Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

Hogwild said:
I'm okay, thank you for asking. Being able to have the service in spite of COVID, was I think, a big plus mentally.

I was there holding her hand when my mom passed and was able to talk her through all of that and tell her how much she meant to me - even though I am positive she knew.

I wasn't able to do that for Dad and even though I told him often that I loved him, I wish I could have been there at the end to really be sure he knew and to let him know I forgave him. I also find myself really being upset that he was alone, because I'm afraid he was scared there by himself at the end (even though the paramedics assured me it was very quick). I still wish I could have been there to hold him and let him know it would be okay. In the quiet moments i think about that a lot.

Still, I have really great support from my wife and boys, and the return to routine is helpful.

I really appreciate the folks here who have been so supportive. It helps.
Click to expand...


Such a lovely post mate and you know there’ll always be someone on here to talk to if you feel the need x
 
Hi all,

As if 2020 wasn't already tough enough, in May I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for roughly a year. She says she didn't want the affair and felt trapped and unable to get out. She puts this down to her own troubles with mental health (which were unknown), and it appears she may have had post-natal depression as the affair started about 8 months after the birth of our son. The post-natal depression seems to have built on top of long standing despression and the co-worker 'appears' to have done all the leg work and almost groomed my wife into a position where she entered the affair as an escape form her troubles even though she told him she didn't want the affair and then tried to end it repeatedly. I say 'appeared' as I only have her word for it.

The whole thing has completely shook me to the core as it was so out the blue. Unsurprisingly I've entered a state of feeling extremely depressed myself in the aftermath. She ensures she loves me and wants to be with me and improve our marriage. I have had individual counselling but didn't feel it worked for me and I'm now on antidepressants from my GP. However, I'm sure if they are having much effect- I know I need to speak to my GP about this, maybe up the dosage for example. We also had some couples counselling and she is now having her own therapy to deal with her depression and hopefully give me some answers as to why this happened as "I was depressed" isn't enough for me, I need more substance so I can feel confident this will never happen again IF we stay together.

I yoyo constantly between wanting to stay and leaving. I worry about me retaliating (having an affair/fling). I worry it may happen again. I worry I'm being unfair to leave if it's due to her mental health condition. I worry I want to find the bloke and knock him out - particularly if he did manipulate her into staying when she repeatedly said she wants to end it/leave. I worry the pain I feel might get too much and cause me to do something stupid (I'm nowhere near doing anything stupid at the minute)

I guess I'm reaching out;

1) to see if anyone has unfortunately experienced a similar situation and can offer any guidance or advice
2) to ask if anyone else has used mirtazapine - did they see any improvement in their mood?
3) any other help or advice people may have.

Sorry for the essay!

TIA

UTFT
 
Marko VB said:
Hi all,

As if 2020 wasn't already tough enough, in May I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for roughly a year. She says she didn't want the affair and felt trapped and unable to get out. She puts this down to her own troubles with mental health (which were unknown), and it appears she may have had post-natal depression as the affair started about 8 months after the birth of our son. The post-natal depression seems to have built on top of long standing despression and the co-worker 'appears' to have done all the leg work and almost groomed my wife into a position where she entered the affair as an escape form her troubles even though she told him she didn't want the affair and then tried to end it repeatedly. I say 'appeared' as I only have her word for it.

The whole thing has completely shook me to the core as it was so out the blue. Unsurprisingly I've entered a state of feeling extremely depressed myself in the aftermath. She ensures she loves me and wants to be with me and improve our marriage. I have had individual counselling but didn't feel it worked for me and I'm now on antidepressants from my GP. However, I'm sure if they are having much effect- I know I need to speak to my GP about this, maybe up the dosage for example. We also had some couples counselling and she is now having her own therapy to deal with her depression and hopefully give me some answers as to why this happened as "I was depressed" isn't enough for me, I need more substance so I can feel confident this will never happen again IF we stay together.

