Great, just what we need. A trip to bell central.

The only consistency this season has been our inconsistency. Any sign of momentum was wiped away with a dogturd of a performance to wipe out any remaining hopes from our season. I´m fuming, you´re fuming, everyone´s fuming apart from the lazy teds who will sleep comfortably in their MTV mansions.

In the cold hard light of day we know have to ensure that we´re still a Premiership club next season, and that starts reet up north in St James Park (@sportsdirect.com).

Newcastle are three points ahead of us in the league. Not bad at all as the quality of the squad they brought up was expected to struggle. They done a job on us at Goodison earlier in the season and will fancy their chances to make it a double.

Many of us have never forgiven the beauts for their brand of self absorbed zany when they put together a decent team in the mid nineties, their kopite love in and trying to look down their noses at us which didn´t help/last. Away from the fusball though they´re near enough always quite sound, and have wonderfully filthy females as an apt bonus. Celebrity fans include Ant & Dec, Tony Blair & Raoul Moat.

The team has been effective this season rather than stunning, that Tiote is a decent player who does good work in the middle and they also have their snidey grocks, like Nolan. And the arse showing Barton, who´s a blue but a tit. Stephen Ireland, the little upside down headed beaut, is also in line to make his début.

The club showed their media savvy by getting knocked out of the cup so they could bury the bad news of Fellaini being out for the season. Cahill is injured so the line up could be anything, but likely to contain Saha and Beckford up front. Maybe they should carshare just in case, Beckford driving of course. With Sat Nav. Rodwell is likely to be a shoe in for Fellaini if not then prepare to groan as Heitinga runs about the midfield like the neighbourhood dog that barks loads but sh*ts it and runs away when you stamp your foot.

Only Everton can make you feel this way. Don´t lie, you still love them.