Lately, i have been finding it harder and harder to get excited about Everton, and it seems to be coinciding with me getting less enjoyment from everything else outside of football too. Food doesnt taste the way it used to, i cant seem to watch films without finding fault or being generally underwhelmed, i seem to be less adventurous in the music i choose to listen to... I have a massive selection to choose from, but i seem to always end up back at the same select few albums and artists.
Maybe, its just that i am becoming more cynical and selective as i grow older.
Maybe i am stuck in a rut.
Or maybe, my entire happiness is centred around what i can take from watching and suporting Everton.
Come on, we all know the feeling. Win a game and it makes your weekend. Lose and it ruins your whole week. Football can quite clearly have a massive effect on our collective and individual mood and demeanour.
And lately, id say maybe as far back as the cup final capitulation, i have just felt indifferent towards Everton. Before, the highs always felt, well, just more intense. A great goal or result, a new signing, even just hearing a pundit talk favourably about us, it would fill me with an illogical feeling of pride and give me a stupid uncontrolable grin. It almost made you think that for all the success other teams would have, it was somehow more superficial, and because we generally have to put up with more ****e, and have to wait longer inbetween our moments, then the feeling was deeper and more meaningful. A loss, on the otherhand, was disappointing, but never that depressing. I was always an optimist... Well bounce back... That player will come good... We will have our moment... Etc, etc.
But after the cup final, i felt something id not felt before. A realisation that THAT was our chance to kick on, and that we probably wouldnt get another for a long time. Actually, i say after the match, but the real moment came about 2 minutes after kick off when, after i finally settled down and thought about Sahas goal, i turned to my dad and said, "that was too soon wasnt it"...
I knew then we where going to lose and the deflation as it became reality was unlike anything i had felt before. The Villareal game, Fiorentina, the McCallister derby, the united game when we pulled back a 3 goal defecit only to lose 3-4 anyway... Only Everton lose those kinds of games, but where they seemed to "build character", this 1 just hurt deep.
And ive been really cynical since. The odd blip of excitement... Donovan, winning the derby last year, Beckfords goal in the anfield derby (i almost forgot that we dont win those games when that went in... almost)...
But on the whole, my excitement levels are kept in check, and dont regularly venture past mildly amused. I still go to all the home games, mostly out of habbit and routine, but I dont feel as though i am being adequately entertained for my troubles.
And a big part of that, for me, is David Moyes. I realise what he has done for us, in stabalising qnd re-establishing us, and where we where before he arrived. I am also aware of the limitations he has had in the transfers he has been able to make and the wages he has been able to pay. But surely i cant be alone in that i am really starting to dislike the man. He is negative, stubborn, arrogant, and frustrating. And for all the sympathy aimed at him for not having the money to spend on new players, his stance on being the ultimate decission maker in who stays and who goes has itself been a major factor in our financial situation.
I am far from a Kenwright sympathiser, i dislike the man and dont believe a word he says... But Moyes has got him wrapped around his little finger. He is like the spoilt daddies girl, the Veruca Salt if you will, to Kenwrights struggling to stay afloat doating father. Moyes has no budget to buy new players but seems to steadfastly refuse to sell what he has to make any mony either. Mayb he is trying to force Kenwrights hand, but judging from all accounts, the 2 are very close, so Moyes would have to be a new breed of sly to take Kenwright down in such a way.
But i digress. It is Moyes who i blame for the brand of football i see whenever i watch us play, and it is Moyes who picks the sides, complete with players consistently played out of position, and semingly forced to forego any natural instict to attack and instead adopt a coached-in negative style of play.
And all of this is before we even conider the falling outs with countless players over his tenure, and his equally frustrating habit of having his pet players who can do no wrong. Prime example, Phil Neville, who instead of being phased out of the side as he becomes older and less and less effective, has signed a new contract extension. When he was brought on on wednesday for the final 10 mins, to play CM in place of Rodwell, as young midfielder Wallace looked on from the bench, I realised that i had finally had enough of him.
Im convinced we have a group of players who have the potential to lift me from my funk, and finally enable me to enjoy football, and life in general, once again, but i just dont think it will happen under Moyes.
I just hope whatever needs to happen, happens before the new Spider-man film comes out, because i really want to like that...