I yoyo constantly between wanting to stay and leaving. I worry about me retaliating (having an affair/fling). I worry it may happen again. I worry I'm being unfair to leave if it's due to her mental health condition. I worry I want to find the bloke and knock him out - particularly if he did manipulate her into staying when she repeatedly said she wants to end it/leave. I worry the pain I feel might get too much and cause me to do something stupid (I'm nowhere near doing anything stupid at the minute)

I guess I'm reaching out;

1) to see if anyone has unfortunately experienced a similar situation and can offer any guidance or advice
2) to ask if anyone else has used mirtazapine - did they see any improvement in their mood?
3) any other help or advice people may have.

Sorry for the essay!

TIA

UTFT
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear mate - obviously I dont know the ins and outs but ultimately regardless of any issues your missus may have been dealing with it takes two to tango as they say - I wouldn't fully believe just the one side of the story that she was lured in so to speak.

Ultimately down to you what you think is best in the long run - its never an easy decision however for me I would walk away as I do think you'll always have that lingering doubt in your mind wondering if it may happen again.

The relationship I was in before I met my missus we pretty much both dicked around on each other however neither of us were probably in a great place and we are still mates and keep in touch - but I dont think had we stayed together it would have worked out.

My mate also had a one time fling with a colleague last xmas party and it turns out she's done it years ago with one of her bosses - meanwhile her fella hasnt a clue looking after their 3 kids at home.

Just something to ponder mate - hope you find the right answers and do whats best for you pal
 
Marko VB said:
Hi all,

As if 2020 wasn't already tough enough, in May I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for roughly a year. She says she didn't want the affair and felt trapped and unable to get out. She puts this down to her own troubles with mental health (which were unknown), and it appears she may have had post-natal depression as the affair started about 8 months after the birth of our son. The post-natal depression seems to have built on top of long standing despression and the co-worker 'appears' to have done all the leg work and almost groomed my wife into a position where she entered the affair as an escape form her troubles even though she told him she didn't want the affair and then tried to end it repeatedly. I say 'appeared' as I only have her word for it.

The whole thing has completely shook me to the core as it was so out the blue. Unsurprisingly I've entered a state of feeling extremely depressed myself in the aftermath. She ensures she loves me and wants to be with me and improve our marriage. I have had individual counselling but didn't feel it worked for me and I'm now on antidepressants from my GP. However, I'm sure if they are having much effect- I know I need to speak to my GP about this, maybe up the dosage for example. We also had some couples counselling and she is now having her own therapy to deal with her depression and hopefully give me some answers as to why this happened as "I was depressed" isn't enough for me, I need more substance so I can feel confident this will never happen again IF we stay together.

I yoyo constantly between wanting to stay and leaving. I worry about me retaliating (having an affair/fling). I worry it may happen again. I worry I'm being unfair to leave if it's due to her mental health condition. I worry I want to find the bloke and knock him out - particularly if he did manipulate her into staying when she repeatedly said she wants to end it/leave. I worry the pain I feel might get too much and cause me to do something stupid (I'm nowhere near doing anything stupid at the minute)

I guess I'm reaching out;

1) to see if anyone has unfortunately experienced a similar situation and can offer any guidance or advice
2) to ask if anyone else has used mirtazapine - did they see any improvement in their mood?
3) any other help or advice people may have.

Sorry for the essay!

TIA

UTFT
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear about your woes mate on top of an already crappy year. It's refreshing to hear you and your wife are looking into both individual and group therapy to resolve your issues. How long have your couples sessions been going on and do you think you're getting any answers? I can strongly recommend, and I'm sure everyone else on here will agree, that retaliation of any kind (affair/approaching the guy) is definitely not going to help you, your wife or your marriage.

Do they still work together? As I can imagine this would be uncomfortable and play on your mind. I'm sure if my missus cheated on me I wouldn't want her seeing that person ever again but of course you can't ask her to switch jobs. Do you both/the counsellor consider what she said he did as maybe an actual offence in the end and to discuss with her bosses?

All you can really do is evaluate how much you trust her words, how much you believe the counselling will help & how much you prioritise the family status quo over your own feelings.

I'm personally not a big advocate of anti-depressants as I don't think that's addressing any issues - especially if you keep upping dosage - but everyone has their own path to follow.

Hopefully you're on the mend though and fingers crossed your marriage sorts itself out in due time.
 
