Swansea vs Everton

When the going gets tough, the tough get going going. Tough. Tough. Huh huh huh.

And we’re all sat here contemplating another reverse down in that there Wales on this fine spring weekend. Is this what we’ve come to? Expecting to roll over to Swansea City?

It’s not the apocalypse just now as widely predicted, we’re just coming into a massive massive week. We are still in the cup and still in with a 7th place finish in the league. There’s just no more leeway.

For all the arse kissing going on with Moyes over the ten years at Everton, and it should be acknowledged as it’s been a great achievement with a virtually zero net spend (kopite alarm sounding there), we’ve sh*t it at the vital hurdle too many times. This week is pivotal, win both games and we’re back in business. Lose them both and you really wonder where the good ship Everton is heading in the immediate future.

Here’s how you prove you’re one of the best managers in the league: take the next two games by the scruff of the throat and win the game. We’ve got better players so it comes down to how we approach the game.

Arsenal was dull. It looked like they were going to sex us all over the show then in fairness we had a go second half. The obvious problem is that we have the penetration of a eighty two year old and them goals win them games. Can we sack off the total football experiment with Fellaini and Cahill too please? It’s dour.

Swansea have done better than many expected and sit above us in eighth place in the league. Well done them indeed as it’s the usual trend for the new clubs to start bright and tail off in the second half of the season. They’ve done it while sticking to their footballing principles which is absolute cat nip for the assorted bells in the media who’ve been tripping over themselves to describe a two foot pass from one of their four foot midfielders as being Ajaxesque.

They’re very much a difficult proposition at the Liberty Stadium where they don’t give away points too cheaply. They’re also on a fine three game winning run where they’ve beat Wigan and Fulham away and City at home. Hopefully this will be the catalyst for their manager to follow trend and rest six players for our game.

As I’ve pointed out before, there’s something not right about Brendan Rodger’s looks. We’ve already established that his eyes are about one inch too far apart but there’s something else I can’t put my finger on. Is it another feature that adds to his general weirdness or does he look like someone or something familiar? Any help you can give on this will be much appreciated.

For those of you heading down that way for the game you’re in for a treat. South Wales is all about levels of sh*t and random ace things all wrapped up in a veritable pita bread of anti English hostility. Brothers in arms for some on here. Newport welcomes you over the border if you´re on the road which is as bad as it gets, imagine Birkenhead on a bad day. Cardiff is next which is a fantastic night out and a city that doesn´t get it´s due as a place to visit. Bridgend is next port of call where the women have bigger forearms and more tattoos than the men. Swiftly pass Port Talbot where you wake up to the birds coughing from the steel works and down to Swansea. Tidy. Everything’s tidy mush.

I unashamedly like the people down there. Whereas the North Waleans seemingly can’t stomach the scouse hordes turning up to camp on their land, the South Welsh are as friendly as they come. Good people for bevvying with I’ve found. Obviously ten pints of (Strong)bo(w) later they’re either wanting to fight you or mate with you, male or female. If you’re after the culinary delights then I highly recommend a rissole or a Lewis’ pie. They’re a happy sort at the moment as the Welsh rugby team are as a good as any I’ve ever seen and are likely to stay that way. If you’re willing to overlook the fascination with bushy sidebearns on anyone (male or female) over the age of 31 then it’s a pleasant away day as you’re likely to get. Sure there’s more than a whiff of male ear rings and wanna be Danny Dwyer but it’s offset by the easiness of their women who are fantastically mucky.

They’ve got one or two lads who can play. Up front they’re headed by Danny Graham who is competent at holding the ball up and scoring a few goals, he’s serviced usually by their customary little nippy f*cks on the wing in Sinclair and Routledge.

Midfield is where they usually do really well. Sigurdsson is doing a good impression of an arl Cahill with his ability to score timely goals. Britton and Allen are good in possession and playing them four yard passes that seem to be so en vogue. Hey, if it works for Barcelona.

I’ve got a suggestion here. Sometimes we spend too much of our time worrying about the opposition and doing our game plan according to what they may do. I´m reading through this list of players and they’re really not all that. I’ve not even come to the defence and I’m not going to. We need to get the f*ck into them from the off. Our midfield can out power and out pass them. Two up front and Pienaar and Drenthe on the wings are likely to get something out of that defence. F*ck this timid apprehensive approach. Where’s the cavalier Everton? Brutalise their nannas, rape their villages and just get the job f*cking done.

As for who were gonna play well that’s the bit that worries me. With our new era of squad rotation it won’t have escaped Moyes’ attention that we have the mid week game against Sunderland so although the team against Arsenal picked itself I’m expecting one or two changes.

I would desperately like to see Jelavic and Stracquilarsi start up front together. Still very early for Jelavic but he does seem to have quality about him. He is not going to do what we need him to playing up front on his own. The Argentinian is not a long term answer here but will run himself into the ground and be a good foil for Jelavic, who needs to stay on his feet more. We don’t do that sh*t at Everton.

Drenthe is boss. Sometimes he’s not like but he’s something unpredictable and he’s gonna win us some games. He needs to tear the arse about their full backs like he’s capable of. I’ve been thinking he might actually be a decent option up front, as partner for one of the two of the aforementioned grocks.

Pienaar has gone off the boil a bit which won’t win him the permanent contract we both want. Still time for his to pick it up, when he’s on the ball and in the mood our football is so much better because of it. Don’t be surprised to see Osman rested for Gibson who’s fit for this game. Fellaini will partner one of them any way.

It should be Heitinga and Distin but we’ll see, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that one of them will be rested for Jagielka as Moyes must have 20% of his win bonus or something. Baines has been looking generally disinterested despite still being ace and our right back position continues as it has been for a good five years now to be underwhelming. Coleman needs a run out here, why not?

A defining week then if there ever was one. We´re expecting the worse but Everton can make your heart go whooooah when they play like arl arses and get the points.

So as rather craply put it’s down to us and what we do on the day. This isn’t a Walter Smith squad of players (who came unstuck in a north east quarter final) so we won’t be playing five at the back and Chadwick up front. We’ve got some ace players.

No better time to prove it.

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