My wife died suddenly, and I'm not doing well...


Really sorry to hear absolutely the worst thing anybody can go through.

If I can give some advice from personal experience (not that it’s probably worth much) give yourself as much time to grieve as you can and don’t do it alone because you can think you’re over it before you’ve even come to terms with it.

Don’t get too stressed out or angry with the systems and people that really don’t care what’s happened when you get around to going through the inhuman admin that comes with tragedies like this. GP’s, banks, registry offices and all that stuff are inherently useless but they’re not being intentionally callous and there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. I learned the last one the hard way.

All the best mate.
 
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@KaiserEFC has said, you'll be inundated by admin which will make you angry. Funnily enough, it can also be a blanket over the flames forr a bit. When my partner ddied five years ago, I found that there were physical changes ... wierd indigestion, complete loss of appetite, odd sleeping patterns ... that may or may not affect you too. Be very, very kind to yourself. If you need to sleep at noon, damn well sleep!

Stupidly, I decided that whisky would be a good way to block out the hurt. It really doesn't work well long term!

Lastly, there is no "one size fits all" answer to the loss. You may want to take bits of advice from various sources and knit them together, or ignore everyone and forrge your own path. Do whatever feels right for you in your circumstances and with your personality. You're on a horribly hard path but others can walk with you even if they can't walk for you.

God bles.
 

@Pilks I'm lucky enough that I've never been through any kind of loss like you've experienced so I can't even imagine the pain you're feeling right now.

The only advice I would give is that if you have no immediate family to help you through this, make sure you say yes to absolutely anyone that is there to offer any help. It will be far too easy to withdraw yourself and allow some very dark feeling take over. Please don't let that happen.

If you have friends or work colleagues that can offer any kind of help, support or comfort then make sure you stay close to them. Things will obviously be awful for you at the moment but time is a healer and you will eventually come to terms with this tragedy.

My sincere condolences 💔
 
Huge thanks to everyone who has rallied round and commented here, and to the PMs (I WILL reply, honest!). I'm not sure when this is ever meant to get easier, but at this point in time I just cannot imagine how it will. The biggest issue I think is that after so many years in the roles of carer and cared for, we became so massively co-dependent emotionally as well as physically, that it sometimes felt it was just us against the world, and now it's just me it's impossible to be an independent entity again. For the first time ever, I finally understand how Broken Heart Syndrome is a thing, and people die soon after losing their lifetime partner...
 
Pilks said:
Huge thanks to everyone who has rallied round and commented here, and to the PMs (I WILL reply, honest!). I'm not sure when this is ever meant to get easier, but at this point in time I just cannot imagine how it will. The biggest issue I think is that after so many years in the roles of carer and cared for, we became so massively co-dependent emotionally as well as physically, that it sometimes felt it was just us against the world, and now it's just me it's impossible to be an independent entity again. For the first time ever, I finally understand how Broken Heart Syndrome is a thing, and people die soon after losing their lifetime partner...
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After reading your post, I sensed you'd have a hell of a time dealing with that. Seriously @Pilks, when the time is right and if you can...get yourself a shelter pup. As long as you're not allergic I think it'll do you a world of good. I'm no expert but, if it doesn't, you can call me a red.

teacup-yorkie-poos.webp
 
Pilks said:
Huge thanks to everyone who has rallied round and commented here, and to the PMs (I WILL reply, honest!). I'm not sure when this is ever meant to get easier, but at this point in time I just cannot imagine how it will. The biggest issue I think is that after so many years in the roles of carer and cared for, we became so massively co-dependent emotionally as well as physically, that it sometimes felt it was just us against the world, and now it's just me it's impossible to be an independent entity again. For the first time ever, I finally understand how Broken Heart Syndrome is a thing, and people die soon after losing their lifetime partner...
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I think it is totally normal to think that way whilst it is still so raw. We humans are stronger than you think though and we can adapt, what seems impossible just becomes the new normal.

This does need a willingness to get to that point, as others have mentioned, the first step is you need to care for yourself to be able to emerge out from the grieving period. I'm sure your good wife would not want you to mourn for the rest of your life, just as if you went first you'd not want that for her. In a way you have to try and live life for both of you now. Do the things you wanted to do together, as she'll still be with you when you do them. Take up hobbies and interests you might not have had time to do in the past, there is still joy to be found in life when you're ready.
 

Gwladys St. Glory said:
After reading your post, I sensed you'd have a hell of a time dealing with that. Seriously @Pilks, when the time is right and if you can...get yourself a shelter pup. As long as you're not allergic I think it'll do you a world of good. I'm no expert but, if it doesn't, you can call me a red.

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Trouble with pets is that we have such a strong bonded history with them. She was always a dog person, and when we moved in together I inherited her Chow Chow dog. We always had more chows, until recent years when we had three at once. Dogs were her 'children' she always said. They all died in consecutive years, and by that time she couldn't get on the floor to cuddle or groom them, so we adopted a cat instead, a house cat, aged 14, so that it would climb onto her chair and the bed and she could stroke it. The cat died three weeks ago, and she was inconsolable. She had already found another one online at the RSPCA to adopt, and we were due to go and see it next Monday. She already loved it and would constantly watch videos they sent. Any pet now would be a constant and devastating reminder, because I would know how much she would have adored it. I love dogs and cats, but I just can't... It would break me
 

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