Sorry to hear, me personally id never trust them again

depression isnt a excuse to cheat she needs to own up and stop playing the victim card about it all IMO ( i dont mean about being depressed i mean about sort of being forced to cheat)

could be slightly harsh, but a leapord never changes its spots and that...

good luck
 
Marko VB said:
Hi all,

As if 2020 wasn't already tough enough, in May I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for roughly a year. She says she didn't want the affair and felt trapped and unable to get out. She puts this down to her own troubles with mental health (which were unknown), and it appears she may have had post-natal depression as the affair started about 8 months after the birth of our son. The post-natal depression seems to have built on top of long standing despression and the co-worker 'appears' to have done all the leg work and almost groomed my wife into a position where she entered the affair as an escape form her troubles even though she told him she didn't want the affair and then tried to end it repeatedly. I say 'appeared' as I only have her word for it.

The whole thing has completely shook me to the core as it was so out the blue. Unsurprisingly I've entered a state of feeling extremely depressed myself in the aftermath. She ensures she loves me and wants to be with me and improve our marriage. I have had individual counselling but didn't feel it worked for me and I'm now on antidepressants from my GP. However, I'm sure if they are having much effect- I know I need to speak to my GP about this, maybe up the dosage for example. We also had some couples counselling and she is now having her own therapy to deal with her depression and hopefully give me some answers as to why this happened as "I was depressed" isn't enough for me, I need more substance so I can feel confident this will never happen again IF we stay together.

I yoyo constantly between wanting to stay and leaving. I worry about me retaliating (having an affair/fling). I worry it may happen again. I worry I'm being unfair to leave if it's due to her mental health condition. I worry I want to find the bloke and knock him out - particularly if he did manipulate her into staying when she repeatedly said she wants to end it/leave. I worry the pain I feel might get too much and cause me to do something stupid (I'm nowhere near doing anything stupid at the minute)

I guess I'm reaching out;

1) to see if anyone has unfortunately experienced a similar situation and can offer any guidance or advice
2) to ask if anyone else has used mirtazapine - did they see any improvement in their mood?
3) any other help or advice people may have.

Sorry for the essay!

TIA

UTFT
Click to expand...
So much can be said about your current situation.
Blame, trust, retaliation ,will she do it again ,if it was the other way round?
No relationship is perfect.
Once bitten, twice shy?

It's up to you mate,if you really love her ?

I know people who have forgiven and forgotten.

Good luck
 
Marko VB said:
Hi all,

As if 2020 wasn't already tough enough, in May I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for roughly a year. She says she didn't want the affair and felt trapped and unable to get out. She puts this down to her own troubles with mental health (which were unknown), and it appears she may have had post-natal depression as the affair started about 8 months after the birth of our son. The post-natal depression seems to have built on top of long standing despression and the co-worker 'appears' to have done all the leg work and almost groomed my wife into a position where she entered the affair as an escape form her troubles even though she told him she didn't want the affair and then tried to end it repeatedly. I say 'appeared' as I only have her word for it.

The whole thing has completely shook me to the core as it was so out the blue. Unsurprisingly I've entered a state of feeling extremely depressed myself in the aftermath. She ensures she loves me and wants to be with me and improve our marriage. I have had individual counselling but didn't feel it worked for me and I'm now on antidepressants from my GP. However, I'm sure if they are having much effect- I know I need to speak to my GP about this, maybe up the dosage for example. We also had some couples counselling and she is now having her own therapy to deal with her depression and hopefully give me some answers as to why this happened as "I was depressed" isn't enough for me, I need more substance so I can feel confident this will never happen again IF we stay together.

I yoyo constantly between wanting to stay and leaving. I worry about me retaliating (having an affair/fling). I worry it may happen again. I worry I'm being unfair to leave if it's due to her mental health condition. I worry I want to find the bloke and knock him out - particularly if he did manipulate her into staying when she repeatedly said she wants to end it/leave. I worry the pain I feel might get too much and cause me to do something stupid (I'm nowhere near doing anything stupid at the minute)

I guess I'm reaching out;

1) to see if anyone has unfortunately experienced a similar situation and can offer any guidance or advice
2) to ask if anyone else has used mirtazapine - did they see any improvement in their mood?
3) any other help or advice people may have.

Sorry for the essay!

TIA

UTFT
Click to expand...
Nothing to add pal, just hope you find peace with a decision soon.
 
