I've made a long needed return to these forums after an absence of quite a few weeks. This forum is a wonderful place to post and I am privileged to be associated with such a remarkable community. The posters here - in the overwhelming majority - are phenomenal people.
I went through some terrible times recently. The wife was panicking about losing her job; I was having to plan ahead and got a second job, meaning my days lasted from about 6am until 12am - which included teaching from 9am to 3pm and then doing some work in a mate's insurance firm as a data handler on a night. I was tired, fraying around the edges and in serious need of a break. My wife was understanding and really felt guilty as she blamed herself for the siutation we were in, and the situation I was in.
That made me feel a lesser man. No husband should ever allow his wife to feel like that - like a burden. That absolutely took me tumbling. I was exhausted most days and didn't sleep after I'd got home as I wouldn't be able to switch off. This, coupled with the current situation around our neck of the woods with anti-social behaviour, meant that I didn't sleep at all most nights. I was going 3 or 4 nights a week with maybe 2 or 3 hours sleep in total. I was becoming a shell.
There were frequent occurences of burglary and vandalism in the area - even arson. It was beginning to become quite a strain and I felt as though I had nobody to rely on but myself. I was the man - the big man. I'd protect my wife and daughter. I'd kill people for them; I'd work myself into the ground for them; I'd sacrifice my everything for them. And that still stands. But actually delivering that took a far greater toll than I'd ever expect.
I was mentally drained. My parents have a disabled son to look after - my brother might be in sheltered accomodation, but they visit him every day and they couldn't deal with my rubbish as well. I wasn't going to do that for them. That meant that I carried everything on my own shoulders. All of the above. I felt like the world was relying on me to come through and - if I didn't - the world would crumble around me.
I started drinking to deal with the pressure and to stave off the insomnia. I slept when I drank. But it meant my daytimes were a joke. I was teaching kids with a stinking headache and that is just appalling. Absolutely unforgivable. I will never ever do it again.
I'd buy a bottle of rum and drink it over three nights. Then buy another when it was done.
My wife found 4 bottles stashed behind the tv in my office and went ballistic. She told me to sort myself out and said that I had until Christmas before she moved out with the bairn. That...that terrified me.
I knocked it on the head then. Totally.
I let her ring my parents and they came and stopped one night. We talked for the full time and I sorted my head out completely. I sobbed lads. Sobbed like a child in my dad's arms for an hour. But that was all the release I needed.
I'd die for my family. Happily. Completely. They are my reason for living.
I'm in a far better place now, but it terrifies me to think where I might have been.
