Kinnear Press Conference! HAHA

[GrandOldTeam]

Premier League: Newcastle's Joe Kinnear: 'I have had a million pages of crap written about me. I'm ridiculed for no reason. I'm defenceless' | Football | The Guardian

The following is an edited transcript of Newcastle interim manager Joe Kinnear's first official press conference yesterday
JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?
SB Me.
JK You're a ****.
SB Thank you.
JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.
SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn't actually say that. Have you read it?
JK I've fucking read it, I've read it.
SB It doesn't say that. Have you read it?
JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.
SB Have you read it, it doesn't say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.
JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance.
SB You read the copy? It doesn't say that you didn't know.
JK What about the headline, you think that's a good headline?
SB I didn't write the headline, you read the copy.
JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.
SB So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn't. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?
JK It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain't got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?
SB No, you can listen to who you want.
JK I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.
SB Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.
JK No, no, no. I didn't want to do it. I had some other things to do.
SB What? More important things?
JK What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.
SB You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.
JK I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.
SB It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.
JK I can't trust any of you.
Niall Hickman Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.
JK My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.
NH But why Monday, no one could believe it?
JK I'm not going to tell you anything. I don't understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?
NH Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?
JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don't talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level ... [but] you will find some **** that ...
Other journalist How long is your contract for Joe?
JK None of your business.
SB Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don't know ...
JK I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That's it finished. I don't know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He's trying to fucking hide, he's trying to do this or that.
There follows an exchange regarding the circumstances under which Kinnear had met the owner Mike Ashley and executive director (football) Dennis Wise.
Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun) We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?
JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.
Newcastle press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn't go outside.
Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?
JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don't affect me I assure you. It'll be the last time I see you anyway. Won't affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don't trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain't coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I'm ridiculed for no reason. I'm defenceless. I can't get a point in, I can't say nothing, I can't do nothing, but I ain't going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I'm not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I've got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It's ongoing. It just doesn't stop.
Journalist It's only been a week.
JK Exactly. It feels more like a year.
Journalist It's early days for you to be like this.
JK No, I'm clearing the air. And this is the last time I'm going to speak to you. You want to know why, I'm telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.
Journalist But this isn't going to do you or us any good.
JK I'll speak to the supporters. I'm going to tell them what the story is. I'm going to tell them. I don't think they'll interpret it any different, I don't think they'll mix it up, I don't think they'll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me ... I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like "Well, that's a load of bollocks ..."
Journalist "Bollocks to that" is what you said.
JK Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?
Journalist That was it.
JK No it wasn't, no it wasn't. What was after it? I don't know if it was your paper, but what went after it?
Journalist I don't know.
JK It even had the cheek to say "bollocks to Newcastle".
Journalist I didn't write that.
JK That was my first fucking day. What does that tell you? What does that tell you?
Journalist Where was that? Which paper said that?
JK I've got it. I can't remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.
Journalist But you didn't say that to the Sundays, you said that to us. That was during the Monday press conference.
JK I'll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?
Journalist Are you saying that someone has reported you saying "bollocks to Newcastle?"
JK Yes. Lovely.
Journalist I don't know who's reported that.
JK I'll tell you what, I'll bring it in.
Journalist That's obviously going to damage you. That's not a good thing. But I don't think someone's done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.
JK So have I. But I haven't come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me. And if I'm not flavour of the month for you, it don't fucking bother me. I've got a job to do. And I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I'm not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts. And don't twist anything.
Journalist You know, you know the game ...
JK Of course I know, but I don't have to like it.
Journalist Today we'll print the absolute truth, that you think we're cunts, we can all fuck off and we're slimy. Is that fair enough?
JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it'll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Much, much later after long discussions over whether Kinnear had promised Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan would be returning to the club
Press officer Let's get on to football. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it's wiped off and we're not discussing it.
Journalist But that's what Joe has said he thinks of us.
Press officer I'm saying don't push it. Let's accept what's been said and try and move on.
Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?
PO: No, to doing something now.
Journalist: What, one press conference only?
(Silence)
Journalist: Any knocks?
PO: Come on, let's go football.
Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How's the training going?
JK It's going very well. No problems at all.
Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?
JK Absolutely. I've loved every moment of it.

[zero]

Absolutely brilliant.

It's already been mentioned here but it definitely deserves it's own thread.

Originally Posted by Robin Sisland

Mmmm maybe I was a little hasty in implying that Joe Kinnear might be made permanent at Newcastle. His first press conference is pure comedy..