Marko VB said:
Hi all,

As if 2020 wasn't already tough enough, in May I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for roughly a year. She says she didn't want the affair and felt trapped and unable to get out. She puts this down to her own troubles with mental health (which were unknown), and it appears she may have had post-natal depression as the affair started about 8 months after the birth of our son. The post-natal depression seems to have built on top of long standing despression and the co-worker 'appears' to have done all the leg work and almost groomed my wife into a position where she entered the affair as an escape form her troubles even though she told him she didn't want the affair and then tried to end it repeatedly. I say 'appeared' as I only have her word for it.

The whole thing has completely shook me to the core as it was so out the blue. Unsurprisingly I've entered a state of feeling extremely depressed myself in the aftermath. She ensures she loves me and wants to be with me and improve our marriage. I have had individual counselling but didn't feel it worked for me and I'm now on antidepressants from my GP. However, I'm sure if they are having much effect- I know I need to speak to my GP about this, maybe up the dosage for example. We also had some couples counselling and she is now having her own therapy to deal with her depression and hopefully give me some answers as to why this happened as "I was depressed" isn't enough for me, I need more substance so I can feel confident this will never happen again IF we stay together.

I yoyo constantly between wanting to stay and leaving. I worry about me retaliating (having an affair/fling). I worry it may happen again. I worry I'm being unfair to leave if it's due to her mental health condition. I worry I want to find the bloke and knock him out - particularly if he did manipulate her into staying when she repeatedly said she wants to end it/leave. I worry the pain I feel might get too much and cause me to do something stupid (I'm nowhere near doing anything stupid at the minute)

I guess I'm reaching out;

1) to see if anyone has unfortunately experienced a similar situation and can offer any guidance or advice
2) to ask if anyone else has used mirtazapine - did they see any improvement in their mood?
3) any other help or advice people may have.

Sorry for the essay!

TIA

UTFT
Click to expand...
Hi mate . I went through a very similar experience recently. She promised me it was over with her work colleague but she never really ended it.
They carried on working together as well which I think doomed our marriage.
We are recently divorced.
My story doesn't mean you can't fix your marriage though mate. That's just my personal experience.
My head is still messed up now from the divorce as I've lost absolutely everything I worked so hard for including my house( I'm now in a 6 man bedsit) and my 15 year old daughter who I very rarely see.
Work has kept me going to be honest as I struggle otherwise.
Good luck mate. I hope you save your marriage. Remember there is always someone on here if you need to talk.
 
Marko VB said:
Hi all,

As if 2020 wasn't already tough enough, in May I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for roughly a year. She says she didn't want the affair and felt trapped and unable to get out. She puts this down to her own troubles with mental health (which were unknown), and it appears she may have had post-natal depression as the affair started about 8 months after the birth of our son. The post-natal depression seems to have built on top of long standing despression and the co-worker 'appears' to have done all the leg work and almost groomed my wife into a position where she entered the affair as an escape form her troubles even though she told him she didn't want the affair and then tried to end it repeatedly. I say 'appeared' as I only have her word for it.

The whole thing has completely shook me to the core as it was so out the blue. Unsurprisingly I've entered a state of feeling extremely depressed myself in the aftermath. She ensures she loves me and wants to be with me and improve our marriage. I have had individual counselling but didn't feel it worked for me and I'm now on antidepressants from my GP. However, I'm sure if they are having much effect- I know I need to speak to my GP about this, maybe up the dosage for example. We also had some couples counselling and she is now having her own therapy to deal with her depression and hopefully give me some answers as to why this happened as "I was depressed" isn't enough for me, I need more substance so I can feel confident this will never happen again IF we stay together.

I yoyo constantly between wanting to stay and leaving. I worry about me retaliating (having an affair/fling). I worry it may happen again. I worry I'm being unfair to leave if it's due to her mental health condition. I worry I want to find the bloke and knock him out - particularly if he did manipulate her into staying when she repeatedly said she wants to end it/leave. I worry the pain I feel might get too much and cause me to do something stupid (I'm nowhere near doing anything stupid at the minute)

I guess I'm reaching out;

1) to see if anyone has unfortunately experienced a similar situation and can offer any guidance or advice
2) to ask if anyone else has used mirtazapine - did they see any improvement in their mood?
3) any other help or advice people may have.

