genuinely kept getting in the way (customers, other members of staff lurking, orders to be done, etc). Waited ages to get her alone and find the right moment.

Finally got the chance not long before we both finished and got the conversation towards plans for the week ahead. I asked her to come for a sheesha with me during the week (we both like it but go different places). She'd been telling me how she was going to be snowed down with university work and had no other plans all week other than trying to get her friend to do something with her tomorrow. I took the plunge hoping it would perk up having someone want to make plans with her but her exact response was;

"You know what Paul I would, but I have uni work to do."

That was it, she said nothing else and then went very quiet on her phone for a few minutes, clearly her mood had changed. When more customers came in not long after after that she just walked out with a goodbye or anything, it was all very weird.

I feel totally fine, I wasn't overly downhearted or anything and because I headed straight onto Goodison I quickly went back to feeling great because of the result. It's her reaction that's confused me though, not her refusal. I hope I haven't upset or angered her because that wasn't the intention at all. If she's not interested then fine, I just wanted to know so I can get it off my mind and now I do because if she wants to make plans with a friend but not with me that tells me everything really.

Spoke to my sis who says her arse has probably went because she was so taken aback, I can see her point to be honest. I'm in again with her on Wednesday and feel a bit unsure what to do now? Do I mention it to her and say if I unsettled her then I'm sorry or should I just act normal and leave it in her court? I'd honestly she'd rather have just given me a flat no than the answer and reaction she gave me, least then I'd know exactly where we stood.

I'd leave it for the time being. Your sis is right it could've thrown her and by the sounds of her behaviour afterwards it did.

See how she is on Wednesday and try to be as normal as you can with her, she may bring it up, she probably won't.

If she only thinks of you as a friend I'd expect her to say something along those lines, once she's had time to think about it.

Well in for asking her out - if you don't shoot you don't score

 

[EFCPaul]

I'd leave it for the time being. Your sis is right it could've thrown her and by the sounds of her behaviour afterwards it did.

See how she is on Wednesday and try to be as normal as you can with her, she may bring it up, she probably won't.

If she only thinks of you as a friend I'd expect her to say something along those lines, once she's had time to think about it.

Well in for asking her out - if you don't shoot you don't score

Exactly mate, I already feel better and view it as a big step forward in my struggle with low-confidence. I just hope it doesn't become "a thing" you know? I already feel like an outsider a lot of the time in the place, the last thing I want is people talking about me behind my back over something so stupid, hopefully that won't happen.

 

[EvertonRhys]

Nah mate, I'm gay.

I've been with a lot more women than I have men, but it's always been to make myself feel normal. Not because I actually want to do it.

It's just a really complex issue that sadly doesn't have a quick fix, if it ever does.

Hopefully one day someone will come into my life that will change everything for me.

At least Everton did their best to cheer me up today!

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I realise it isn't the easiest of things to try advise on when you can't relate to it, but it's just nice to know that others supporters of the club I love are there if needs be.

Can relate to your story mate. Had a girlfriend who I was besotted with for many years- turned out she was actually gay herself. Turned really sour that relationship. But also I'm terrible on the gay scene- sometimes run a mile, and I think that's a result of my complete lack of confidence but also fear that I don't really fit with that community either. Anyway, always feel free to PM if you need a chat.

Likewise the game did wonders for me today. After an appalling year it was my first trip to Goodison this season (debt issues meant I couldn't get close to affording the trip.) Think I picked the right one to make it to!!

 

[Naisy'sCharitableLeanings]

Thanks mate, really appreciate it.

Although my counselling is over now, I'm going to text Gemma and ask her can I come back to it.

1 hour a week, but when you can just let everything out it really helps.

She used to even hug, etc and say that things are going to get better.

I also think I need to stop drinking. It's a terrible thing for me.

Defo go back to counselling and defo cut down on the booze if you know it's a contributing factor to worsening your depression. Hope things pick up for you mate.

 

[GwladysBlue]

Can relate to your story mate. Had a girlfriend who I was besotted with for many years- turned out she was actually gay herself. Turned really sour that relationship. But also I'm terrible on the gay scene- sometimes run a mile, and I think that's a result of my complete lack of confidence but also fear that I don't really fit with that community either. Anyway, always feel free to PM if you need a chat.

Likewise the game did wonders for me today. After an appalling year it was my first trip to Goodison this season (debt issues meant I couldn't get close to affording the trip.) Think I picked the right one to make it to!!

Cheers mate.

I wouldn't say I'm not a confident person, but that makes it worse for me on the gay scene.

You will know what it can be like. Most men in gay bars just want to sleep around and that is it, I'm not like that.

The gay scene terrifies me.

Any time the slightest thing happens with another man, I wake up feeling dirty and disgusted in myself.

 

[Woolly Blue]

I care though, because the more people who know makes it
more real to me, if that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense mate.

Most men in gay bars just want to sleep around and that is it, I'm not like that.