Here's a taster:

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

JK You're a ****.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

[Fletch]

All set up to turn us over on Sunday ? Talk about motorvated

[atrottel]

Guardian's on a roll today:

The Rumour Mill walks in to roomful of footballers, hacks and readers, waving press cuttings, upset at reports it took today off, when in fact the unreliable clown who was supposed to write this morning's tittle-tattle completely forgot to do it, forcing somebody else to step up to the plate.
Rumour Mill: Which one of you is unsettled Liverpool defender Daniel Agger?
Daniel Agger: Me.
RM: You're a c**t.
DA: Thank you.
RM: You are out of order. Absolutely f**king out of order. I am telling you you can f**k off and go to another ground.
DA: Which one?
RM: The f**king Bernabeu you f**king c**t.
DA: Woo hoo!
RM: Well before you get too f**king cock-a-f**king hoop, think on. You're not going until Christmas and it's unlikely to turn into some f**king ego-w**k circus like what the Ronaldo saga did over the summer.
DA: It might.
RM: It f**king won't, right, because you're a c**t. It wasn't even the president, that Calderon c**t what said he wants you, it was only his f**king No2 ... some Sanchez c**t. "Agger's a player we have been looking at for a long time and it's likely we will bid for him in January," he said. Likely, but not f**king definite. Right, where's Bullard?
Jimmy Bullard: Over here.
RM: You're a c**t. And what's more, you look like the Dulux dog. You're a shaggy canine paint shill c**t.
JB: Oi! We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but to come in here calling people shaggy canine paint shill c**ts? Why RM, why?
RM: Because I'm annoyed. I am not accepting that. You are delighted today's Rumours were two hours late and in the state they're in? Delighted, are you?
JB: Certainly not. Nobody likes to see the Rumour Mill mentally unravelling. Why would we?
RM: Because I'm about to put speculation out there that you're off to f**king Everton at Christmas for £4.5m, you 29-year-old c**t. What's that in dog years, eh? You're a f**king 203-year-old b*****d and you're off to Goodison Park because Fulham aren't prepared to offer you a new contract. How does that make you feel?
[Jimmy Bullard leaps off his chair, licks himself and runs whimpering from the room with his tail between his legs, prompting the Rumour Mill's press officer, Optimism O'Gullible, to address the floor.]
Optimism O'Gullible: Let's get on to football speculation. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it's wiped off and we're not discussing it.
Assorted footballers, hacks and readers: But that's what the Rumour Mill has said he thinks of us.
OO'G: I'm saying don't push it. Let's accept what's been said and try and move on. Let's talk football.
[A long, uncomfortable silence ensues, until a lanky, goal-shy Scotsman with a bad hip nervously raises his hand.]
RM: Yes?
Kevin Kyle: Is it true I've been shipped out to Hartlepool because Coventry didn't want to pay Sunderland the £100,000 appearance-related add-on that would have been triggered if I'd played three more times for the Sky Blues?
RM: What do you think? Next.
[Another long, uncomfortable silence ensues, until a cut-price Liverpool outcast raises his hand.]
RM: Yes Jermaine?
Jermaine Pennant: Is it true Stoke City manager Tony Pulis is really [consults copy of this morning's Sun] "ready to rival Blackburn in a scrap to sign" me?
RM: F**k off you f**king f**k and f**k your f**king scrap. I don't deal in f**king truths, I deal in speculation and tittle-tattle, like the rest of you c**ts. And what's more, I never f**king end on an unstressed syllable. F**k. f**k, f**k, f**k!
Giles Coren: Well Rumour Mill, I'd just like to thank you for taking the f**king, c**ting heat off me, you f**king c**t!
RM: It was my f**king pleasure you f**king c**t.
Have you heard any f**king transfer rumours? Feel free to share them with the class, in the comments section south of this tagline. And try and keep it clean, because swearing is neither big nor f**king clever.

[Scottoffee]

Brilliant, can't think of many people in the public eye that'd get away with that kind of press conference, maybe Gordon Ramsey.

There's unprofessional and there's this - I can understand him being upset with being undermined already by the press, but what does he expect after however many people turned down the job, him not having done anything since screwing up at Forest, having a touchline ban before he'd even started and actually 'rewarding' the team with a day off!...

This is why a so many of the old-school managers have left and never come back (Gregory, O'Leary, Venables, Graham, Souness etc) - It's a different ballgame now where professionalism rules and the media have free-reign since they're funding most of it!

[GrandOldTeam]

[Desaparecido]

HA! That's made my f**king day you c**t! :-)

[Reidy's Bottle Of Grecian]

heard it on setanta before....they should do a gas test in the managers office up there, whoever steps out to speak may as well go the whole hog and have a helium balloon with them.

[evertonianstu]

He's a good manager. Deffo have the Barcodes up for it on saturday

[deathbyropeandglass]

I'm starting to like him, seems a bit of a character. Gotta love someone who sticks it to journalists.

Although i'm worried he might get Newcastle up for it on Sunday and i'll hate him then.

[zero]

YouTube - Joe Kinnear's explosive rant at the Daily Mirror