Sorry for the essay!

TIA

UTFT
Click to expand...
Marko sorry to hear about the rubbish time your going through. First thing medication. Anti depressants take between 3-5 weeks to start working therapeutically. If after that you have your doubts, see your GP and they may increase your side or, prescribe different ones. Psychotropic medication are very much horse's for courses and you may need to try a number before finding the right ones. Let GP know about any " unwanted " side effects.

Marko I respectfully suggest your question is a rhetorical one. You have a very hard decision to make as does your partner. You know she's been unfaithful and the questions - will she do it again? / Can I trust her or do I believe her? She might think " do I want to live with Marko with him " beating me up " with you've been unfaithful, it's your fault " all the time. If you love her, and she says she loves you, well you can give it a go. Will you be happy, will your mental health deteriorate with you being unable the cope with her deception. No one on here Marko knows her better than you. I'm being brutally honest Marko, but what would trouble me is why she couldn't confide in you in the first place. I'm struggling mentally Marko, I need help sort of thing. Love is unconditional, regardless of how bad it is you expect your partner to talk and discuss things. If you dicide to stay together, continue couple therapy and have a " brutally honest get it out in the open " chat. Tell her how much she's hurt you and how you want honesty. If she - or you ,- are not happy, tell each other. NO DECEIT. At least you could part with a degree of dignity. I can't make a decision for you, you've got to make it yourself Marko but what you can INSIST on is honesty. Get things out in the open, the good and bad things you like about each other and agree on the HONESTY part mate. People can be unhappy, it is part of life, but deceit is particularly hurtfull as it conceils a lack of respect. Good luck Marko, you have a hard decision to make but insist on honesty in your relationship, it means the person respects you. Take care and good luck m8, I hope you find peace of mind.
 
Marko VB said:
Hi all,

As if 2020 wasn't already tough enough, in May I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for roughly a year. She says she didn't want the affair and felt trapped and unable to get out. She puts this down to her own troubles with mental health (which were unknown), and it appears she may have had post-natal depression as the affair started about 8 months after the birth of our son. The post-natal depression seems to have built on top of long standing despression and the co-worker 'appears' to have done all the leg work and almost groomed my wife into a position where she entered the affair as an escape form her troubles even though she told him she didn't want the affair and then tried to end it repeatedly. I say 'appeared' as I only have her word for it.

The whole thing has completely shook me to the core as it was so out the blue. Unsurprisingly I've entered a state of feeling extremely depressed myself in the aftermath. She ensures she loves me and wants to be with me and improve our marriage. I have had individual counselling but didn't feel it worked for me and I'm now on antidepressants from my GP. However, I'm sure if they are having much effect- I know I need to speak to my GP about this, maybe up the dosage for example. We also had some couples counselling and she is now having her own therapy to deal with her depression and hopefully give me some answers as to why this happened as "I was depressed" isn't enough for me, I need more substance so I can feel confident this will never happen again IF we stay together.

I yoyo constantly between wanting to stay and leaving. I worry about me retaliating (having an affair/fling). I worry it may happen again. I worry I'm being unfair to leave if it's due to her mental health condition. I worry I want to find the bloke and knock him out - particularly if he did manipulate her into staying when she repeatedly said she wants to end it/leave. I worry the pain I feel might get too much and cause me to do something stupid (I'm nowhere near doing anything stupid at the minute)

I guess I'm reaching out;

1) to see if anyone has unfortunately experienced a similar situation and can offer any guidance or advice
2) to ask if anyone else has used mirtazapine - did they see any improvement in their mood?
3) any other help or advice people may have.

Sorry for the essay!

