So, this is quite difficult to post. I sent a similar message to all of my friends last week, and thankfully, the support they offered me without hesitation was incredible.
Even in the dark, there is light.
About 6 years ago, I met the woman that I thought I was going to marry. We had the same interests, objectives, beliefs and fears; even mutual peripheral friends. I fancied the pants off her. No way could I have had my perfect woman message me and want to meet up.
She did, we met up and within 2-3 months, we had moved in together. The alarm bells should have rung when she checked facebook messages between me and one of my best mates about our first "liaison" and kicked off with me for being "disrespectful"
Nonetheless, I moved along, being in the first flushes of love.
Maybe the time that she confronted me about the dating sites (one of which was the one I met her on) that I still had password to, but never used.
Soon after we got a flat together, a debate about the events of 9/11 culminated in a glass being thrown at me across the room.
In the intervening years, I was repeatedly told how "devious & untrustworthy" I was. I defended myself and promised, truthfully, that she was the one for me, and I had eyes for no other.
Occasionally, arguments would get totally out of hand and she would wrestle me to the ground, kicking, punching and biting. Her debating "tactic" was to shout over anything I had to say, then on her terms "allow" or instruct me to speak. Things would escalate and I would end up being punched, slapped or screamed at. I am not, and have never been a fighter. I'd much rather walk away or diffuse the situation. As rows got more heated, and the violence escalated, I would either leave the house, blockade myself in the bedroom, or stay with my Ma or my sister until things calmed down.
On my return, I would be the bad guy for "fleeing" an argument, and made to believe that I was the one in the wrong.
Once she had wised up to this, she would follow me to the bedroom, bathroom or wherever, cornering me in a room and being incredibly verbally aggressive and abusive. Every single time I walked back in the door, I would encounter a frightened little girl (her) who was bullied at both primary and secondary school and lost her dad very suddenly to a heart attack at the age of 21. I'm a gentle soul and see the best in everyone, and for 2 or 3 years reasoned that her justification was perfectly legitimate.
Slowly but surely, the violence escalated. Slaps became punches; every time it was due to my "shitty attitude" or not being able to answer appropriately. Every time it was down to me. Every time I walked away, I would come home to get things and see the woman I loved crying, looking like a "frightened little girl" Every time, I went back.
I worked away as a site manager for 6 months in Essex, 200 miles away. The job was high pressure and under a strict time limit. As a result, I had to work for between 100 & 120 hours per week. Whenever I rang her late, I was accused of cheating on or lying to her. I resorted to video calling her from site as I locked up to assuage her doubts. The one time that I was genuinely worried about her and sent my mum to our house to check she was OK, she went ballistic at me.
Whenever I got home, she would check my wallet and phone (unbeknownst to me) to ensure that I hadn't been cheating.
The obstruction during arguments became so aggressive that I would have to force my way past her to get out of the house and occasionally result on bruises on her arms ( From holding her off me of trying to get away from the situation ) Every time, I would get pictures of the "injuries" that I had "caused" sent to me on whatsapp.
Other incidents include a glass being smashed over my head, mugs, phones, glasses, my work laptop, being thrown at me and destroyed. Every time it would be my "fault" for "winding her up", "pushing the right buttons" or bringing back the bullying that she had suffered.
My mum, sister, aunt all told me that things would only escalate and get worse. Stupidly I kept going back.
Last week, after attending a pub quiz, during which I was accused of "eyeing up the barmaid" then called a "f-Ing idiot" for having too many house keys for her to drunkenly find the right one, she headbutted me, which broke my nose, then sat in front of the door to stop me from fleeing.
After numerous similar incidents, I rang the non-emergency police helpline and reported her assault.
Due to the nature of the allegation, the police were obliged to investigate and advised me that if I did not make a statement and she gave a different story, I would most likely be arrested. As a result I spent several hours in the police station describing our relationship and the various instances of violence that had occurred, even showing the photos of bruises that I had "inflicted"
Fortunately, I stumbled across some video filmed in the early hours of Boxing day demonstrating her aggression and furnished the police with it.
Going though that kind of mess with a total stranger, about somebody that you love is an incredibly difficult and emotionally draining experience. At the end, they concluded that I had been in an abusive relationship, something that deep down, I already knew. The process of describing what had happened refocused my mind, relived the events, but still left me incredibly conflicted
She has been asked in for questioning tomorrow, and has set her own narrative of events working in her favour, whilst making me responsible for her behaviour.
I am not ashamed to share this, as NONE of this is my fault, and I have just been unfortunate enough to have met an utter nut job. I feel stupid for allowing things to escalate, and for going back to that same old BS time and time again.
If it happens to you, speak up and don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, because you have done nothing wrong. I'm OK and have a fantastic network of friends, who despite not seeing me for the past few years have got my back and are there for me.
Men are not the only people who abuse, and there is absolutely no stigma to being the victim of it. If you are suffering, don't do what I did for 3 + years and accept it. Report it!!!. It is not acceptable and is just as bad and awful as when it's the other way around. Thanks.