Unless things have changed a lot on the last thirty-odd years, I'd hazard a guess and say that most men in straight bars want to sleep around too mate !

Sounds like you need to find a different way of finding Mr Right. Sadly I can't help you there, but there must be ways to do so.

 

[larbert toffee]

I came out in this thread in April 2014. Before I told my mum and dad.

In December 2013 I came out to my best mate.

He was the person who would tell me that it's okay, etc. that everything would one day work out and I'll always have him.

Only these last six months we have actually went with each other twice. He's taken it very badly and cut me out of his life. It is hard to put into words how close we actually were. Right through secondary school up until recently.

I haven't seen him in three months now and he doesn't reply to my messages.

He meant everything to me. Now it's gone.

With him being the one to say that it's okay, etc, then why isn't it okay for him?

I don't have any mates that go to gay bars, etc. so I doubt I'll ever meet anybody.

The only time I ever go into them places is if I'm smashed drunk out of my head and then I end up panicking in case I've done something that I can't remember.

Hello mate, good advice for you from others on here, just thought I'd throw my tuppence worth in, first of all these day's those who would be bothered with you being gay aren't worth bothering about, also you need to think twice about going to bars and getting smashed, firstly because it obviously stresses you having to try and remember what happened, and I am sure this is perhaps the reason why in your word's you 'wake up feeling dirty and disgusted'
Secondly being totally drunk and going to bars you are putting yourself in a really vulnerable position in terms of danger, I personally can't relate to gay bars but as a straight guy when I was young, free and single my more memorable moment's when out on the pull were when I was stone cold sober.
I hope you can work things out Blue, I'm not a professional, but a little advice and tweaking in your mindset about how you deal with your situation and I'm sure you would not be far from being in a good place.
Good luck, you will have gathered by now there are folk on here who care about there fellow blues, keep us posted.

 

[GwladysBlue]

Hello mate, good advice for you from others on here, just thought I'd throw my tuppence worth in, first of all these day's those who would be bothered with you being gay aren't worth bothering about, also you need to think twice about going to bars and getting smashed, firstly because it obviously stresses you having to try and remember what happened, and I am sure this is perhaps the reason why in your word's you 'wake up feeling dirty and disgusted'
Secondly being totally drunk and going to bars you are putting yourself in a really vulnerable position in terms of danger, I personally can't relate to gay bars but as a straight guy when I was young, free and single my more memorable moment's when out on the pull were when I was stone cold sober.
I hope you can work things out Blue, I'm not a professional, but a little advice and tweaking in your mindset about how you deal with your situation and I'm sure you would not be far from being in a good place.
Good luck, you will have gathered by now there are folk on here who care about there fellow blues, keep us posted.

Cheers mate.

I actually think I make myself not remember things to ramp up my anxiety even more.

I'll get like that at least once every two months and then I'll go around the vicious circle of thinking if someone has taken advantage of me being so drunk.

According to the frequent locations on my phone, I left the area at 05:44 and I've called a taxi at 06:01 and I was home by 06:22. That was the time my sister said I got in, too.

Mum, dad and sister have all said I said that I was going to do something with someone but then said that I'm going home instead. Which I have vague memories of. At the time of getting in, anything that happened would have been fresh in my memory.

They even said I didn't seem that drunk. I suppose the taxi driver let me in his taxi too, most of the time they just drive off if you look bladdered.

Sad thing is, the only way to lower anxiety is by exposing yourself to situations that make you anxious.

I hardly ever go to gay bars, so when I do go in them it is a huge issue for me.

 

[Groucho]

Cheers mate.

I actually think I make myself not remember things to ramp up my anxiety even more.

I'll get like that at least once every two months and then I'll go around the vicious circle of thinking if someone has taken advantage of me being so drunk.

According to the frequent locations on my phone, I left the area at 05:44 and I've called a taxi at 06:01 and I was home by 06:22. That was the time my sister said I got in, too.

Mum, dad and sister have all said I said that I was going to do something with someone but then said that I'm going home instead. Which I have vague memories of. At the time of getting in, anything that happened would have been fresh in my memory.

They even said I didn't seem that drunk. I suppose the taxi driver let me in his taxi too, most of the time they just drive off if you look bladdered.

Sad thing is, the only way to lower anxiety is by exposing yourself to situations that make you anxious.

I hardly ever go to gay bars, so when I do go in them it is a huge issue for me.

Alcohol can exacerbate anxiety too.

I'm certainly not saying don't drink (I love a pint) but moderation is key mate.

 

[GwladysBlue]

Alcohol can exacerbate anxiety too.

I'm certainly not saying don't drink (I love a pint) but moderation is key mate.

I know mate.

As I've said, I'm going on holiday with my mates in a few weeks.

Obviously it's going to be drinking both day/night, but I'm going to lie on my rounds and just get cokes or shandy.

From the age of 17 drink has always brought out the worst in me.