TIA

UTFT
Click to expand...
Hi Marko I sympathise with everything you're going through. I'm sure you've been through hell from May living with this and I applaud and commend your courage for speaking up. I can also tell you love your wife from your message, but how do you honestly feel about her now? . Do you trust her? How do you feel when she's out or late home? How do you feel about yourself still being with her? Are you trying to ignore what's happened? Is she intimidating? Does she play on your love and kindness? I hope I don't sound cruel or nosey, I'm just worried how you're feeling now and later. You've done nothing wrong but you've been wronged. The reason I ask these questions is because my wife also has suffered from serious depression and post natal depression for 20yrs and its so tough at times that you want to give up but honestly friend there's never been any adultery. I know we're all different but I hope Marko she's not playing on your caring and loving heart to excuse her and the hurt and pain shes caused you and your innocent little son. What ever you decide mate there's always someone hear to talk to you're NEVER alone. Your sons got a great caring dad look after him and good luck with whatever decision you come too God bless and don't be afraid to post or pm anytime.
 
Earwigjoe said:
Hi Marko I sympathise with everything you're going through. I'm sure you've been through hell from May living with this and I applaud and commend your courage for speaking up. I can also tell you love your wife from your message, but how do you honestly feel about her now? . Do you trust her? How do you feel when she's out or late home? How do you feel about yourself still being with her? Are you trying to ignore what's happened? Is she intimidating? Does she play on your love and kindness? I hope I don't sound cruel or nosey, I'm just worried how you're feeling now and later. You've done nothing wrong but you've been wronged. The reason I ask these questions is because my wife also has suffered from serious depression and post natal depression for 20yrs and its so tough at times that you want to give up but honestly friend there's never been any adultery. I know we're all different but I hope Marko she's not playing on your caring and loving heart to excuse her and the hurt and pain shes caused you and your innocent little son. What ever you decide mate there's always someone hear to talk to you're NEVER alone. Your sons got a great caring dad look after him and good luck with whatever decision you come too God bless and don't be afraid to post or pm anytime.
Click to expand...
Earwigjoe, great post that. Every relationship is different and as such the same " rules " don't apply. That why I said I thought it was a rhetorical question, as Marko will know there are pros and cons of any decision he had to make. His boy is the main priority really, but as we know in desperations divorces children - if they're bold enough to understand - internalise things and blame themselves. Horrible decision Marko has and we can only wish him the best.
 
dave n said:
Hi mate . I went through a very similar experience recently. She promised me it was over with her work colleague but she never really ended it.
They carried on working together as well which I think doomed our marriage.
We are recently divorced.
My story doesn't mean you can't fix your marriage though mate. That's just my personal experience.
My head is still messed up now from the divorce as I've lost absolutely everything I worked so hard for including my house( I'm now in a 6 man bedsit) and my 15 year old daughter who I very rarely see.
Work has kept me going to be honest as I struggle otherwise.
Good luck mate. I hope you save your marriage. Remember there is always someone on here if you need to talk.
Click to expand...
Good of you to be supportive Dave, especially as it sounds as though you've been through the ringer yourself. I always refer to a quote from Oscar Wilde who said " the only thing that spoils your plans in life is life itself ". The amount of times I've thought everything is ok and then, bam, it's like someone's saying " that's it !, you ve been happy long enough, deal with this if you can "! Think I'd learnt my lesson by now. Take care.
 
Earwigjoe said:
Hi Marko I sympathise with everything you're going through. I'm sure you've been through hell from May living with this and I applaud and commend your courage for speaking up. I can also tell you love your wife from your message, but how do you honestly feel about her now? . Do you trust her? How do you feel when she's out or late home? How do you feel about yourself still being with her? Are you trying to ignore what's happened? Is she intimidating? Does she play on your love and kindness? I hope I don't sound cruel or nosey, I'm just worried how you're feeling now and later. You've done nothing wrong but you've been wronged. The reason I ask these questions is because my wife also has suffered from serious depression and post natal depression for 20yrs and its so tough at times that you want to give up but honestly friend there's never been any adultery. I know we're all different but I hope Marko she's not playing on your caring and loving heart to excuse her and the hurt and pain shes caused you and your innocent little son. What ever you decide mate there's always someone hear to talk to you're NEVER alone. Your sons got a great caring dad look after him and good luck with whatever decision you come too God bless and don't be afraid to post or pm anytime.
Click to expand...

Really great post that.

@Marko VB - Earwig is right, don‘t ever think you are alone. There are people here willing to listen and people who want to help. Always. Regardless of how things work out with the missus you have been blessed with your boy and I promise he will look up to and adore you as his dad.
 

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